2034 PBSL All Star Game "Draft"

[AngryBanana]

Good afternoon everyone, and welcome to the inaugural 2034 PBSL All Star Game draft. Today’s festivities are brought to you by Big Cat Rescue, where all the cool cats and kittens go to live a purrfect life. My name is Stacey Augmon, the third leading scorer for the 1995 season, and I will be the host of the event tonight.


Tonight we have a special treat for all of you. Captains from the Alpha and Omega Conference are here tonight to announce their pick-up game lineups. Representing the Alpha Conference, your friendly neighborhood giant, the 4th tallest man in the world, and your Reigning Rookie of the Year, the Alpha starting Center, Colin ‘It Aint’ Smallwood from the Philadelphia 76ers. Then, from the Omega Conference, the rebound stealing, three-point shooting, charge calling son of a gun, Nathaniel Anderson of the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Let's take you behind the curtains and get to know Nathaniel a little better.


NA: Hey guys, Nate here. I am 31 years old and I went to University of Georgia for two years, GO DAWGS. And while I am a seasoned vet, this is my first All Star Game. I am excited to play and be apart of all of the festivities. This is my ninth season in OKC, and I have been loving my time here. All of the clean air, the acres of land, the constant fear of tornados, it's great. I remember just going to the site of the OKC bombing on the 35th anniversary a few years back. All 69 (nice) people who were there that remembered it spoke of a very sad event. I enjoy that these people are here to support their community and that’s what brought me back here over the off-season this past year. I love to play my PS9, playing games like Witcher 4 and Half Life 3.5. On the court I strive myself as a guy who is going to do everything I can. I get the rebounds, I shoot the threes, and I will set the hard picks. Man, I don’t know what I love more setting a hard pick or the sound of nothing but net from the three-point shot I put up off that pick. While I am surprised I am here over some of my teammates like Pete, JJ, and William Jackson (who I think missed only due to injury), I will take this captaincy with pride and hopefully I can get the MVP like Pistol did last year. In the draft this year I am looking for athletes who will put up the ball from deep, looking to have a fun time, pass the ball everywhere, and win the game. Colin, I know you think you will win this, but I got a strategy that will take my team over the top.


And here is a little (get it little? He is so big) about our other captain from the Alpha Conference, Colin Smallwood. Colin take it away.


CS: Hi everyone, welcome to the 2034 All-Star Game Pick’em Special. I want to give a big shoutout to my boys back in Philly – I saw all of em last night at the Rookie-Sophomore Game. Wiseman and I were beasting for the sophs while Lil Cassius and my main man, Obi “Fresh Poppin” Toppin were on the Rookies. Also want to give a shoutout to the sponsor, Big Cat Rescue – yo Tiger King was da bomb. Anyways, a little about me. I am a 2nd year player for the Philadelphia 76ers and joined them last season after a trade with the New Orleans Pelicans. GM Malone stashed me deep on the bench but GM K100 saw the potential in me to swing a deal and immediately inserted me into the starting lineup. I must say, ever since then it’s been a true blessing. I played half a season and got Rookie of the Year honors and this year my game has risen to a new level. I’m honored to be repping the Sixers, a team that is a few years away from taking the league by storm. Away from the court, I like hanging with my boys down in LOVE Park – I went to Temple originally, so Philadelphia has always been home. I am a big fan of The Office, love the Eagles – fly Eagles fly, and I have seen Rocky over 400 times. Dun dun dun, I’m going to kick Nate’s butt today on the show and on the court. I’m looking for players who can facilitate and are not too lazy to play defense. I want slashers and I want high IQ players. Is that too much to ask for in a little friendly game of basketball? Let’s get it started, shall we Nate?


NA: Let’s do it Colin.


SA: Now that you, the viewing public have met our two captains, we had both players play 10 games of rock-paper-scissors against a tiger from Big Cat Rescue to determine who gets the first pick. After a narrow victory of 2-1, Colin Smallwood will be picking first. Collin with that, here are the list of competitors please select your first teammate.

COMPLETE ROSTERS

ALPHA
C- Colin Smallwood – 76ers (Captain)
PF- Grayson Allen - Spurs
SF- Quintin Kidd - Wizards
SG- Jerry West - Nuggets
PG- Bryce Dejean-Jones - Kings
C- Wanderlei Silva - Lakers
PF- Christopher Fortunato - Pacers
SF- Luka Doncic - Nets
SG- Slim Jenkins - Nets
PG- David Leiker - Lakers
PG - Ja Morant - Bucks
SG - Ernie Acuna - Lakers

OMEGA
C- Glen Sabo - Clippers
PF- Boban Marjanovic - Clippers
SF- Bjorn Ironside - Raptors
SG - Phil Brooks - Pelicans
PG - De'Aaron Fox – Suns
C- Nathaniel Anderson – Thunder (Captain)
PF - RJ Barrett - Raptors
SF - Dominick Cobb - Pistons
SG- Hollis Wiley - Rockets
PG - James Shaffer - Pistons
PG - Len Bias - Jazz
PF - Jarrett Allen – Mavericks


CS: With the first pick, I’m going with the King of PBSL, your reigning Finals MVP – the man, the myth, the legend – Bjorn Ironside. For those who don’t know, Bjorn is having one of the greatest statistical seasons so far in PBSL – like seriously, across the board, go check out his stats. The most efficient assassin the game, and I think he is a runaway favorite for MVP this season. Super excited to have him onboard. Nate, floor is yours. You're up!


