Ever since he was a child, Alton Lister dreamt of becoming a professional skateboarder. Although his father continuously urged him to become a urologist, Listy would always refuse: "Go suck a dead dog's decomposing d*ck, you dumbass," he'd tell him. Of course, this would be followed by a proper beating. Alton never took kindly to this but he stook by his passions and distanced himself from his father, who had a penchant for getting drunk and soliciting young girls at the local middle-school. His father would often take him there and attempt to hook him up with a young, impressionable female, but Alton wanted nothing to do with it. Although his family wanted the best for him, they were looking in all the wrong places. He was destined for the court but didn't know it yet—and it wasn't until the Golden State Warriors GM, @greepleairport, approached him at the local gym.
"Hey, man. I've seen you at the playground; I've seen you at this park; hell, I've even seen you at GameStop. You're tall, agile, and you could probably beat off my dog Lucky if I let you. You have everything I've ever wanted in a man," he told him. "Unlike your father, I actually have faith in you and see a lot of promise. You can do a lot of things. I'd like to see you work your magic," Greeple reassured him.
"But I've never handled a basketball in my life. All I've ever known was variable kickflips and pop shove-its. Why should I trust you and put on some sort of vaudeville performance for you?", Lister asked, bewildered.
"I've spent my entire life dealing with the lowest of the lows: I've worked with pimps, hoes, and dope dealers; I've dealt with dentists, mechanics, and prostitoots. However, when I look at you, I see something different: I see a star basketball player," the Greeps told him.
Alton took one look at him and turned his back. He took one step toward the door and began to walk away in silence.
"I think I'm gonna have to pass," Alton uttered as he took another long step toward the gym doors.
The Greeps grabbed his arm.
"You're not going anywhere, you voluptuous bitch," Greeple told him as he strengthened his grip.
Alton Lister turned toward him, standing tall, and stared him down.
"Nobody has referred to me as a 'voluptuous bitch' since my father was released from prison," he confessed, as a tear rolled down his cheek. "Listen, I've never really accomplished much in life outside of a 360-flip. I've never known love. If you have the time, I'll give you some effort, I guess," he admitted as he tucked his penis between his legs, imitating a woman. He wasn't ready for this moment, but this moment was ready for him.
And the Greeps was here for it.
"Show me what'cha got," Greeps told Lister.
"Okay, I guess," Lister said as he dropped his shorts.
"No, not that," the Greeple told him as he quickly covered his eyes in disgust.
"Oh, you mean basketball..." Lister uttered in shame as his hairy nutsack eminated a steam of stink. "I'm so sorry. Here, let me put on a show for you; I'll try my hardest, and by that I don't mean my penis," he assured him.
Greeple grabbed a basketball and bounced it toward him. Unfortunately, Alton was too slow to pick up his shorts and the ball happened to dislocate one of his testicles.
"Oh my fvcking god!" Alton screamed out in horror as the testicular torsion overcame him. "I think I'm going to... I think I'm going to explode inside!" he proposed, as the Greeps stood by his side and watched him bow down in pain.
"I'll call an ambulance for you, but under one condition: You promise to train and play basketball for me," Greeplio proposed.
"I'll do it. I'll do anything to release this tension from my marble-sized testicles, which I believe are about to burst. Now can you get me to a hospital?" Listser replied in pain as he grabbed his sack.
"You're in luck today, bad boy, because I have a cellphone. Let's get this hooked up," Greeple informed him as he dialed 911.
After having both testicles removed, Alton Lister laid in bed, tired and uncertain of his future. The Greeps slowly entered the room and approached him as Alton moaned in ecstacy or (pain? we don't know yet).
"Now is your time," Greeps told him.
"By golly, I guess so!" Alton replied. Despite being nutless, he was prepared to take on the role of a basketball player, for he had nothing left. He had no family, no friends, no testicles. This was his only way to stardom.
"Let's make this work, but under my terms, okay?" Lister proposed.
"Not under my watch. I'm going to select you in the upcoming PBSL Draft; and when I do, your nut-less ass is going to be working for me. You're going to be a star—sac or not—and we're going to win together—but perhaps not because you still lack the testicular fortitude to win. However, we can work on that," Greeps assured him.
"Let's do it," Alston said.
And so, Alston began to train. Next thing you know, he was selected (as promised) and began working on his game.
"I'm going to try and make this work, unlike my mother & father who raised me. I hope they burn in hell"
And that's how Alton Lister entered the league.
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P.S. i was drunk when i wrote this so don't hold it against me
