Wig Nosy, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me.
I want you to digest this because before I leave in 6 months with your yet to be earned SLOE Championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.
I don’t hate you, Wig. I don’t even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the back.
I hate this idea that you’re the best. Because you’re not. I’m the best. I’m the best in the world. There’s one thing you’re better at than I am and that’s kissing the CPU's ass.
You’re as good as kissing the CPU’s ass as BallsoHard was. I don’t know if you’re as good as Doug though. He’s a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is.
Whoops! I’m breaking the fourth wall! (Brand waves to the camera)
I am the best Power Forward in the world.
I’ve been the best since day one when I walked into this company. And I’ve been vilified and hated since that day because Soundwave saw something in me that nobody else wanted to admit. That’s right, I’m a Soundwave guy. You know who else was a Soundwave guy? Charles Barkley. And he split just like I’m splitting. But the biggest difference between me and Chuck is I’m going to leave with the SLOE Championship.
I’ve grabbed so many of the CPU’s brass rings that it’s finally dawned on me that there just that, they’re completely imaginary. The only thing that’s real is me and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I have proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, on that court, even in commentary! Nobody can touch me!
And yet no matter how many times I prove it, I’m not on your lovely little collector cups. I’m not on the cover of the program. I’m barely promoted. I don't get to be in movies. I’m certainly not on any crappy show on the TNT Network. I’m not on the poster of the SLOE Finals. I’m not on the signature that’s produced at the start of the show. I’m not on Conan O’Brian. I’m not on Jimmy Fallon. But the fact of the matter is, I should be.
This isn’t sour grapes. But the fact that Doug was in the finals last year and I wasn't makes me sick!
Oh hey, let me get something straight. Those of you who are cheering me right now, you are just as big a part of me leaving as anything else. Because you’re the ones who are sipping on those collector cups right now. You’re the ones that buy those programs that my face isn’t on the cover of. And then at five in the morning at the airport, you try to shove it in my face and get an autograph and try to sell it on Ebay because you’re too lazy to go get a real job.
I’m leaving with the SLOE Championship on July 17th. And hell, who knows, maybe I’ll go defend it in Japan. Maybe…I’ll go back to Pelicans Report.
(Brand looks at the camera and waves)
Hey, AD23forMVP, how you doing?
The reason I’m leaving is you people. Because after I’m gone, you’re still going to pour money into this company. I’m just a spoke on the wheel. The wheel is going to keep turning and I understand that. The CPU is going to make money despite himself. He’s a millionaire who should be a billionaire. You know why he’s not a billionaire? Because he surrounds himself with glad-handed, non-sensical, douchebag (censored) yes men, like NOLa, who’s going to tell him everything he wants to hear, and I’d like to think that maybe this company will be better after the CPU is dead. But the fact is, it’s going to be taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family.
Let me tell you a personal story about MR. CPU alright. We do this whole (anti) domestic violence campaign......
*Mic cuts off.*
