Mamba’s Dead Wrong Playoff Predictions: The 100% Dead-On, Balls Accurate Edition

[MexicanMamba]

Word count: 3,357


Mamba’s Dead Wrong Playoff Predictions: The 100% Dead-On, Balls Accurate Edition



Don’t bother to look it up, just know that every one of these that I’ve written have come out to be completely true. So, we might as well just skip to the off-season after I post this because we will already know our winner once the first person reads this. However, I am bored of just looking up actual statistics and game results and plugging them in there. I mean, who the bloody hell needs researched data these days? No, let’s just go by the gut (or heart) and still come away with the absolute truth for these playoffs!



Okay, actually, I just want to take a different approach to discussing these match-ups each round to keep things lively. So, for round one? Let me just chat about the GM’s themselves, yeah?





ALPHA



ROUND ONE





(2) San Antonio Spurs vs. (7) New York Knicks





VARGA:



Here is a statement that I think just about every other GM in the league could probably start off with regarding Varga: I cannot think of another person who I do things more differently than. If Varga would zip, then you better believe that I would zag in that exact situation. We all already know about his distaste for things like trading, training and basic key components of roster building and maintenance. In the end though? I really admire his dedication to staying on his course, no matter how much the rest of the league disagrees (or mocks) with him about it. This season he did dabble in some new (to him) methods of team building and it ended up with him edging out the competition for the 7th seed by one game (Sorry 78 and my lazy cousin who refuses to engage as much as I want him to).



I cannot say that there aren’t times when I’ve scratched my head or just made the classic bitter beer face at some of the decisions Varga makes. What I must remind myself of is that not every person playing this game get enjoyment out of the same things. Varga seems to enjoy and thrive off of just being a contrarian and thorn in everyone’s side. A bit of a sim-troll. And you know what? It often makes the league just a tad more interesting. It has certainly sparked fun or funny debates and conversation around here, that is for damn sure. On top of that? After a god-awful streak of losing, Varga has had the Knicks playing pretty solid basketball over the past few seasons with his strange team building choices. He’s been above .500 for 3 straight seasons now, even gaining a near 60-win season a couple of seasons ago. While I doubt, he will be able to sustain this success much longer before cratering again for a while, things are working out for him in some capacity.



So, hey man, keep being you and enjoy this dumb game of ours however you want to!





CARLOS:



The master of samesies himself! At least until the 2nd or 3rd round of the playoffs begin and he starts trying and demolishes my #1 seed team again …. You know what? I HATE YOU! Okay, that’s a lie. Forgive me! Carlos has consistently been one of the folks that I chat with most consistently around here. He’s at least in the top 5. Though what he doesn’t know is that I am just buttering him up so I can get a sweet deal on Genaro Montoya soon. But shhhh, keep that between us! Carlos is a guy who does not go out and make a ton of big, splashy deals anymore but when he does go out to make them, he does so in a way that makes sure he’s a 60-win team for a decade. He has been around this game for so long now that he is more interested in coasting and just seeing what happens, though that’s usually better than 95% of the rest of us when we try hard.



I’ve only really seen that chill demeanor ruffled up when he missed out on the #1 pick this last draft which almost made him completely melt the sim world down by selling Montoya off to the Pistons for ½ cent on the dollar and forcing my hand to hire Ryan to break into Wig’s house to destroy the sim-puter. HE WAS IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!



I look forward to more chit-chats about this silliness of this game, trying to get you to deal me Montoya, and watching you revel in the Raptors missteps until you’re over last off-season’s non-deal! You’re good people, even if I may say differently if you beat me again in these playoffs.





Result:



Oh yeah, I suppose I should say something about the on-court match-up. Down the stretch, the Knicks pulled off some impressive home wins against some winning teams, so there’s a chance that they make this a little bit of fun for a game or two. However, the Spurs won 60 games for a reason, even with Montoya missing 10 games or so early on. There’s just more fire power in Texas.



