99 Things the Suns Could Spend Their Cap Space On

[IamQuailman]

If you're having cap problems I feel bad for you son
I got ninety nine purchases but a player ain't one

These lyrics were so true heading into RFA. The Suns have set themselves up now twice in 2 years to be almost void of players and a full palate of cap space. They blew their load on some big names, and right now, in this very moment before the index is refreshed, the future looks great! But... in the words of the immortal 90s band Filter, could you take (a) picture because I won't remember (yeah). But instead of you feeling like a newborn (kicking and screaming), let's think about what they could use this cap space on any thing they wanted. In honor of Jay-Z being the mothafarkin greatest (and ignoring the other music reference I made to Filter), here are 99 things the Suns could buy within their current cap space confines ($79,031,165).

...

1. 1963 Ferrari GTO, $52 million USD - https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles ... 52-million
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, FUK KEVIN LOVE! THIS IS HOW YOU BE A BIG SPENDER! WHO NEEDS THAT FOOL WHEN YOU GOT THE MOST EXPENSIVE CAR IN THE WORLD?!?!?! ($27,031,165 remaining)

2. Giant Bird Nest Bed, $15,000 USD - http://www.hispotion.com/cool-or-weird- ... signs-6767
This shit looks comfy. You know what would make it more comfy? Adding all those accumulated league points as extra cushion! ($27,016,165 remaining)

3. Feather of the Extinct Huia Bird, $8,000 USD - http://thedailyquicky.com/24-of-the-wor ... you-broke/
Nothing says baller like a preserved feather of a bird that no longer graces the face of this planet. Can be hung over the bird nest bed or from the rearview mirror of the Ferrari. Can always get another one, right? ($27,008,165 remaining)

4. Heidsieck Monopole 1907 (Champagne), $25,000 USD - http://thedailyquicky.com/24-of-the-wor ... you-broke/
What better way is there to celebrate the sign and trade of Gorgui Dieng than popping open a bottle of 110 year old Champagne discovered during an underwater expedition! ($26,983,165 remaining)

5. Heintzman Crystal Piano, $3.22 million USD - http://thedailyquicky.com/24-of-the-wor ... you-broke/
Is there a better way to tribute Jay-Z than to play a rendition of 99 Problems on the world's most expensive piano? It is said that this piano's sound is more seductive than a Siren's song. How appropriate that this get purchased before free agency... which unsuspecting player will be lured in by this sweet sound only to get offered and forced to accept a vet min. ($23,763,165 remaining)

6. Charles Hollander Chess Set, $600,000 USD - http://list25.com/25-most-expensive-thi ... the-world/
When you have a little table used for signing big contracts during the offseason, that little table looks pretty bare pretty much all other times of the year. Why not garnish it with this beautiful diamond chess set consisting of 320 carats of black and white diamonds? Diamonds ARE forever. All for the price of a 2nd round pick's salary? Trash scrub or ballin' chess set... hmmmmmmm..($23,163,165 remaining)

7. Crocodile Skin Umbrella, $50,000 USD - http://www.luxury-insider.com/luxury-ne ... re-couture
When you are making it rain this much, you need a good umbrella. ($23,113,165 remaining)

8. Brikk Lux Watch Omni Apple Watch, $69,995 USD - http://luxurylaunches.com/gadgets/at-70 ... ch-yet.php
GMs already hate you for having the bird rights to Kevin Love; is there anyway to make GMs like Ballsohard and Soundwave any more jealous? Why yes! There is! Walk into the room with a little bling on that wrist - the world's most expensive Apple Watch fully-studded with 12 carats of precision-set diamonds and plated in gold (or platinum... oooh options!). Balls aren't the only thing so hard on Scott right now. ($23,043,170 remaining)

9. Castaway Island, $1.6 million USD - https://www.privateislandsonline.com/so ... way-island
Ever want to get away from the divas in Sim League and the NBA? Too much drama in your life. Leave it all behind and spend all the time in the world with your Points Bank on this secluded South Pacific island. Best thing? This island is so secluded there or no mosquitos (or gold diggers) looking to suck you dry! ($21,443,170 remaining)

10. Diamond Contact Lenses, $15,000 USD - https://www.today.com/news/worlds-first ... rSJiNJDvn9
Worried that sweet sound of that crystal piano won't entrap your free agency targets? Don't fret. Put these literal diamonds into your eyes, and you will have no problem glamouring those prospects like a vampire on the set of True Blood. All the purple potential free agents be lining up to take 4-year vet mins in no time. ($21,428,170 remaining)

11-99. 89 5-lb Bags of Haribo Gummi Bears, $979 - https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gold-Bear ... 2Bbag&th=1
Who doesn't want a life-time supply of Haribo Gummi Bears?! ($21,427,191 remaining)

[Soundwave]

There are words here.

[Eazy P]

I LIKE YOUR ARTICLE

[kucoach7]

You only get the points if you finish all 99.

[false9]

Consider this comment as validation

[TheSyndicate]

I enjoy this so far.

[Inner_GI]

You only get the points if you finish all 99.

this is true.

[JNR]

This is a good article.

[MESSI_2.0]

You've already used up almost all of my remaining cap space. You need to be thrifty with the remaining money.

[digiskunk]

lol I thoroughly enjoyed this, great going Doug

[false9]

SMH, invest in some security and insurance

[IamQuailman]

11-99. 89 5-lb Bags of Haribo Gummi Bears, $979 - https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gold-Bear ... 2Bbag&th=1
Who doesn't want a life-time supply of Haribo Gummi Bears?! ($21,427,191 remaining... just enough to max Otto Porter again!)

Updated list

[Inner_GI]

11-99. 89 5-lb Bags of Haribo Gummi Bears, $979 - https://www.amazon.com/Haribo-Gold-Bear ... 2Bbag&th=1
Who doesn't want a life-time supply of Haribo Gummi Bears?! ($21,427,191 remaining... just enough to max Otto Porter again!)

Updated list

Most extensive article ever....

[WigNosy]

But are they Sugar Free Haribo Gummi Bears?

(Look them up. Read the reviews. Thank me later.)

[false9]

But are they Sugar Free Haribo Gummi Bears?

(Look them up. Read the reviews. Thank me later.)

I think this is at least the third time these have come up

[LoCo89]

But are they Sugar Free Haribo Gummi Bears?

(Look them up. Read the reviews. Thank me later.)

Even better find the video review of a guy eating a whole bag on youtube

[WigNosy]

But are they Sugar Free Haribo Gummi Bears?

(Look them up. Read the reviews. Thank me later.)

Even better find the video review of a guy eating a whole bag on youtube

L.A. Beast....

[MESSI_2.0]

Suns GM does not like gummy bears. What about some M&Ms or Nestle Crunch?

[Inner_GI]

You can claim 5 points I guess. Next time don't claim you are writing the most extensive article ever and delivery comedy.