As the dust settles and the smoke clears, GM Digiskunk of the Utah Jazz makes his way to the PBSL ring, eager to discuss his plans for the immediate future. With swagger in his step, he patiently approaches the ring, engaging with fans of all sorts of backgrounds. As the sweet theme song of the Utah Jazz eclipses the arena, you can't help but feel inspired by the presence of such a short man who, despite his stature, harbors such a large penis.
As he slides into the ring, Digiskunk quickly rips the microphone out of referee Nick Patrick's hands. The referee, who has been in the wrestling business long enough, knows when to get out of the ring, and he does so accordingly. Digiskunk clearly has a message he wants to speak directly to the people of Utah, as few as they may be.
Digiskunk: WELCOME, FRIENDS AND FOES ALIKE, to the UTAH JAZZ PRESS CONFERENCE OF 2022. Unlike seasons prior, in which we'd half-ass it, this time we're going to invest our stock in shocking the world by winning the PBSL/SLOE Finals Championship. And tonight, we're going to outline how we plan on accomplishing such a task.
Digiskunk: It wasn't our initial plan to overtake this league by brute force — no, you see, this has been carefully constructed and strategized for years ahead of time. We've scouted these players, tracked their progress, and implemented their abilities according to their roles. The past few seasons were a bust for us, simply because we were unable to win the finals. However, after a poor showing in the playoffs last season (insert sad face here), we hope to redeem ourselves by winning it all this season. And if we don't? Well... Let's not get into that.
Digiskunk: Although we had a good season last year, we came up short. So of course, it goes without saying that you need to make some changes, right? I mean that only comes naturally when you're developing a team of youngsters, especially if they're anxious to win it all. But it's important to remain vigilant and keep your eye on the prize: the Finals title. And that's exactly what we're aiming for this year!
Last year, we traded Iman Shumpert, Kyle Lowry, and Brian Starks in exchange for C.J. McCollum, who we believe will be a great spot-up shooter who can play both the shooting guard and small forward positions. Since "Juicy" James has been familiarized at SF, it'll be easy for them to operate together — that's the theory, at least. THat's the god*amn f*ckin theory at least.
During the offseason, our primary plan was simple: Improve upon our youth whilst adding some veterans who could provide some quality minutes off the bench. During unrestricted free agency, we managed to acquire impeccable athletes such as JULIUS "NO HANDLES" RANDLE, Reggie Jackson, and Brandon Jennings. Despite a poor training camp for the latter two, we feel as if we've come out stronger than ever, and are more than willing to show how strong we are on the basketball court. Just take a look at Julius Randle — the dude can pick up like 200lbs of asbestos-infested wood and carry it the length of a football field. Think you can do that without any health maladies? Try again, sucka.
As of this moment we have a cast of stars-in-the-making. At least that's my opinion and, quite frankly, if you disagree, you're a failure at life and not a true hooper. Like that? No? Well then ask questions, biotch.
We'll now be taking questions from the press. The "pump up/hype video" can be found below. And yes, you're goddamn welcome.