4-1, SPURS





(3) Indiana Pacers vs. (6) Denver Nuggets





PAULY:



This is a GM that I genuinely only know from a distance. I’ve had very few trade discussions with him and never any one-on-one conversations. I do know he has been a model of consistency in terms of how well his teams do since I’ve been around. Until the two previous seasons (26 wins in both), he had only missed the playoffs two other times since the 2030 season. Generally, hovers in the mid-40s in wins with the sporadic 50 or even 60 wins creeping in when he goes and makes an interesting move or two, as he did this previous off-season by trading for Patrick Williams and Larry Canfield. I do know that he has this roster heating up at just the right time, since they ended the season on a 9-game win streak to hold off the Suns for the 3 seed. Wish I could say more, but thanks for always being active and interesting Pauly!





RYAN:



HEY, STOP MAKING ME DO THE TAX STUFF!



That’s all the detail that you get.



Good bye.



Okay, I’m kidding. Let me say something nice.



YOU’RE THE REASON I’M STUCK BEING COMMISSIONER!



Shit, I screwed that up again.



3rd time is the charm, I swear!





Before we had decided to work together to keep things running around here when Josh got burnt out, Ryan and I would chat, but obviously that relationship was able to fortify when we had to work together more often. I know he’s really busy and life takes precedence over this silly game, so I have not minded taking the reins on more things like I have. I do appreciate that Ryan has continued to try keeping the Nuggets afloat even with his time dwindling all the time. It would be easy for him to just let the roster completely rot and waste poor Saddiq Bey’s prime. Instead, he found time to go get Bey some help this season and worked to give the team some life and pulled out a playoff run in the process.



On a more personal level, I always enjoy engaging with Ryan when he has the time to do so. We especially can sit in our purple and gold corner and people watch as the Pelicans fans around here nag about Rich Paul, LeBron James, Anthony Davis and the city of Los Angeles. Early in my time in the league Ryan had himself a bit of a reputation if I remember correctly, so any trade discussions I had with him early, I did it while staring at him out of the corner of my eye. Okay, maybe I still do that, but man, when we talk about anything else, I have a good ole time!



I don’t know if life will pull you away from this game completely at some point in the near future, but if it does, it’ll be a sad sim-day.





Result:



While the Nuggets did fortify their roster and could make this intriguing due to Bey’s dominance, Pauly has built the more complete team that is peaking at the perfect time. If there was a big upset this round, I could see this being the one but I’m going to roll with the Pacers.



4-2, PACERS.





(4) Phoenix Suns vs. (5) Los Angeles Lakers





NATE:



One of the two people in this league that I know from the outside world. The first thing that I should let everyone know is that he believes that he can beat all of you this season. Yes, that means you too! Thankfully he is at a place in the league where he doesn’t need to come to me for much advice anymore. Nate picked things up quickly (as I assumed that he would) and it has been fun to see him making his own moves without my help. We do not always agree on those moves, but that’s part of the fun of this whole thing, watching each other take different avenues towards the same goals. In normal life, Nate can be a bit boastful and will let everyone know how much that he knows about sports, but he’s also a very good human being and friend. In fact, he’s moving to Florida this weekend (from Detroit) and will be staying with me for awhile as he adjusts, so I look forward to taxing him in sim form as part of his rental agreement.





JON:



My Los Angeles Brother! Jon already went through some of our history in his own recent article (Probably your best that I’ve read sir) so I won’t rehash all of that too much. We chat a lot, about sim league, about work, about life or sports or whatever. We never built a “rivalry” that was primed up with the whole Hallway Series angle (though we did briefly talk about doing a podcast series with that title) but to be honest, I don’t have the energy to even fake hate people in this game, so I’d be the worst rivalry partner. Instead, Jon has become a person that I just enjoy engaging with. When this league does inevitably burn down and turns to ash, Jon is a person I could see myself still talking with long after. Even if it would only be to tell him how much I don’t appreciate that he sent Delmar to the Bulls, Pearman to the 76es and Caruso to Detroit, all moves that could potentially be a key reason I don’t ever grab more than one championship!





