The camera pulls back and we see the eye belongs to a hairless cat, and he's in the visitor's locker room in New Jersey. His gaze is locked on Bernard King, who squirms uncomfortably in his chair.
"That was embarassing, Bernard. We ran through the gauntlet of the playoffs in your absence, and as soon as you came back, your selfish shot-seeking immediately disrupted our vibes. I'm not pleased, Bernard. This organization does not tolerate failure. What do you have to say for yourself, Bernard?"
King is visibly shaken. He starts to stammer out a reply before clutching his throat and gasping for air. The cat raises an eyebrow. King looks like he is almost lifted from his seat, stands choking for a moment, then collapses to the ground, motionless.
"Apology accepted, Bernard. The rest of you are dismissed."
The rest of the team scrambles out of the locker room like cockroaches suddenly exposed when the lights come on in the kitchen. Within moments, the cat is left alone, perched on Bernard's back. The cat reaches for a rotary phone and makes a few quick flicks of his paw. After a moment, his gravelly voice can be heard, "Boston, how would you like to build your young backcourt of the future..."
(Fade to black)
(Fade in to the cat once again seated on a table, surrounded by reporters).
"So, as I was saying, last season was a CATastrophe. Any season that does not end in a championship is a failure. No excuses. Some would blame injuries. The only issue we had last season was heart trouble. For those of you that can't figure it out, that means we quit trying in the Finals. I hope I have excised the problem.
"It was clear the team was willing to fight without Bernard King. When he came back, I don't know what happened, but we stopped trying. Clearly, Bernard was the problem, and when Boston expressed interest, I knew I had to pull the trigger.
"We're happy to get both Kareem and Rambis into the fold, and hope this amounts to a heart transplant. We have mostly the same players, so we'll try to run back mostly the same strategy... with a little less Bernard and a little more Kareem. I was not pleased with Bill Cartwright letting himself go in the offseason, but the Portland Blunt Force Trauma Blazers are back and ready to bruise the league. (Sarcastically) and no, the fact that Kareem is the reigning DPOY and our defense was trash last season didn't enter into this decision AT ALL.
"Again, the goal is simple: title or bust. Actually, no... demoralizing the league is the goal. We think we have the pieces in place to achieve that. We'll see. The Warriors got their dream big man next to Moses. The Lakers offense looks loaded for bear. Magic is always tough in Phoenix. The division will do us no favors and hopefully harden us for the playoffs.
"If you want to know why I like Rambis, listen to my podcast. This team now has a veteran anchor in Kareem, but I think we are still a squad with growth potential from our youth. As usual, the Wig training regimen will be applied to our players to make sure they grow into my ideal vision of Blazers.
"Finally, for those of you that were shocked I 'dragged a one-blue team to the Finals' last season, I hope to have more shocks in store for you this season.
"Can't wait to get the season started. Questions?"
