#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

In lieu of a normal press conference scene, we join a crowd of fans on Madison Ave, just outside the United Center on a comfortable autumn day in Chicago. The crowd starts to cheer as a parade float turns right from Ashland Ave. Sure, the parade was months ago, but Commissioner Gar Bageman has been using it as his primary mode of transportation since the Bulls defeated the Utah Jazz in the 2020 PBSL Finals to win their first championship.

Joining Gar Bageman, the float is carrying a ton of passengers. Russell Westbrook is testing the limits of fashion with a formal men's romper, pork pie hat, and a bolo tie made of shark teeth. Vernon Desantis? More like Vernon Deshirtless. He's been walking around Chicago with torso on display for the better half of a year. Otto Porter, Jr. is doing nothing whatsoever that is out of the ordinary. Dennis Smith, Jr, Bismack Biyombo, DeMar DeRozan, Nerlens Noel, and Chris McCaffrey are all there. And with them are new additions, Steph Curry, Jimmy G Buckets (the G also stands for "buckets"), Charles Tardiff, and yes, for the third time signing with the Bulls, Danilo Gallinari...a man who in free agency has never signed with any other team...because he's Italian...and he like-a da pizza. Deep Dish Dan, they calls him.

As the float ambles closer and the crowd parts to let it through, we begin to hear owner Eric Abramson talking loudly into a microphone.



Eric Abramson: Hello, Chicago! I would say that last year was a very successful year for us! And to help us celebrate, let me present to you my good friends in the rock group Rage Against the Machine to play a song about our basketball team winning the PBSL Championship and commandeering a float!



If you're wondering why it's so dark outside in the middle of a comfortable autumn day in Chicago, it's because Bismack Biyombo has blocked out the sun. If you're wondering why it looks like Rage Against the Machine is playing on a regular stage at a festival in the above footage, it's because I couldn't find a video of them playing on a parade float with Bernie Sanders and a collection of basketball players who may or may not exist in real life. Anyway, the Bulls float comes to a stop in front of the Kobe Bryant statue, and Eric hands the mic over to GM Gar Bageman, who waits a while for the applause to die down...though the applause is mostly because Chicagoland native Tom Morello just finished playing a guitar solo using Steph Curry's mouthguard as a guitar pick (while Steph was still chewing on it nonetheless).

Gar Bageman: First off, I want to thank everyone in this organization and every fan of the Chicago Bulls for their support since I've been here. I know you've all waited a long time for a championship, and now that we finally have one, what do you say we try to win another?

This time the cheering is not for Tom Morello's gimmicky guitar tricks.

Gar Bageman: In any case, we're bringing back the same starting 5 and a lot of familiar faces in the 2nd unit. We're happy to introduce some new players to the Bulls organization as well who wanted to help us on our bid to defend our crown. Unfortunately, some Russian mercenary operatives were too busy trying to funnel US Dollars back to the motherland because they're more interested in undermining our democracy than winning another ring. You know who you are. In any case, it's time to get off the float. There's a lot of great competition out there this year, and we're looking forward to taking our rivals head on, but we're still going to leave thIS bad boy parked right outside in case we need it again next May. Now if members of the esteemed press corps would like to gather inside for some questions, please follow us. There will be refreshments.

Random Reporter: It looks like everybody's back to try for a repeat...except for one, Boris Hailey. How are you planning to replace his contributions off the bench.

Was winning the title everything you hoped it would be? How do you feel going into the season as the favorites once again?

Xist2Inspire wrote: Sun Jun 17, 2018 5:18 pm Random Reporter: It looks like everybody's back to try for a repeat...except for one, Boris Hailey. How are you planning to replace his contributions off the bench.

I think we did a pretty solid job bolstering our second unit. We'll see a lot of Charles Tardiff in those backup big minutes. We're very happy to lock him into a nice contract, and like Boris, Tardiff is an excellent rebounder who should get his fair share of blocks. He also has a great shooting touch for a big man, so I feel like we haven't lost a step there.

We're also excited about the new additions of Jimmy Butler and Steph Curry who should give us more depth at the guard spot. And of course, Deep Dish Dan is back, and we'd love to have him on a championship team as he's been loyal to us when we had a spot for him on our roster and understanding when we've had to trade him because he understands the business.

false9 wrote: Sun Jun 17, 2018 7:55 pm Was winning the title everything you hoped it would be? How do you feel going into the season as the favorites once again?

