Joining Gar Bageman, the float is carrying a ton of passengers. Russell Westbrook is testing the limits of fashion with a formal men's romper, pork pie hat, and a bolo tie made of shark teeth. Vernon Desantis? More like Vernon Deshirtless. He's been walking around Chicago with torso on display for the better half of a year. Otto Porter, Jr. is doing nothing whatsoever that is out of the ordinary. Dennis Smith, Jr, Bismack Biyombo, DeMar DeRozan, Nerlens Noel, and Chris McCaffrey are all there. And with them are new additions, Steph Curry, Jimmy G Buckets (the G also stands for "buckets"), Charles Tardiff, and yes, for the third time signing with the Bulls, Danilo Gallinari...a man who in free agency has never signed with any other team...because he's Italian...and he like-a da pizza. Deep Dish Dan, they calls him.
As the float ambles closer and the crowd parts to let it through, we begin to hear owner Eric Abramson talking loudly into a microphone.
Eric Abramson: Hello, Chicago! I would say that last year was a very successful year for us! And to help us celebrate, let me present to you my good friends in the rock group Rage Against the Machine to play a song about our basketball team winning the PBSL Championship and commandeering a float!
If you're wondering why it's so dark outside in the middle of a comfortable autumn day in Chicago, it's because Bismack Biyombo has blocked out the sun. If you're wondering why it looks like Rage Against the Machine is playing on a regular stage at a festival in the above footage, it's because I couldn't find a video of them playing on a parade float with Bernie Sanders and a collection of basketball players who may or may not exist in real life. Anyway, the Bulls float comes to a stop in front of the Kobe Bryant statue, and Eric hands the mic over to GM Gar Bageman, who waits a while for the applause to die down...though the applause is mostly because Chicagoland native Tom Morello just finished playing a guitar solo using Steph Curry's mouthguard as a guitar pick (while Steph was still chewing on it nonetheless).
Gar Bageman: First off, I want to thank everyone in this organization and every fan of the Chicago Bulls for their support since I've been here. I know you've all waited a long time for a championship, and now that we finally have one, what do you say we try to win another?
This time the cheering is not for Tom Morello's gimmicky guitar tricks.
Gar Bageman: In any case, we're bringing back the same starting 5 and a lot of familiar faces in the 2nd unit. We're happy to introduce some new players to the Bulls organization as well who wanted to help us on our bid to defend our crown. Unfortunately, some Russian mercenary operatives were too busy trying to funnel US Dollars back to the motherland because they're more interested in undermining our democracy than winning another ring. You know who you are. In any case, it's time to get off the float. There's a lot of great competition out there this year, and we're looking forward to taking our rivals head on, but we're still going to leave thIS bad boy parked right outside in case we need it again next May. Now if members of the esteemed press corps would like to gather inside for some questions, please follow us. There will be refreshments.