NA: Oh man, that guy! What a waste of a pick! You will never find me drafting any players from the Raptors. My hatred for them is like MJ’s hatred of the pistons. Only, I think they are bad boys for a different reason. Those guys from up north are pure-manure... Anyways, now that I have that out of my system, I am going to take a guy who I think can be the MVP of the All Star Game as well as the PBSL regular season, De’Aaron Fox. This guy can shoot, pass and steal the ball. He is already the steal of the draft because you did not select him number one.


CS: Alright old man, I like the Fox pick – not gonna lie. Let’s see for my next pick I’m all about brotherly love here in Philly and my team is going to represent that too tonight. I got King Ironside so now I need his Jurassic brother, your reigning Defensive Player of the Year, RJ Barrett. Yo Nate you see a pattern here? I got the reigning Finals MVP, Defensive Player of the Year, AND the Rookie of the Year. This team has all the hardware you can imagine – has anybody on OKC ever won an award? Or do you just buy talent? hahahahahaha


NA: Pardon me Colin, but like I said earlier Pete was All Star Game MVP last year, and we were a broken leg away from being champions last year. I aint that worried about it because we will get our fingers sized soon, don’t you worry. Anyways, now that both Raptor players are off the board and you wasted back to back picks on them and letting me pick whoever I want, let me take the second steal of the draft. With that, since you seem so keen on players with hardware and awards, I am going to pick the monster himself Boban Marjanovich. Just to name a few of his awards he has been to eight all star games, four time all league first team, one time playoff MVP, three time regular season MVP, and two championships. While I am not the biggest fan of taking a Clipper, JJ has vouched for Boban and I think our games will fit amazingly together. Take that for some hardware Colin.


CS: Alright, alright Nate. Even a broken clock is right 2x a day. Boban is a good pick too, I’ll give you that. Let’s see well I gotta give a shoutout to another brother from the West Coast, our time overlapped here in Philly for about 2 months before GM K100 shipped him off to La La Land – Glen Sabo. I see big boy has improved quite a bit from his Philly days, and he his holding down the block. Wait a minute, Mamba placed him at Center – lmao. That’s my spot! Mamba, what are you doing? Glenny is 6’9 and 400 lbs, stick him at the 4, c’mon man! Anyways, the new round mound of rebound, Glen Sabo is my pick. Nate back you.


NA: Ok...ok, that was a good pick finally. So to change things up and not take someone from the Omega Division, who is clearly the better division with every pick so far coming from that side of the house, I am going to take Jerry West. He is another “hardware” guy having won a few championships himself. He is a guy who I think can play both guards spot, shoot the three and hopefully taunt your team as well. He is playing another solid year in Denver, even if they are not doing so well record wise. You cannot blame him for that as he is averaging 23 points, 7 assists, blazing it up with a .420 3ps, and while he has struggled a bit on the defensive side this year – can still hold his own on the perimeter.


CS: Nice pickup, Nate...Not. You had the right division, just look a little up in the standings. Well a lot more up in the standings to Sac-town. My pick is official PBSL royalty. He is the OG floor general. He is the PG every GM in PBSL envies (Sorry Cassius, one day it will be you). His name sends shivers down every GM’s spine, so they only refer to him with three letters, BDJ. Let’s recap Bryce’s season so far. Averaging a cool double-double and #2 in assists raking in 11.8 per game, BDJ is no stranger to All-Star games, this will be his 6th appearance. I don’t want to talk trash about my teammates but this statistical standard is probably a down year for for BDJ. That just shows how good he really is. When we are doing the PBSL 50th anniversary special a few years from now, I know BDJ is going to be featured all over. And rightfully so, he just seems like a good guy – on and off the court. But you folks watching at home only care about hooping here at the PBSL All-Star game, and I know BDJ isn’t shy about dishing the rock. Book it Old Man Anderson, BDJ will be sending me alley-hoop feeds all night long. Cant wait to dunk on ya Nate!


