SUPERDUPERFRIENDS
Though not needed in previous installments, there are two teams - one in each conference - with GREAT talent AND cohesion. One of the teams is a co-favorite to win their conference, while the other is dealing with a major injury to their best player and may not even host their first playoff game. Neither is a division leader.
Toronto Raptors
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GREAT
If you had to guess the team here from the East, you'd probably guess Atlanta, but Soundwave has done an incredible job of surround the reigning MVP with a versatile mix of some offense and a TON of defense to create the stingiest roster in the league. While GM Soundwave may be upset that his success thus far doesn't have him higher in the standings, the players don't feel the same irritation. New Raptors Evan Turner and Kevin Martin were so excited to leave Philadelphia, that their joy has been infectious on this roster.
Utah Jazz
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GREAT
You could call this team the big asterisk. They have one of the league's best all-around players in Paul George, and one of the best point guards. They have an aging, but talented center, and then a bunch of guys who are REALLY stoked to be playing alongside those three. George will be out the remainder of the regular season, but this team could be a big spoiler come playoff time.
SUPERFRIENDS
This is the category of teams that are great in either category and good in the other. They are very talented teams that also get along well. They know each other like the back of their hand, and this allows them to get results. This year there are 4 such teams, 2 of them are division leaders, and 2 of them probably could be. They are a combined 90 games over .500.
Atlanta Hawks
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
It's no surprise Atlanta is in this group given the best record in the league as well as a scoring behemoth. Perhaps the only surprise is their cohesion is not GREAT as well. My sources tell me that the culprit here is probably Jeff Adrien who has bounced back and forth from the starting lineup to the bench and back this year, despite his only competition for the role being Aaron Gordon, or as Adrien calls him, "Aaron F***ing Gordon!?!?!"
Denver Nuggets
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
Another division leader, another Superfriend. It has taken some time for the Nuggets’ core to come together after it currently boasts only 4 players that were on the roster last year – and one of their names is Cheick. Talent-wise, though, the Nuggets have a combination of Offense and Defense not found much West of the Mississippi.
Indiana Pacers
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
The Pacers added Ron Artest this offseason to bolster their roster next to SUPERSTAR Deron Williams - and likewise their chances at a ring – and he’s still doing Ron Artest things like averaging 18/6/4/2 and sustaining major injuries. Tyrus Thomas is apparently unhappy with the lack of run he’s been getting to which GM PaulyP supposedly responded behind closed doors, ‘But, but, but, you’re Tyrus Thomas…what am I missing?’
Washington Wizards
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GREAT
J2Xist has a history as a players' GM, but this year he (mostly) also has the talent in players to match their happiness. Though this team recently lost the division lead, his entire rotation is between 6'6" and 6'10" making them difficult to match up with defensively come playoff time. This team is, however, lacking a star offensive player which could doom them, and brings their Talent level down to merely GOOD.
STRONG AND SOLID
These are the teams that have good cohesion and good talent. One small move here or there, and these teams could be Superfriends…or they could be reduced to the Good, Butts (cue Eazy booty gif here). Among these teams you’ll find a division leader, a former division leader, a new kid on the block with a scary team, and a team that just traded away it’s best player (huh?)…any of which could make big time noise in the playoffs.
Phoenix Suns
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
These Suns are ON FIRE, thanks to a SCORCHING 28-3 home record. In addition to their STAR Kevin Love, offseason acquisitions Marcus Thornton and Demare Carroll have been RED HOT each posting career highs in points, rebounds, and assists. Meanwhile, Michael Beasley who was shipped out of town to the lowly Philadelphia 76ers feels like her got BURNED by his old team.
Chicago Bulls
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
In a recent poll of Eastern Conference GMs, this team was ranked just behind Toronto and Atlanta for ‘would least like to face in the playoffs’. They do almost everything well, are led by the ultra-efficient Danilo Gallinari and the two-headed guard monster Ramon Sharden – I think I have that right. They’ll need to do a better job of taking care of the ball if they want to advance deep in the playoffs against a murderer’s row of Eastern Conference juggernauts.
