#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

Scene: The camera fades in on stock footage of confetti falling in New Jersey, with a close-up of Bernard King shrugging as he walks off the court. The film (of course it's a reel-to-reel projector) holds up and stops short, and within a couple of seconds the hot light from the projector causes the celluloid to fade in color, then melt and rip open until there's only white light. No, wait that's not white light. It's the white-hot glare of a piercing, flaming eye.



The camera pulls back and we see the eye belongs to a hairless cat, and he's in the visitor's locker room in New Jersey. His gaze is locked on Bernard King, who squirms uncomfortably in his chair.

"That was embarassing, Bernard. We ran through the gauntlet of the playoffs in your absence, and as soon as you came back, your selfish shot-seeking immediately disrupted our vibes. I'm not pleased, Bernard. This organization does not tolerate failure. What do you have to say for yourself, Bernard?"

King is visibly shaken. He starts to stammer out a reply before clutching his throat and gasping for air. The cat raises an eyebrow. King looks like he is almost lifted from his seat, stands choking for a moment, then collapses to the ground, motionless.



"Apology accepted, Bernard. The rest of you are dismissed."

The rest of the team scrambles out of the locker room like cockroaches suddenly exposed when the lights come on in the kitchen. Within moments, the cat is left alone, perched on Bernard's back. The cat reaches for a rotary phone and makes a few quick flicks of his paw. After a moment, his gravelly voice can be heard, "Boston, how would you like to build your young backcourt of the future..."

(Fade to black)

(Fade in to the cat once again seated on a table, surrounded by reporters).

"So, as I was saying, last season was a CATastrophe. Any season that does not end in a championship is a failure. No excuses. Some would blame injuries. The only issue we had last season was heart trouble. For those of you that can't figure it out, that means we quit trying in the Finals. I hope I have excised the problem.

"It was clear the team was willing to fight without Bernard King. When he came back, I don't know what happened, but we stopped trying. Clearly, Bernard was the problem, and when Boston expressed interest, I knew I had to pull the trigger.

"We're happy to get both Kareem and Rambis into the fold, and hope this amounts to a heart transplant. We have mostly the same players, so we'll try to run back mostly the same strategy... with a little less Bernard and a little more Kareem. I was not pleased with Bill Cartwright letting himself go in the offseason, but the Portland Blunt Force Trauma Blazers are back and ready to bruise the league. (Sarcastically) and no, the fact that Kareem is the reigning DPOY and our defense was trash last season didn't enter into this decision AT ALL.

"Again, the goal is simple: title or bust. Actually, no... demoralizing the league is the goal. We think we have the pieces in place to achieve that. We'll see. The Warriors got their dream big man next to Moses. The Lakers offense looks loaded for bear. Magic is always tough in Phoenix. The division will do us no favors and hopefully harden us for the playoffs.

"If you want to know why I like Rambis, listen to my podcast. This team now has a veteran anchor in Kareem, but I think we are still a squad with growth potential from our youth. As usual, the Wig training regimen will be applied to our players to make sure they grow into my ideal vision of Blazers.

"Finally, for those of you that were shocked I 'dragged a one-blue team to the Finals' last season, I hope to have more shocks in store for you this season.

"Can't wait to get the season started. Questions?"

GWR: What do you make of last years' finals pitting two teams that did not have as many lauded talents as other teams? Do you think your experience was the difference?

JNR wrote: Thu Feb 13, 2025 3:21 pm GWR: What do you make of last years' finals pitting two teams that did not have as many lauded talents as other teams? Do you think your experience was the difference?

Without giving too much away, I thought I had a plan that could work based on the first two rounds of the creation draft, I was disciplined in my roster building after that, and I liked my roster’s chances of executing the plan based on most teams not being able to effectively deal with it. Once I saw the Nets made it to the Finals I thought we were in trouble since they were strong at the points I had exploited against others.

I am adding additional wrinkles to my game plan this season in hopes of making it harder for teams to match up with what we are doing. We will see if I have done enough.

Do you see your team as constructed making a return finals appearance or will there be tweaks to the roster to ensure you get there and win?

Eazy P wrote: Thu Feb 13, 2025 3:41 pm Do you see your team as constructed making a return finals appearance or will there be tweaks to the roster to ensure you get there and win?

The playoffs are all about matchups and there are never any guarantees. Injuries can strike without warning as we saw last year. But assuming we are healthy, I like our chances.

That said, I am a perfectionist and tweaks are always a possibility.

I was a BIG fan of the move to ship King for Jabbar, even though his regular season was stellar, and adding Rambis was genius.
Is there a player type or a specific player that could garner your loyalty beyond their production on the court?
I guess what I'm asking is, Do you Love Dem Hoes? And if so, which ones?

Mike Lowry wrote: Thu Feb 13, 2025 7:17 pm I was a BIG fan of the move to ship King for Jabbar, even though his regular season was stellar, and adding Rambis was genius.
Is there a player type or a specific player that could garner your loyalty beyond their production on the court?
I guess what I'm asking is, Do you Love Dem Hoes? And if so, which ones?

As mentioned elsewhere, my “player type” is a player that does something unusual for his position (and is good at the normal stuff). Scoring itself is not necessarily something I am enamored with.

All you GMs listening, send me your weirdos.

Is Jabbar enough to win it all for Portland or do you need to make a few more moves?

LazyTitanSmash wrote: Fri Feb 14, 2025 4:13 pm Is Jabbar enough to win it all for Portland or do you need to make a few more moves?

Enough to give us a chance? Sure.
Enough to make it certain? No. But then, nothing is certain.
(looks at preseason results)
Well, I thought we'd be among the favorites until I saw the preseason... I need to have a word with the assistant coach who thought it would be a good idea to start Foots AGAIN!

Rainn Scooperman from Rip City Daily:

A lot of excitement swirling in the city surrounding you bringing a future hall of famer to Portland, but are you not at all concerned about the athleticism coming into the league these days and your defensive anchor turning 35 this season?

NY_Magic_Garrett wrote: Fri Feb 14, 2025 9:52 pm Rainn Scooperman from Rip City Daily:

A lot of excitement swirling in the city surrounding you bringing a future hall of famer to Portland, but are you not at all concerned about the athleticism coming into the league these days and your defensive anchor turning 35 this season?

Kareem is still great and was always conceived as a short term upgrade. We expect him to be surprisingly effective in the game plan we have in mind. But one of the picks we got in the deal turned into Rambis and we will see what the next pick brings. They constitute the long term plan.

Picks Emmington of the SLOE Gazette

First, congrats on the post season run, although we know it wasn't the result you hoped for, but it still is impressive when any team can make it to the Finals. That being said, you stepped away from the game for a long time, do you feel that taking a break has helped you see the game differently or do you still see yourself doing some of the same things you did before?

BigDaddyd8720 wrote: Mon Feb 17, 2025 11:24 am Picks Emmington of the SLOE Gazette

First, congrats on the post season run, although we know it wasn't the result you hoped for, but it still is impressive when any team can make it to the Finals. That being said, you stepped away from the game for a long time, do you feel that taking a break has helped you see the game differently or do you still see yourself doing some of the same things you did before?

I think the break refreshed me. I do feel like I tend to look at things from 30,000 feet now where before I might have gotten stuck on a particular player or single thing. I also think I'm a little more willing to spend resources than I was before... I used to hoard them but now I'm a a lot more willing to be "in the moment" because hoarding my resources did me no good when I took my break.