Outside the Hawks' practice facility, a certain cat has been enjoying a nice, warm, sunbeam to top off another title run and a summer of hard partying. A couple of interns (the ones who drew the short straws) are sent out to rouse him for the annual preseason press conference. When they finally succeed in prodding him awake, he is... a bit... disoriented.
Finally, Wig makes his way into the press room. He takes his usual spot at the head of the room and blinks his eyes before giving a big yawn and stretch.
Well, hello all. I suppose you're expecting some long wordy adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Christmas or maybe an adaption of Zero Wing. Gragh... are the lights too bright in here, or is it just me? Intern, whatever your name is, go turn the lights down. They hurt my eyes. Also, bring me a pillow. No you don't get a bonus for this.
Anyway, yes, it has been to long, but last season, the Hawks won another title. It was about time. Eight seasons of watching other franchises hang banners was really getting to me. So I made sure last season to make the moves that were sure to bring home the precious.
It's ours again. So shiny. So bright. Even if we did have to part with obscene amounts of cash for it. I'm sure you all saw the picture of when the league came to collect its tax from us.
But the past is in the past, and we wants to move on to the new season. We are very happy that our training staff - the fourth one in as many years - managed to keep our players more or less healthy last season. It was a very nice change from a couple of seasons ago when all we saw was injury upon injury.
We also would like to congratulate our playoff foes, the Cavaliers, the Raptors, the Bucks, and the Warriors, on outstanding seasons. They were worthy opponents and we feel fortunate to have defeated them. We wish them all the best luck in the upcoming year.
No... actually we doesn't. We enjoyed crushing the souls of our opponents last season, didn't we? We got our jollies when the simpering Bucks blew up their team and traded the Diesel back West, didn't we? We laughed when the Celtics sent away the evil Zo to the West. We even started the #SendThemWest hashtag, did we not, precious?
But Quail is our friend!
You don't have any friends! Nobody likes you! Not after you traded away McInnis to reduce your projected luxury tax payment by 30 points. Not after you signed your roster up to 20 players before Training Camp.
Not listening! We released the players for Darth to sign! We tried shopping around Latrell Sprewell but nobody wanted to give us anything for him, and we didn't feel it was fair to give up an all-star for nothings, so we had to trade McInnis!
See, I told you nobody would help you. I told you they want the Hawks to suffer. The poor cat is all alone. We must punish them more and keep the ring away from them.
But I likes trading. And if we gets the right deal, maybe we can...
No! We crushes them! If they won't tradeses with us we crushes them all again! We uses the Big Ben and the McDyess and the Hill and the Sprewell and the Penny and we TAKES the ring again. We hurts them worse than we hurtsded them last season!
So... if we crushes them all and we pays the taxes... the ring will be ours again?
Yes.
Yes... So no big moves for the Hawkses... we has our championship core intact and we wants another ring, precious, even if Jon Barry chased moneys. We has a great squad and even the nasty Training Campses didn't hurt too badly yet.
So, who wants to ask us a question? Or perhaps we plays a game of riddles with it, precious...