Seattle Supersonics
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
Despite recently trading away arguable their best player and having a record a game below .500, the darlings of the Pacific Northwest are apparently ‘Strong and Solid’. On defense, the only ‘strong’ or ‘solid’ part of their team is defensive stalwart Tyson Chandler. Though his fundamentals aren’t rubbing off on the other players, El Titan is relishing his role as veteran mentor. There is optimism in the future of this team, and that’s keeping the cohesion wheels greased, for now.
Houston Rockets
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
It seems like just yesterday that this team was on top of the Midwest Division, but since they’ve hit a 2-13 stretch that’s really tanked them in the standings. They’re still 3.5 games ahead of the 8 seed in the playoffs race, but if they continue to nosedive, there are about 4 different teams that could jump in to take their spot. They have the talent and camaraderie to stick in this playoffs race, but Coach/GM 78 is going to have to figure out his team, and he’s running out of time.
GOOD, BUT...
This category is filled with teams who are good or great in one category but average in the other. This is slightly different than in year’s past where a team could make this category even if one trait was BAD or POOR. There are some things to like about these teams, but there are questions in either talent or chemistry that could threaten their championship hopes. Several times in the past a team from this category won it all, but I would not bet my marbles on that happening this year (with the possible exception of one team). All of these teams have at least one fatal flaw.
Boston Celtics
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GREAT
The Celtics are the only GREAT/AVERAGE team in this category, and that makes sense. For one, Conroy has kept this core together for many seasons despite lack of playoff success. John Wall, Jared Dudley, Spencer Hawes, and JR Smith have grown to be like brothers, brothers who unfortunately don’t win OR lose enough basketball games to get their beloved GM to the promised land.
Cleveland Cavaliers
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
The 30-32 Cavaliers are just barely hanging on to a playoff spot despite running out a twin-towers front-court perhaps not rivaled anywhere else. Aside from the Horford acquisition, they return much the same team as previous years – unfortunately since a peak of 59 wins in 2011, they posted a 43-39 record in 2012, were .500 last year, and look headed toward a similar record this year. They are in need of a big shakeup next year, or they will not be contenders.
New Orleans Hornets
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
This is a team, once again, defined by a mid-season trade. This time, however, the deal is looked upon favorably by the rest of the league. The core of Monroe, Griffin, Harris, and Dime Lillard legitimately like playing with eachother despite middling success thus far. This is a team playing for the future, and the future shouldn’t be THAT for away.
Miami Heat
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: AVERAGE
This is the best team in this category. Their Cohesion is somewhat hampered by flurry of mid-season activity that saw a reduction of depth as well as their tax bill. Their talent is somewhat hampered by their roster only going 10 deep, and a lack of talented depth. They may win their division, and be the only team in this category with a title shot, but the ratings here betray some fundamental flaws in our final division leader in the rankings.
Golden State Warriors
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
The consensus from 3 years ago stands, “So close to great talent, but they hit a snag in training camp and Curry looks like he'll top off at simply amazing instead of elite. No matter: this Warriors team is talented, and they've never lost the same unified locker room that Bowtothebill has fostered even in losing years.“ This 3pt-happy team is not one that’s going to be fun to face in the playoffs.
Milwaukee Bucks
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: AVERAGE
The good: Milwaukee is 11 games over .500 and 6.5 games clear of being in playoffs jeopardy, they’re 10-3 since trading their best offensive player to the Trailblazers in a move that looks like a win-win.
The bad: It’s all Gravy (whoops, he’s out for 34 days) in Milwaukee these days, suhn.
The ugly: They’re going to have a tough time bringing back a similar roster next year after they pay Irving and Faried, and they don’t have their pick in 2017.
Los Angeles Clippers
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
They still have Kevin Durant, right? They sure do, but they haven’t really put a team around him. Delonte West can score a little, but they were really hurt by the deal that sent McGrady to Houston. Still, they’re 1 game out of the playoff race, and…I mean…they still have Kevin Durant, right?