Result:



If Jon were to pull this series off, I’d enjoy being able to give a knowing smirk to Nate every time he walked into my condo in the coming weeks. And there’s few joys greater than poking fun at a good friend, amirite!? However, I don’t think these Lakers have quite enough firepower to keep up with the Suns at full strength. He Hor is a top 5 player in the league, Ronny Asher is a load down low, Nix is a swiss army knife and, as Jon already knows, Aubrey Shores is WAY better than his color indicates. Suns also have more high-end depth.



4-1, SUNS.





OMEGA



Round 1





(2) Orlando Magic vs. (7) Oklahoma City Thunder





ANDY:



Thanks for always being on top of the waiver claims, man. Congratulations on holding onto that record for most wins in a season too! I just KNOW that you were quite stressed about that. Sweating, chewing fingernails, on the verge of panic attacks. You were even struggling to enjoy watching soccer! I mean, what bigger side effect of stress is there than that???? In all seriousness, our chats are usually short and sweet but they’re typically good for a laugh. Yeah, we obviously chat about league stuff, but it’s often tongue firmly in cheek and that levity is always welcome when you’re the person that must do all the small, boring details of the league. You’ll also always be my homie for trading my Boban when I still was figuring shit out here which led to me lucking into my championship. So, hey, YOU DA MVP!





CHARLIE:



I’ll never let you live down that Oturu for Gray/Hintz robbery sir, but beyond that, I suppose you’re an okay dude! Always engaged and active, always willing to chat and share some ideas … or ask for mine. You’re one of the steadiest people in the league (except with keeping up with the power poll) and I do not look forward to dealing with your team once Blakeney is at full-strength, much like it was no fun dealing with your Zaire Wade led squads.





Result:



This isn’t going to be particularly close. The Thunder are only in this playoff because the bottom of this conference is a hot mess. Or as Kevin Malone might say, it’s a hot circle of garbage! Andy grabbed the two seed and will continue to shine bright this round.



4-0, MAGIC.





(3) Utah Jazz vs. (6) Washington Wizards





GARY:



The mystery wrapped inside of an enigma wrapped inside of a burrito. I don’t know Gary, but perhaps that is because it would be like saying that you intimately know the sun? Or the meaning of life and death and the cosmos. It is foolhardy to pretend or to even try. What I do know is that he has built quite a fun squad which, now that they are healthy and peaking, should be extremely difficult to beat in these playoffs. No, I don’t think he will be able to beat the Pistons, but I will be quite interested in seeing if these Jazz will even be able to make them sweat at all.





X:



While Charlie is one of the steadiest GMs in the league, X and his Wizards are the very definition of steady. Stringing playoff appearances together like Christmas lights, regardless of the roster turnover that he may have to deal with. It’s impressive to watch, especially when he doesn’t ALWAYS have massive star power for these runs, but he knows the kind of basketball he wants his teams to run and hyper focuses on adding players that match that style. Also helps that he’s also a good dude too! The one thing I think I’ve noticed though is that he has not completely adjusted to how the league values certain players when he is trying to trade guys away, particularly his older players. Still, it has not negatively impacted his ability to be successful, though I am sure he is looking to get some higher-level play from his rosters soon.





Result:



The Jazz will likely steamroll through this round because they do not look like a normal 3 seed. Injuries just crippled them early on in the season when Wade went down for a long stretch.



4-0, JAZZ





(4) Cleveland Cavaliers vs. (5) Sacramento Kings





For this one, I am just going to lump them together because I know them equally, which is not at all. I’ve mentioned in other places that it has been fun seeing the Cavs build their roster up after that disaster of a trade they made seasons ago with Charlie. They did not hit 50 wins like I thought, but they got close and Sneed has been fantastic for them. The Kings coast mostly, and I will never get over them not using Killian Hayes at Point Guard ever, but hey, it’s not my damn roster! If nothing else, this match-up should lead to a few fun memes put out by the group of friends that huddle together.