NA: Another round, another wasted pick by you that I get to swipe another player who will make you regret ignoring them. This guy is no stranger to people passing him by, as he wasted away on the Heat for a few seasons. This guy is Grayson Allen. He was picked by several GMs as the leading scorer for the league, and he is not disappointing in his new environment. He is scoring 25 points, and is another guy who is shooting over .400 from the three point line. Even better is that Allen has the ability to play anywhere from 3-5 and is the best all around player we could have hoped for at this point in the draft. Man, we are going to make it RAIN threes on you.


CS: Alright Nate, nice pick. I hope Grayson doesn’t kick anyone in the nads during the game. Remember, we still have ½ season to go, and you know some of these guys have simulated families and what not. Alright, let’s take a look here. What am I going to do with the next pick? Ah, got it. I dunked on the Pelicans GM earlier in the show for trading me away last season. Do you miss me yet, Nick? Well GM Malone did do one thing right this past offseason to make up for it – he traded for my next pick. The #4 leading scorer in PBSL, Phil Brooks. Brooks is leading a surging Pelicans squad as they storm their way into the playoffs. What can I say about Brooks? He shoots and shoots and shoots some more. And more often than not he scores, a lot. Like a whole lot. He is shooting .500 from the field this season and knocking back 3s at a pretty steady 38% this year. I am so happy to get such an established scorer this far down in the draft. Thanks Nate, you make this job sooo easy.


NA: Ok so my next pick is a guy who I think could be a starter on these All Star Teams. He is playing like he has rabies, its Luka Doncic! The biggest reason I picked him is because I love his name, it just rolls of the toung luuuukkkkaaaaa. Anyways, I think his athleticism and versatility will fit in great with our squad. He is another great shooter that is doing well from behind the arc and can also defend several positions. Check off another player that I am sure Colin is adding to his list of players he was just about to pick before I swiped them up.


CS: Alright Nate, as big men we need to show some love to our brethren too. We give the little guys too much credit sometimes, right? Let’s see this man may be starting to get up there in age but he still brings a lot to the table. I think Nate will probably remember battling him back in the day when he was with the Chicago Bulls so my next selection is Wanderlei Silva. What can I say? He plays with tenacity and is a force in the post. He is the Lakers’ anchor this year and look forward to learning some tricks of the trade from this wily veteran of the game.


NA: Pssshhh, I already picked Boban, and Grayson Allen. You might be neglecting your interior game, but mine is on point between the three of us. So, since you clearly need some more bigs, I will take another wing player in Dominick Cobb. This guy here... I actually just learned about him this season, and man was I sleeping on him. He can light it up from anywhere on the floor. He has been averaging 20 points per season for three straight seasons now and once again he is a guy that can SHOOT the long ball, averaging a .433 from the three point line. Have I mentioned yet that I am going to rain threes down upon you forever yet Colin?


CS: Let me see, let me see. I think this teammate thing is a good thing. Ironside/Barrett so let’s pair up Silva with his little man, David Leiker. David is a true athletic specimen – an absolute gym rat. He is becoming one of the up-and-coming guards in PBSL who is not afraid to dig his nose in and play stout defense. He will be on many All-Star teams in the years to come and tonight Team Smallwood is happy to have him.


NA: I think you have a Bias for teammates there Colin... Speaking of Bias, that reminds me of my next pick, Len Bias! I realize I am reaching a little bit with this little guy but man what he can do, he does at an expert level. He kinda reminds me of a nate robinson of sorts, real short but is pure energy and speed. This little guy, while not the best when it comes to stats on the defensive side, can still be a pain. But why we chose him is in the most obvious of ways. Bias is another .400 3ps shooter who can just flick the ball into the rim. I would imagine him having some more competent players around him than what he has on the Jazz will also allow him to come into his own. Can you imagine the pick and rolls he will have with the likes of Grayson, Boban and I. Man, I think even you will shed a tear because of the beauty at work.


CS: Wow, has anyone ever realized how loaded the Johnson Division is these days? Damn. So much talent. Well let me return back to the division for this unusual cat – Quentin Kidd. The leader in the Wizards’ locker-room, Kidd is finally having his breakout year that GMs all across PBSL knew was going to be happening sooner than later. The Wizards GM has given full reign to his superstar and Kidd has carried the mantle and then some. Just clocking in a tick under 25 points per game, all those hours in the gym have really paid off for Mr. Kidd. He is simply a jack-of-all trades, and I will be relying on his talent to take home the W.


NA: Ok, so now that I have raided all of the small guys that I wanted for this game, lets get down and dirty, shall we? I think I am pretty fortunate to have this guy still on the board, so please welcome to Team Anderson, Chris Fortunato! I know... I know, I am breaking from my three point bonanza here, but hey for a guy like Chris, I think I will be fine. This guy is an efficient scorer in the post and knows how to get down and dirty when needed. He is averaging an insane 3.8 offensive rebounds a game to go along with his 6.8 on the defensive side, 17.9 points and an insane 1.5 fouls per game. Oh hey, remember how I said this pick was not about the three bombs, I lied. He is going to rebound all of the missed threes we take!


