The Lazy <strike>Statistician</strike> Poet Earns His Last Three Media Points*

[garbageman]

With the newly revamped media rules, I find myself only 3 points away from the media cap, and while I had plans to write a super detailed article based off loads of research on a method I discovered through rounds and rounds of data science that will allow any team to win their division even if they only have yellow-yellow players, I don't want to get a measly 3 points for an article that's clearly worth 10.

Instead, I need an article that in no more than 750 words, convinces you, dear reader, to nominate it for Media Entry of the Year. A simple statistical article, therefore, will not do, so without further adieu, I would like to reinvent the lazy statistician as...

THE LAZY POET

What do a bunch of macho sports hunks love more than charts and graphs? Haikus! Thus, I present to you, the fruits of my glorious labor, a haiku for each team in PBSL!


Charlotte Bobcats

Kuzma and Hart will
be great one day--after they're
traded due to tax


Chicago Bulls

I better roast the
rest of the league now before
I miss the playoffs


New Orleans Pelicans

It's Nick's last season,
My condolences to the
future Pels GM


Houston Rockets

Al Horford's still blue
so they will win the dumpster
fire that's the Southwest


Utah Jazz

Do you get points for
acting as a public mas-
turbator's lookout?


Denver Nuggets

Chances are, Ryan
will not nominate Garrett
for GMOY


Philadelphia 76ers

Just be grateful that
the Suns did not throw in their
pick with Kevin Love


Toronto Raptors

How is it the two
weirdest names on the roster
aren't from Game of Thrones?


Miami Heat

The last time the Heat
had a winning record was
eight seasons ago


San Antonio Spurs

TC will destroy
you when you need insurance
for eight diff'rent dudes


Vancouver Grizzlies

The tax man can kiss
Louie's ass. There will always
be bad max contracts


Dallas Mavericks

Shaun may not read these
haikus, but they'll have his vote
In year end awards


New York Knicks

The best strategy
or tactic is to claim the
best team in the league


Golden State Warrior

If Enes Kanter
does not get traded soon, he'll
die of exhaustion


Atlanta Hawks

Now that Wig stepped down
from commissioning, the Hawks
might not win 50


Phoenix Suns

I do not think that
76ers first will
be a lotto pick


Milwaukee Bucks

Doug has not made a
major trade in a while. Can
someone check on him?


Brooklyn Nets

Buddy Pedraza
Is on the block. Bump. Bump. Bump.
Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump.


Sacramento Kings

Hello darkness my
old friend. The Denver Nuggets
have signed Jeffrey Duren


Los Angeles Lakers

When Tray left his team
to league stewards, it was like
Adam Sandler's Click


Cleveland Cavaliers

The best part about
being a Cavaliers fan...
Damn...I got nothing


Los Angeles (LAC) Clippers

At least they only
have one old point guard instead
of three old point guards


Boston Celtics

This roster is so
ridiculously stacked I
hope the tax kills them


Minnesota Timberwolves

The reigning champs were
too busy partying to
have an offseason


Orlando Magic

Orlando spend two-
hundred and three points on sub-
seven foot Boban


Portland Trailblazers

Call Bernie Sanders!
nobody on this team makes
more than seven mil!


Washington Wizards

There's so much green
on their roster page I keep
trying to smoke it


Indiana Pacers

The Pacers are great
At staying under the tax
And not winning rings


Detroit Pistons

Anthony Davis
Seven more goddamn years of
Anthony Davis


Oklahoma City Thunder

Optimists claim the
Chesapeake Energy A-
rena is half full




* ICYMI: This article title was also a haiku

[false9]

[IamQuailman]

FANTASTICO

[Darth Vegito]

Point Czar awards you 4(3+1 for creativity) points! 619 words

I think all you needed was 3 more which is why I gave you 4!