Bill Walton: This week I invited five free agent big men to my home in beautiful San Diego to refreshen themselves after a grueling PBSL season and to prepare themselves for the stress of free agency descended upon them. Many of these offseason camps feature grueling workouts and ultra competitive half court games. I mean no offense to these other camps. To each his own. Whatever floats your boat. Whatever waters your garden. But in my camp, we spend more time honing our spiritual selves. Yes. Rebounds were grabbed. Postups were perfected. But we spent ample time surfing, doing hot yoga, roasting tofu over the campfire on the beach, and, yes, discussing the important questions in life sitting in my teepee without the worldly burden of clothing and with the enhancement of a certain herb. Before going our separate ways we gathered together once more in unity and nudity for this interview.
Bill Walton: Thomas Robinson, you are as gritty as gravel. You track down rebounds like the peacock chases down the peahens in the spring. The effort you exert on the defensive end is tremendous, monumentous. You fight every play like a salmon swimming upstream. But just as a raging river can sometimes overflow its bounds, you can foul too much. During last year’s playoff loss to Chicago you were heavily criticized for the points you gave away by sending the opponent to the free throw line. Do you think that criticism will affect how teams value you on the market this year?
Thomas Robinson: Nah, man. Team value what I can do. They know that you don’t get that 17 rebounding rate and 92 defensive efficiency without a few fouls. I played 32 minutes a game last year. It’s not like I’m not doing my part. I’m 29. I’m in the prime of my life and I expect to get paid as such.
Bill Walton: You have been passed around this league like we have passed around the peace pipe this week. Do you want to go back to Atlanta or, as a fledgling Hawk chick must take a leap of faith, will you flee the nest? Do you think they even want you or, as a mother Jay whose nestlings have been contaminated by the curious hands of a young child, will they abandon you?
Thomas Robinson: I don’t see myself as a chick. I am the Hawk. I make my own decision regardless of whether Wig wants me back. I’m going to go out and get mine. That’s all I have to say about that.
Bill Walton: Al Horford, as the sun sets on your outstanding career, you have found new life, reinventing yourself as a stretch forward. You had one of the best seasons of your career just in time to hit the open market, just as a recently divorced middle-aged woman experiences the wondrous changes of life and finds herself invigorated and on the prowl. Do teams view you as a well aged wine? As a cougar, ready for younger company? Or do you think that they expect you fall and wilt like an arthritic dog that can no longer go out for walks with its master?
Al Horford: I’m a true professional, otherwise I would probably strangle you right here and now for whatever it was you just said to me. I think that teams respect my career. They recognize that I take of business every single night. I played 83 games last year. I played 37 minutes a game. I average 21 points and 11 and a half rebounds a game in a playoff run no one saw coming. They see me as a well seasoned trapper, one who knows his craft, one who they can count on.
Bill Walton: Indeed you are my friend. Indeed you are. You are the opposite of our dude, Thomas. You have been with Houston for practically the entirety of your illustrious career. You have been as stalwart as the mountain, as constant as the waves of the sea. Will you seek a new environment to grow or will you remain in Houston?
Al Horford: I would love to stay in Houston. I deserve to get paid but staying put is the most important thing to me. We have the most cap room in the league, we’ll reload and be right back contending like we did last year.
Bill Walton: Spencer Hawes, lover of Sacramento, scorer of baskets, snagger of rebounds, and painter of postmodern art. Like the silverback gorilla you love to compete and exert your dominance. Everytime you catch the ball in the post, I find myself rising out of my seat and shouting, “throw it down, big man!” But you also have a soft side, like the moss on a boulder. In your free time you like to paint and some have said that you are willing to take a discount to go to Sacramento because you have a lover there. Do you think that teams see you as soft?
Spencer Hawes: If they do they are dumb and I don’t want to play for them. I rebound. I block. I score. I’m a three time All-Star. I don’t really care if teams think I’m soft. I think I’ve proven otherwise.
Bill Walton: A true individual, like a black sheep, like a black swan, like native american squaw marching to the beat of your own drum. I admire your commitment to freedom and passion. Where would you like to end up this offseason? Have the Kings expressed interest? Would you consider reuniting with the Heat or Celtics? Would they consider you like a dog returning to its vomit?
Spencer Hawes: Well, I’m going to play this offseason by ear. Fiona would really like me to stay in Sac-town. She is my rock but I’ve got to make money too. She understands that. She likes the lifestyle I’m able to provide with her even though we don’t have a public or formal relationship. She’s very understanding. She knows that as a PBSL star I need the freedom move teams at any time. We have an open relationship. She’s okay with it and so am I. Really. I first met her when I was in Sacramento for a road game while I was with the Celtics. She knows I met her while I was in a relationship with a woman in Boston so she understands that joy that can come from an open relationship. So obviously I want to stay in Sacramento but it’s okay if I can’t and I’m okay with that and Fiona is okay with that.
Bill Walton: Truly beautiful. Absolutely moving.
Bill Walton: Jeff Withey. You are undervalued, underappreciated, like the trees that provide us with oxygen and safeguard our atmosphere from excess carbon dioxide, you protect the rim stalwartly and yet people constantly take you for granted and cut you down. You are tall and majestic. Your long limbs block many shots. How do you handle the criticism? Do you feel it is valid? Does it hurt your feelings?
Jeff Withey: It really hurts. I don’t often open up about it. I’ve been going to counseling for a few years now. I may look like a brain-dead troll on the exterior but I’m a sensitive soul. I have feelings. When people criticize my defensive rebounding, that really just pains me. I’m one of the premier shot blockers in the league. People seem to forget that and that hurts too. I try to ignore the media but every now and then I get on the internet and see that really, nobody is talking about me at all. It’s as if I don’t exist. That hurts too. Everything hurts.
Bill Walton: So vulnerable, like the young pansy in a spring thunderstorm. So sensitive, like the aye-aye fishing bugs out of a tree trunk with its elongated sixth finger. So brave, like a mongoose taking on a king cobra. I admire your manly sensitivity. We truly need more men like you in this league and in this world. You have only ever signed with one team in free agency, the Portland Trail Blazers, a team that is near and dear to my heart. I love the beautiful Pacific Northwest, the green of the trees, the brisk coolness of its waters, the free spirits of the people. Is the plan to resign with the Blazers?
Jeff Withey: The Blazers have been the only team to ever show me any respect. I love playing with Derrick, always have. Kenneth Faried has been a terrific mentor to me. The last couple of years have been great with him and Bogut. It has been nice to actually have friends for once. I’d like to stay if at all possible.
Bill Walton: Anthony Davis. A god among men. You play with the ferocity of a mother grizzly protecting her cubs. You dominate the league with the ruthless power of a tiger. Words fail me when I try to describe your utter excellence. You have caused even the stingiest of old-timers to invoke the name of Kemp. You are a champion, an MVP. You have brought glory to the city of Detroit. Yet, in your time in the motor city, you have had to carry tremendous loads. As a mother polar bear carries her young through the Arctic waters in search of ice that is rapidly disappearing because of the thoughtless pollution of man, you have carried depleted rosters to glories unthinkable. For you, I have only one question, where will you sign, oh great destroyer of teams?
Anthony Davis: I will stay in Detroit. 100 %. All of this speculation is just a bunch of noise.
Bill Walton: Thank you, AD and all of you great big men, for joining me at my camp this year. I hope that all our viewers have found this interview uplifting and entertaining. I, for one, can’t wait to see how this offseason pans out.
Bill Walton's Big Man Camp
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ballsohard
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