CS: Let’s see I want to show my division some appreciation this round. He is a newcomer to the Mourning scene, and another 1st time All-Star, Ja Morant. Welcome aboard Ja, glad to have 3 playmakers like BDJ, Leiker, and Morant. Morant is having a career year in Milwaukee averaging a best both in scoring and assists to lead the Bucks to a division lead at the season’s halfway point.


NA: Man, I'm not going to lie, I was going to take Morant if you did not. Oh well, I'm not crying over spilt milk. I will just go ahead and take my man Ernie Acuna here so that you cant make the trifecta of lakers on your team. It also helps that he is the perfect fit for a spark plug off the bench for my team. He is a guy that while the Lakers have been playing him at the two spot, can play the one if he has a good situation around him. Oh look, enter Team Anderson and their amazing players. He will be someone that, with his experience and history, can be a great second team leader who can also play alongside the starters for some minutes too. His 1.9 fouls per game will come in handy too if any of my guards get in foul trouble early.


CS: Alright with the penultimate pick, Team Smallwood would like to beef up the interior. He is the man with a plan, the best afro in the game, my man Jarrett Allen. Fresh off signing a fat new contract with the Dallas Mavericks to the tune of $180M our after-party check will be paid by the Big J. But rest assured, despite getting paid he is not slowing down just yet. I know if anyone lobs a pass downlow, Allen is going to get it, grab it, and score. Rinse and repeat Nate, this is such a good team.


NA: So while Smallwood is beefing things up, I am going to go back to my well of guards. I love the players I have right now, but I really need a guy who can drive to the basket and put a hurting on these interior guys for thinking that they can just wait for the three ball to get shot. So I am going to take Holis Wiley here. He can drive to the paint all day and either make the shots or collect fouls. He is shooting a .647 at the rim and has an even better .868 from the charity paint. This guy is going to feast on Colin’s team, I have already bet him $100 that he can't make Colin foul out the game.


CS: Alright last pick. It’s funny Nate, you know I have never been the last pick before in any game I have ever played. Being tall is fun. Anyways let’s round out this team of All-stars with one more from the Mourning Division – GM RPF gave him a new sidekick this season and it is paying off handsomely so far as the Nets are in the playoff picture so I gotta go with another scoring ace, Slim Jenkins. Playing alongside Luka Doncic Slim is scoring a hefty 25 points per game. If I need buckets at the end of the game, I want the ball in Slim’s hands. You see Nate this is how you build a team. Scorers, facilitators, and big men who are not afraid to get dirty. You are up, my friend. I hope you have rejoiced this moment, Nate. It will be the only time you make an All-Star game so enjoy it. Last and certainly least, your final pick will be...
NA: All right time for the final pick, so I guess Colin really does like putting teammates together because he left me James Schaffer. Thanks Colin, because this guy, while he might be the last pick, is still an outstanding player. He is another guy we have on the bench who will be able to do a little bit of everything from the guard spot. He will pass, he will shoot and he will defend. I see him fitting in nicely here.


Stacey Augmon: Wow folks, there you have it. Team Anderson and Team Smallwood have chosen their lineups for the 1st Annual PBSL All-Star Draft. We look forward to a great game, and I hope both of them save some of their trash-talking for the hardwood. I’d like to thank Nate Anderson and Colin Smallwood for taking a break from the All-Star festivities to join our live telecast. And a big thanks to our sponsor, Big Cat Rescue where the cats are felining good. Oh god, another cat pun. What happened to you Stacey, you were the 3rd leading scorer from the 1995 season? Thanks...for...watching. Stay tuned for the season premiere of Claws (sobbing loudly now) here on TNT


{Stacey begins to cry hysterically in the background as the camera pulls away and the exit music plays.}


FINAL ROSTERS

Team Smallwood
Colin Smallwood
Bjorn Ironside
RJ Barrett
Glen Sabo
BDJ
Phil Brooks
Wanderlei Silva
David Leiker
Quentin Kidd
Ja Morant
Jarrett Allen
Slim Jenkins


Team Anderson
Nate Anderson
De’Aaron Fox
Boban Marjanovich
Jerry West
Grayson Allen
Luka Doncic
Dominick Cobb
Len Bias
Christopher Fortunato
Ernie Acuna
Hollis Wiley
James Shaffer


Now PBSL, who wins? Who was a steal? Who went way too early? Let us know below.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions reflected here today are that of Nathaniel Anderson of the OKC Thunder and Colin Smallwood of the Philadelphia 76ers. They do not reflect the views and opinions of their respective organizations, their GMs Angry Banana and Keepit100, TNT, and our sponsor, Big Cat Rescue. Thank you for taking the time to tune in, until next time.

[false9]

Since this was a joint venture, 5 points for each of you.