Somewhere deep in Navajo Mountain, Utah, seven-year old Tommy Shaftsucker was spinning a basketball on his finger when the news first broke on ESPN: the Utah Jazz were announcing a mysterious new manager. His mouth, agape in shock and wonder, dropped the Pall Mall Super Slims Silver cigarette he was smoking, burning a hole in the rug. But that was the least of Little Tommy's concerns: As a lifelong fan of the team, he couldn't help but hope that Gary K, the beloved former coach of the Utah Jazz, was making a return.
"The Utah Jazz will be holding a press conference outside a local mental health facility in Salt Lake City tomorrow afternoon," Richard Ketchup-Cum announced.
Long before the press conference was to be convened, hundreds of journalists gathered outside the facility, hoping to get a glimpse of the new head coach. As the Team Owner began to approach the podium, their attention quickly shifted to the tiny masked man standing next to him. Who was this mysterious figure—and why was he dressed as Goldust circa 1997-1998? Nobody knew.
"We have an announcement to ma--" the Owner began to say before being interrupted. "I'll take the microphone now," the disturbed figure announced.
"Do not be afraid, for it is I, digiskunk, the heart and soul of the Utah Jazz, the greatest group of men this nation has ever produced," he boasted joyously. "I have decided to return and resume my role as coach."
I will now be taking one question. Speak!"
Lenny Lickinshitz, a brave rookie reporter for FOX Sports, stepped forward. He trembled as he spoke: "S-So where h-have you b-been..?"
digiskunk: Although I left the team abruptly to feed starving dyslexic Natives in the jungles of Paraguay, I eventually came to the realization that my aspirations of living such a humble lifestyle wasn't going to be as easy as I hoped; not only is it easy to get lost in the jungle, but it can take hours before you reach the nearest strip club. I couldn't handle the extremes of tropical living so I came crawling back to the United States, where I found myself overwhelmed by sociopolitical strife. I was instantly attacked by conspiracy theorists who insisted that I was a body-double because the "real" digiskunk was assassinated on March 12th, 1999. After settling back down, I started working with the local Board of Elections as an election official, serving both as clerk and machine inspector. So, I've been doing that. Also I recently won both the Supporters' Shield + MLS Cup on Football Manager with the Philadelphia Union, which was an incredibly liberating experience. I hope to bring that same magic back to the Jazz.
Charles Nuthard, the experienced reporter from NBC, attempted to step forward but was held back by security, who snarled at him as if they were dogs.
Digiskunk: No more questions—at least not until the pre-season presser! In the meantime, get jiggy with it.
Digiskunk stepped down from the podium, turned his back, and marched his azz out of there.
