It's been quiet over here, almost too quiet. It almost makes me wish for the olden days....nah. Last season pretty much went as planned. Everyone performed about to the level we expected, and we were in the mix for the 8th seed until the very end. 
Visual representation of the Wizards' race to the 8th seed
So yeah, a pretty ho-hum season, all things considered. But that was just fine with us, because the real excitement was about to come. Thanks our aggressive past moves, we had set ourselves up with quite a nice bit of cash heading into the offseason, even with the cap holds of JaVale McGee and the newly-acquired Luc Long Ass Name. Just like last season, we were ready to add another piece by any means necessary in RFA.
Our attitude heading into the offseason
But first, we get to the draft. Once again, we did not have a 1st-round pick, and all of our 2nd-rounders were too low to be of any worth. But when one of the guys we'd scouted ended up spiraling down the draft charts, we managed to weasel our way into the bottom end of the draft and bring Alexey Shved to DC.
Yes, this guy was actually on our radar. Don't judge us
Moving on to RFA, we were not only able to reach a deal with JaVale that satisfied both parties, but were also able to con Roy Hibbert and Anthony Randolph into signing offer sheets with us, with the intention of forming a block-happy frontcourt with JaVale. Unfortunately, the Clippers matched Hibbert's deal quickly, leaving us to wait in agony as the clock ticked down towards the deadline, to see whether or not we'd get Anthony Randolph as a consolation prize.
A picture of the Wizards' front office during that period
In the meantime, we decided to bring back Luc Long Ass Name, despite him signing an offer sheet with the Bucks that was a bit more than what we hoped to pay him. In the end, we felt that our offensively-focused team really needed a defensive force like Luc on our roster, and paying a little extra for him wasn't too bad, all things considered. We actually expected JaVale to be the one in that situation...shows how smart we are, I suppose. Oh, and we ended up with Randolph once the deadline hit due to LoCo's cry of YOLO, which is...almost exactly how we signed Wilson Chandler. Hmm. Onward to UFA, where nothing of note happened aside from Rashard turning down the opportunity to return to DC in favor of bigger bucks in the Bay Area. #Imnotbittertho
Rashard Lewis' reaction to the Wizards' contract offer
Just kidding, we actually did accomplish something in FA, and that was making Ersan Ilyasova the highest-paid member of our team. While most would fairly consider him overpaid now, we felt that what he'd shown us in the last year and a half made him worth paying extra to secure his services. We also wanted to send a message to the rest of our team that not only are you here because we want you, but if you produce results, you will be recognized and rewarded.
The look of a man who knows he's richer than you'll ever be
Moving on to training camp, we once again found ourselves satisfied with the gains our guys had made. Tyreke, Thaddeus, and Luc all made solid improvements to their all-around skills, and just about everyone else added a new trick here and there. But most of all, we were very happy to see Gerald Green continue to embrace his role as team captain with a stellar TC that really sets an example for the younger generation. 
What Gerald Green's special diet did for him this TC
So with all that, I think it's safe to say that the future is still bright in DC. We've gathered a solid core of young talent, and we're excited to see where they lead us. And even if they lead us to the gutter, we still have our pick, right?
"Right."