San Antonio Spurs
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
The perennial ‘Superfriends’ have fallen from grace and are stuck in the middle between low-playoff seed and high-lottery team, a.k.a. no-man’s land. They either need to find takers for Josh Smith, Russel Westbrook, or both, or give these guys some surrounding talent. Though Schroder has been a surprise, continuing to roll out such a thin lineup is not a recipe for success, and it reflects in their placement in these rankings.
NEEDS ATTENTION
The penultimate category is for teams that have at least one category poor or bad, and have at least one good/great category to make up for it. I'm not going to automatically disqualify these teams from making the playoffs, in fact, some almost definitely will, but I will say that if they want to make it, they'll need some vast improvement or teambuilding exercises. Because it ain't pretty.
New York Knicks
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
These Knicks aren’t very good, but they do have some very good pieces, including the first pick in last spring’s draft, Nikola Jokic. They sure do love playing at Madison Square Garden, though, and leading scorer Wesley Matthews recently says he wants to retire a Knick because he loves New York so much.
Sacramento Kings
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: GOOD
This team is bad by design, and probably wishes it was a teensy bit worse. When you’ve got 8 first-round draft picks over the next 3 years, though, sunny skies are right around the corner which is why Nerlens Noel and co. still have faith in this ball club.
Philadelphia 76ers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
Slightly better talent, and slightly worse record, but you could pretty much copy and paste the comment for the Kings above here, and you’d be right. Both of these GMs have a plan, and it won’t be long until they’re back in the thick of things.
Dallas Mavericks
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GREAT
This team is hard to figure. They currently occupy the 8th seed in the West, but don’t figure to make waves in the playoffs. They simply don’t have the talent, but they DO have many interesting role players and are really a star away from a very solid team.
Detroit Pistons
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GREAT
The lack of anything around Anthony Davis is driving down their talent rating, but everyone loves being on a team with the next big thing, and AD certainly is that. He’s a future multiple-MVP winner almost for sure.
VanMemphis Grizzlies
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GREAT
Getting to play for the twin cities of Vancouver and Memphis really motivates this roster. Despite a POOR talent rating, and almost nothing around the three-man core of Drummond, Kawhi, and Butler – the latter two GM LoCo maintains do NOT fit well next to each other – they have a higher than .500 record and are sitting in a playoff spot.
New Jersey Nets
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: GREAT
The Nets are not good. Good-guy and great Center, Chris Kaman, though just can’t believe he’s a professional basketball player. “I get $30 million a year to play a game, AND I’m WHITE. This is the best team ever.” It’s believed that Chris lives across the river in New York City.
Minnesota Timberwolves
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
By this point in the rankings, I’m tired of pointing out flaws (and we haven’t even gotten to the last category) so I’m going to highlight some hope for the future in Minnesota (which must be why their cohesion is rocking). They have a solid core all 24 and under, and all defensive minded. This team may be leading the league in both lowest points allowed AND defensive metrics that matter before too long.
Eesh
This final category of ‘Eesh’ is new to our rankings and the final category of teams. These are teams that have no ratings above ‘Average’. Let’s hope these teams have their picks (and they all do) because until they get their shiny new rookies, they’re making their fans go, ‘Eesh.’
Los Angeles Lakers
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: AVERAGE
Giannis looks like a future stud, they’re headed toward a lotto pick. By the time their giant, terrible, contracts come of the books, they may well be ready to contend. Can you bribe a player to not pick up a player option?!
Orlando Magic
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: POOR
The Magic are 3-34 in their last 37 games, they’ve made moves to get even worse. They’re really rolling the dice that this college class of rookies has some game-changers in it.
Portland Trailblazers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: BAD
The Blazers made a deadline trade to get better, but still maintain a ‘POOR’ talent rating. Often depth is a large portion of that rating, and only fielding a 9-man roster is certainly having an impact. Ish Smith is not working next to Rose, but IS a good player, and KuCoach should be able to find a taker this offseason to improve the rest of his squad.
Hehe