Result:



Without Killian, the Kings are dead in the water.



4-1, CAVS





ALPHA



ROUND TWO





Los Angeles Clippers vs (4) Phoenix Suns


Well, I’ve already talked about Nate and I don’t really need to talk about myself (though I probably will in an article next season since it’ll be my 20th) so, let’s just do some general musings. This will be the bragging rights championship for Nate and me. Though, if you read this, you should know that I’ll be kicking you out of my condo if you do pull the upset! So, choose wisely man. Honestly, I wouldn’t be shocked if the Suns did pull this one out. Lu Dort has been amazing for me all season and was the absolute right call for the MVP, but the Suns are one of the few teams which have a legit Dort neutralizer and He Hor is much more than that, since he is an MVP caliber player himself. The Suns also have much more size than my Clippers and might have a better bench rotation, though both of us run tight rotations in general. This one could definitely go 7.





Result:



No way I’m predicting against myself this early though and I cannot give Nate any ammunition to annoy me.



4-3, Clippers.





San Antonio Spurs vs. (3) Indiana Pacers


The Pacers are streaking and make for interesting matchup problems, particularly in the front court where they have a decided advantage over the Spurs. It is very difficult for me to vote against Montoya and Whitley, especially since they now have a three-headed monster attack with Galloway included as well. That’s a lot of scoring and defense to overcome for the Pacers. Plus, selfishly, I need to be able to try getting Carlos back for beating me last season!



Result:



Montoya over P-Will!



4-2, SPURS.





OMEGA



ROUND TWO





Detroit Pistons vs. (4) Cleveland Cavaliers


Thanos vs. Ant-Man. Unfortunately, I don’t think that the Cavs are going to go the route of THE BOYS television show and destroy the big bad from the inside. The Pistons are just too powerful, too deep, and even without any All-League players … too OP! Maybe the Cavs pull one via a masterful scoring stretch by Sneed, but that’s about all that I give them here. I voted Scott as GM of the Year for a reason, and this roster, built over years of great trading and patience with young pieces, is going to capitalize on all of it yet again.



Result:



I am … inevitable!



4-1, PISTONS





Orlando Magic vs. (3) Utah Jazz


Alright, as is normal for these articles, I’m really running out of steam here. I think the Jazz are the better, more complete team and would have won this division and probably been a 60+ win team if not for Wade’s unfortunate injury. So, I think they will get a road win somewhere in here and move on and advance.



4-2, JAZZ.





CONFERENCE FINALS





Los Angeles Clippers vs. (2) San Antonio Spurs


Listen Carlos, I’m editing Montoya to be 4’11 if I lose to you again, so, no one wants that do they!?





4-3, CLIPPERS





Detroit Pistons vs. (3) Utah Jazz




As brought up earlier, I don’t believe that the Jazz can or will win this series but I will find it interesting to see just how close they can keep it.





4-2, PISTONS





FINALS





Detroit Pistons vs. (1) Los Angeles Clippers




To beat the Pistons, I believe that you’d need to be able to attack them in unique ways that they might not quite be built for. Hit them with the chaos hammer, as Ted Lasso might say. Unfortunately for me, I believe my roster is built awfully similar to theirs but with less dynamic players. Like the Suns, the Pistons have a Dort neutralizer in Cade, they have more size, a lot of defense and obviously a ton of scoring ability. My Clippers finished 2nd in both offensive and defensive efficiency. Unfortunately, the Pistons finished first in both of those categories. There just isn’t a place that I see which I can exploit here. Doesn’t mean that I won’t try shit out, but I doubt any of it is going to work.



And So … Back-to-Back for the Pistons.



Let’s call it:



4-2, PISTONS



With the MVP being Gerry Folse.



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[greepleairport]

well over 3000 words, +10pts