Indeed. It was about what I expected. While it was incredible to win, I think more than anything, I felt a sense of relief since we had tremendous expectations to do so. I think those expectations are still there, but winning the title last year takes off some of the pressure, and we feel good going into the season with high expectations. I think the team's a lot looser and having a better time playing with each other just from what we saw in the offseason drills and our preseason games.

Congrats on winning the title man.

Your team looks like the favorites again this season. What do you think you need to do to keep your guys focused on repeating as champs this season?

Eazy P wrote: Mon Jun 18, 2018 12:10 pm Congrats on winning the title man.

Your team looks like the favorites again this season. What do you think you need to do to keep your guys focused on repeating as champs this season?

Thank you very much for both the congratulations and asking a question. I know that Eric went all out on the championship spread, so I understand a lot of the media is busy scoping out our catering table.

In any case, I think we just need to keep playing our game. Russ is a competitor, and he's got a few good years left, but he's 3-0 in the Finals. As the leader of this team, he knows what it takes to win, and he's been a very good example for his teammates. Dennis and Vernon continued to work hard in the offseason, and we brought on a bunch of veterans who believe we can repeat. I think it's more a matter of other teams becoming more focused than ours being any less focused after winning one.

Despite your relaxed feel, it seems no one has really taken a huge step up to compete against you for the championship like we are used to seeing with big trades. Honestly, the biggest trade was probably the one where the Bobcats are attempting to devalue their pick. Do you think the league is waiting one more season for your Red Giant Team to be dismantled?

How does it feel to have a clear path to the central division again?

NOLa. wrote: Mon Jun 18, 2018 1:26 pm Despite your relaxed feel, it seems no one has really taken a huge step up to compete against you for the championship like we are used to seeing with big trades. Honestly, the biggest trade was probably the one where the Bobcats are attempting to devalue their pick. Do you think the league is waiting one more season for your Red Giant Team to be dismantled?

Well, there's still time. The Bucks went all in for Paul George, and though they're discouraged that their training camp went poorly, I think they could either trade depth for a big if they wanted to and be right back in the conversation. Or, they could trade PG or McNary for youth to a competing team and put that team over the top.

I do feel like a number of teams got better. The Kings and Jazz were both weakened by injuries last year in their playoff runs. Either team healthy could pose a thread. The Pistons were just one game away from ending our playoff run last year, and they're still just as dangerous.

There are a lot of teams that took huge steps forward and seem to be just one piece away from championship contention, and a lot can happen over the course of a season.

IamQuailman wrote: Mon Jun 18, 2018 1:32 pm How does it feel to have a clear path to the central division again?

There's no such thing as a clear path when Anthony Davis is in your division. I also think, as I said in my previous response, the Bucks and Pacers could both be one move away from competing as well.

What a great season you guys had. There's really no way you can top it, other than by winning the Finals again with more overall wins. As the Finals favorites, how feasible do you think a repeat is?

digiskunk wrote: Mon Jun 18, 2018 3:08 pm What a great season you guys had. There's really no way you can top it, other than by winning the Finals again with more overall wins. As the Finals favorites, how feasible do you think a repeat is?

That's the goal, and we think it's just as feasible as it was last year. There haven't been many repeat champions in the league, so I think everyone who was here last year knows what an accomplishment that would be.

was there anything you learned gameplanning wise last season en route to the title? Do you feel you know this team so well that you'll be prepared in certain matchups or will you tinker in the offseason to continue to learn the squad?

Conroy wrote: Mon Jun 18, 2018 3:44 pm was there anything you learned gameplanning wise last season en route to the title? Do you feel you know this team so well that you'll be prepared in certain matchups or will you tinker in the offseason to continue to learn the squad?

We didn't stray too far from what seemed to work best for us last season because we knew it worked. This season, we might try some new game plans out to see not only what kind of different looks work now, but how the offense and defense work best for Dennis and Vernon, who are continuing to expand their roles so that they'll be able to lead our team depending on what Russ decides to do next year.

How many licks does it take to reach the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

digiskunk wrote: Mon Jun 18, 2018 4:12 pm How many licks does it take to reach the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

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