S4 Sim 1 Overreactions: Parental Fryeing Advisory, Explicit Content

[greepleairport]

While I poured over my team’s sim 1 results, a 5-3 record with a positive point differential, I thought we are in deep shit because our preseason outcomes looked so much better. On a deeper dive, I realized that we were the only team to beat the Kings in Sim 1 (in Kansas City, no less), which is cool. We’re tied with 3 other teams 0.5 games behind the division leaders. We’re the only team in the Western Conference with a winning record on the road.

Maybe I should take a deep breath, tweak my DC/GP, and overreact to other teams’ first sims. With some colorful language.

Milwaukee Bucks

Well, folks, we did it. We built our championship squad. This is it! We’re going all the way. We took the best team in the league to 7 games in the finals last year, and we <expletive deleted> up game 7 hella hard, but we still got there! Now, guess what, bitch. We’re even BETTER this year. We have MORE talent. We have fewer inexperienced bums. We have ROBERT Fryeing REID on a VET <expletive deleted> MIN. Bitch!! We are comin’ fo dat ass, we are cummin on dat ass, and we will not be denied. We are getting that gold, and there’s nothing you can Fryeing do to stop us.

Bitch.

…wait, we lost a game? To who? Ahh, man, the Nets are a bunch a <expletive deleted> bitches, total fluke, we’re going 81-1 this season. MARK MY WORDS.

(To anyone that’s met Doug in person, did I nail it or did I nail it…like he tried to nail our mums??)

New Jersey Nets

We have a winning record, and a 0.0 point differential. What the Frye is that shit? I demand a recount. My team is way better this year than last year. Sim 1 is trippin with all those road games, yeesh.

Fat Lever had a nice TC though. Maybe he’s ready to play point?

Seattle Supersonics

We tried really freaking hard this offseason to climb out of mediocrity, and 3-4 is what we get? That’s total ass. I spent money on Schayes, <expletive deleted>… I’m the commish, I mean… how the hell am I still bottom of the barrel in this godforsaken division?! I’m tied with the Magic Johnson Suns for crying out loud! This is unconscionable. Whoever’s responsible for this, I’m firing his ass, immediately.

Portland Trailblazers

Check this out. I spent half a million dollars on Eddlie L. Johnson. Blue/blue (not that anyone should pay attention to colors) Eddie L. Johnson. Yeah- guess what? I played his ass ZERO Fryeing minutes. How about that? Does that vindicate your intent to drop this bag of bones or what, Golden State? I signed this <expletive deleted> out of spite and even I can’t justify playing his blue/blue ass after spending half a milly over multiple years on his ass!

What is life? …

We’re still hella good though. So who cares.

Houston Rockets

Wait… we’re… good????

Kansas City Kings

We’re running it back, huh boys? Forget that our team is basically 3 players, now. We’re still the best! No one else has as few losses as us! …Err… with as many wins as us! So we’re still the best. Forget the fact that all our games were at home- I’m sure we’ll experience the same kind of success on the road, too. We’ll meet the Bucks again in the finals, and we’ll sweep Doug this time! Easy! 6-1, babyyyyyyyy!

Atlanta Hawks

Ugh, why the Frye did I come back to sim league

San Antonio Spurs

Coming off the worst offseason imaginable, we’re…yep, we’re terrible. God! We have so many great players, though! I guess they’re still too half-cooked to be the 12 years a Spur legends they’re destined to become, but we could seriously do nothing and sign no one for the next 6 years and probably make the finals at least twice. Our core is that Fryeing good. So suck it, PBSL GMs. Eazy P is coming for ya.

Philadelphia 76ers

We still suck, huh? -12 something point diff? God, we should probably just start playing drunk, huh? At least we’d be having fun, slopping our way all over the court. Puking in some rich person’s drink in the front row after diving on top of them for a ball, trying to save it from going out of bounds. Hell, I’d pay offseason acquisition Alvan Adams a bonus if he honked all over the announcing table. Why not? We gotta start generating a buzz somehow in Philadelphia… and that’s the thing. I promise you we don’t suck as hard as you think. I know what you’re thinking. We’re repeating last season despite all the offseason moves, but I promise you that’s not true. We’re going to the playoffs this year, front row soaked in puke or not. We’re going to the playoffs!!!

San Diego Clippers

Ya know, we had a pretty decent team last year. I bet we’re going to suck again this year. Sure, we beat some alright-to-decent teams to lead the most monstrous division in all of PBSL, but we’re basically the same team as last year PLUS Mike MItchell. Is Mike enough to take us from a losing team to a division winning team? I doubt it. I’m sure this is fake. I’m sure it’s all going to come crashing down in a spectacular display of… green… goop.

(…Someone from the future is telling me someone named Gynoth Palt…ho…(?)’s…”hole juice”…is synonymous with goop in 2020 something? Please, kill me before that happens.)

Look, we’ll probably make the playoffs at least, but please don’t say that too loudly. Fate might be listening and feeling incredibly cruel toward any semblance of hope I may have developed this off season. I should probably just vacate the team now and save myself the disappointment.

Utah Jazz

Guys, I’m still not sure if we’re any good. But we’re white af and that’s hilarious. Btw, there's a white genocide in South Af-

I’m not sure how or why but Xist was mysteriously whisked away. We’re not certain we’ll hear from him again, unless it’s via an all white fake professional basketball team. Which is kinda neat. Strange, but neat.

And there you have it! A bunch of expletive-filled overreactions to the first sim. I hope it calmed you down as much as it did me.

[greepleairport]

~1060 words, +4pts