You can quote me on that.
This is my first public appearance since I bought the Cleveland Cavaliers, as the least stupid of you may in fact realize. It's not that I'm a quiet person so much as I really just didn't want to deal with you, but since I have to do this, you're going to get one hell of a god damned press conference. I'm not here to half-ass this. If anything, you may get mooned. Lucky for you, my GM will deal with some press events. I hope this doesn't confuse anybody, but fat boy over there already looks lost.
I bought this disaster of a team just after the prior so-called owner and his embarrassments were mercifully bounced by the Champs in 5, sneaking in a 4 point victory somehow.
Some facts about some of our key changes in Basketball Operations for your little articles:
Fact 1 – No one from last season's team will ever play a minute for this franchise ever again. This is without exception. I have dealt each of those trash bags away, except one: Vitaly Potapenko.
Seriously. He really looks that way.
Fact 2 – This middle-aged loser is barely in the league, and while he remains on my payroll, he will earn his check by being the closest thing to a human urinal that the law and the PBSLPA will allow. This is a modern version of the practice of decimation, which was used by the Romans. Ever heard of them, mouth-breathers? Well, are renowned in history for military leadership and organization. After a great failure, one tenth of the responsible units would be killed by the other nine tenths. Here, one member of the team will effectively be a corpse to remind the others of the price of failure, at least until I trade him.
Fact 3 – Before you get more bent out of shape, our rewards will be as lavish as our punishments are harsh. I can not provide proof of this, of course, but you can hold me to it.
Fact 4 – I will guarantee you today that no player acquired pursuant to a trade from one of the embarrassments will win a title with this team. I'll be trading them away as soon as possible, but I'll sell the team before I give prior ownership any satisfaction they can try to extract from our victory.
I was not here last year, and that's all we'll say of the past here in the Cleveland franchise. We look forward now.
Now that we've gone over the crystal clear talking points about our franchise's new philosophy that each of you is going to feed to our growing fan base . . . because it's just so quotable, isn't it? . . . Let's go over the expectations.
Our strength on the court lies in the front court. Wallace and Divac will feature prominently, as smarter reporters would expect. Ask them, they'll confirm this. To support them, we'll field Carr and McInnis at small forward, with Carr getting the nod to start. McKie and Williams will start at guard which will add the best combination of 3 point shooting and perimeter defense we can muster.
This team will struggle not to be horrible. Success is not an option, something to which you can relate. Our best is neither good nor good enough.
So why play?
Two reasons. First, because I said so, damn it, and I write the god damned checks. Second, pride.
This team, this franchise, and this city need some damned pride, and they are going to get it right here, right now. When these players end up throughout the league, they'll tell all the other players what it's like in Cleveland. The weak will stay away, but the real men will respect what we are building: a new Rome.
In time, the rest of the league will come to our Coliseum to die for our pleasure, and we will rule until we too succumb to the ravages of time. We will be remembered, though.
You can take that to the bank.
Until that day comes, we'll embrace the more appropriate image: The Flaming Cuyahoga.
As a matter of fact, that is our unofficial nickname now.
The Flaming Cuyahogas will now try to understand your imbecilic questions and come up with teeny tiny answers you can understand when I can mentally stoop that low.
Hurry up, though, I have some hot chicks to bang. That's chicks, with an s, bitches.
