Warriors 2025 Press Conference

[Samsonian]

Saturday night, January 12th, 2019. It was an unusually good crowd for the Avalon Hollywood nightclub in LA, and Van Grimaldi had had enough. "The f@#$ing gin in this Tom Collins (his usual order at the posh establishment) tastes like motor oil," he said to his posse. "And where the hell are Ben and Markelle? I've got like 45 minutes 'till I need to bounce and I already paid a grand for this f@#$ing table." Ben and Markelle, two of Van's closest friends from what felt like a decade in the league, were always flaking out on him. It was hard for Van not to draw mental comparisons between their underachieving team and his relationship with what were supposed to be his two closest boys. Ever since he choked against the Suns in game 7 of 2019 ("how does it feel to only score 15 points on 21 shots when the team needed you most" can only be asked so many times in so-and-so many different ESPN 30 for 30's, right?), shit has just never really felt the same. I mean, I guess they were just kids in 2019, jackin' treys and sliding into DM's, but he could never really put his finger on it.

It was at this moment that Van received a text from an unknown number that just said "maybe you're not the dark knight they deserve, but I can guarantee you that you're the one that we need." Van stared at the message for a minute, running the various Dark Knight film scenes through his head and flipping a casino chip between his fingers to parse the meaning. He decided to give this joker a call. Immediately upon dialing him, the mysterious texter picked up. "What's up bitch? You getting off that team or what? I need a Batman bruh." That stupid nasally voice was unmistakable after years of watching "The Brotherhood" dominate college basketball in Durham. Grayson Allen.

After 9 years in the league and multiple all-star selections to his name, Van typically couldn't be bothered to learn the names of the entitled rookie alpha dawgs, especially ones who spent almost half their rookie season on the shelf with injuries and were best known from tripping dudes in college. But deep down Van had a good feeling about the kid's potential, and had always wanted to see what would happen if he had the chance to be a legit Batman to an up and coming Robin on a future playoff team he could call his own. Van remained silent, but knew he had already made up his mind. "Why so serious" Grayson cackled, as he hung up the phone and threw his arm around Van, having snuck up to his table in the club. "Welcome to the Brotherhood baby!"

From there it was mostly formalities. Van forced his way onto the Warriors to join Grayson Allen in exchange for the dual-threat baseball/basketball player the Warriors had just drafted and that year's draft pick, and proceeded to call up some veteran buddies from around the league to put a legit team together. After telling Kevin Kowal to eat shit and forcing him off the team (Van always thought that athletic mouth breather was just a waste of potential), the Warriors signed veterans John Wall and Hassan Whiteside to provide some stable PG and C/PF leadership to work alongside Van, Grayson, the improving Ramsay Bolton and the young shoot-first Ash Ketchum. While the Warriors remain realistic about the team's chances at a playoff run and the potential chemistry issues on the court, ownership is excited at the possibility of contending this year.

[IamQuailman]

Nice write-up! What are your plans now post trade?

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[drkavarga]

How much money in tariffs from the Trump Administration is your team paying after that trade?