ATTACK OF THE DEADLINE

[IamQuailman]

DIRK: HI, THIS IS DIRK BIGLY REPORTING LIVE FROM THE BATTLEFIELD KNOWN AS TRADE DEADLINE.

DIRK: SIDES ARE FIRECELY ENGAGING IN CYBERNETIC WARFARE AND EXTREME NEGOTIATING TACTICS, PLOTTING ATTACKS ON FRINGE PLAYOFF TEAMS, LEAGUE ELITE, AND TANKERS ALIKE. REPORTS OF CAP CASUALTIES WILL START STREAMING IN AS WE WATCH EACH SIDE OF THIS BATTLE TRY TO POSTURE ITSELF FOR THE NOW AND THE FUTURE. I'M COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE TRENCHES, WHERE EARLY REPORTS ARE LEAKING IN OF A COUPLE OF LOTTO TEAMS MESSAGES. OUR CORRESPONDENTS HAVEN'T DECIPHERED THESE MESSAGES WHICH ARE TYPED IN SOME SORT OF CODE:

DIRK: CRAZY STUFF. LET'S GO OVER TO FEMALE NEWS CORRESPODENT SHIRLEY THEYREEL.

SHIRLEY: THANKS FOR THAT DIRK. WE HAVE SOME VERY LARGE NEWS TO BREAK AT THIS MOMENT. THE SUNS, IN AN ATTEMPT TO MILK THE BLAZERS OF EVERYTHING THEY COULD, MANAGED TO FONDLE THEIR WAY INTO THE RIGHTS OF SCORING FORWARD ADAM MORRISON. HE MAY BE TITULATING ON OFFENSE, BUT HIS DEFENSE LEAVES YOU THINKING "WOW, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S FAKER: SHIRLEY'S BREASTS OR THAT GREEN POTENTIAL?" MEANWHILE, THE BLAZERS NIP THAT SCORING PROBLEM IN THE BUD BY BRINGING IN A SHARPSHOOTER FROM BEYOND THE ARC. SURE BLOOD WAS DRAWN FIRST BY THE SUNS, BUT AT LEAST THE BLAZERS GOT A GOOD FEEL OF THE SUNS' ROSTER AND MANAGED TO SQUEEZE OUT A LITTLE TALENT. IT'S SO H-- I NEE-- --FF MY TO---

DIRK: SORRY, IT SEEMS LIKE WE HAVE LOST SHIRLEY. SHIRLEY, IF YOU CAN HERE ME, MEET ME BACK AT THE SLOETEL LOBBY FOR 9PM. *ahem* WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE AS IT BREAKS!

[IamQuailman]

DIRK BIGLY BACK ON THE NEWS. WE JUST HAD A LATE BREAKING DISCOVERY. THE GRIZZLIES AND KINGS HAD A TRADE BEFORE THE PREVIOUS SIM. THE AMOUNTS OF CARE IN THE WORLD COULD NOT BE AMASSED FOR US TO REALLY COMMENT ON IT THEN. SO THIS IS US MAKING UP FOR THAT LITERALLY NOTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED.

IN OTHER NEWS:

[IamQuailman]

DIRK BIGLY HERE. EARLY MORNING BREAKING NEWS. THE BOSTON FRONT IS LOOKING TO GO TO BATTLE, AND THEY ARE PREPARING THEIR LEAD CANNON FODDER/WEAPON OMER ASIK FOR DUTY. THEY ARE TRYING VERY HARD TO INSTIGATE TALKS BY BRINGING UP PAST TRANSGRESSIONS WHERE SCOUTS FROM THE PHILADELPHIA, SACRAMENTO, AND SEATTLE CAMPS LAUNCHED VERBAL ATTACKS ON THEIR TRADING POST. DESPITE THEIR EFFORTS, NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRY TO EQUIP AND DRESS OMER FOR BATTLE, HIS CAMO WILL ALWAYS BE G/G.

IN OTHER NEWS, THE NEW YORK KNICKS STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEIR TACTICS WILL BE. WILL THEY CONTINUE TO PREPARE THEIR TANK MAINTENANCE, OR WILL THEY ATTEMPT TO BRING IN REINFORCEMENTS TO HELP THEIR FUTURE CAUSE (AT THE EXPENSE OF THEIR POTENTIAL LOTTO PICKS)? I HEARD ONE OF HIS TACTICS IS THE BAIT-AND-SWITCH AFTER HITTING WITH A FLASHBANG. OFFERS A MAVS OR PISTONS 2012 1ST THEN SWITCH OUT FOR CAVS 2012 1ST. WILL SOME MORE INEXPERIENCED GENERALS FALL FOR THESE TACTICS? TIME WILL TELL.

STAY SAFE, THIS IS DIRK BIGLY.

[IamQuailman]

BRUTAL. IT'S DIRK BIGLY, AND WE ARE STILL LIVE ON THE BATTLEFIELD. WE HAVE RECEIVED NUMEROUS FEEDS IN THE PAST HOURS OF THE DARKER SIDE OF THIS WAR. IN THE NEW YORK FRONTLINE, GENERAL GI HAS DEEMED LOU WILLIAMS AND BRANDON WRIGHT AS DESERTERS, ORDERING THEM TO SURRENDER THEIR FUTURE REMUNERATIONS OR FACE THE FIRING SQUAD. ONE OF OUR DARING CAMERAMEN RSIKED HIS LIFE TO CAPTURE THIS MOMENT ON FILM. PLEASE NOTE, WHAT YOU ARE SEEING IS JUST A GLIMPSE INTO THE INTENSITY OF TRADE DEADLINE. LOYALTIES WILL BE QUESTIONED AND ANY FALTERING COULD LEAVE YOU DEAD (cap).

DOWN SOUTH ON THE TEXAS-MEXICO BORDER, THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS BUILT A WALL AROUND THEIR CAMP TO FORTIFY THEM FROM THE CAP HIT OF FORMER HALL OF FAMER KEVIN GARNETT. SOURCES CLOSE TO GENERAL P'S INNER CIRCLE SAY THAT HE DOESN'T WANT THIS TO BE ANOTHER "ALAMO". KEVIN GARNETT FEELS BETRAY AND IS TRYING TO FIND ANYWAY TO INFILTRATE THE SPURS FORT, BUT EVEN THE MOST EXTREME ATTEMPTS HAVE BEEN UTTER FAILURES.

GENERAL EAZY P WAS NOT AVAILABLE FOR COMMENT, AS HE'S CURRENTLY BUSY WITH HIS TEAM SCIENTISTS TRYING TO PERFECT THE SUPER SOLDIER SERUM FORMULA FOR BUDDIGN SUPERSTAR RUSSELL WESTBROOK. OUR EXPERTS BELIEVE THAT THE MISSING EQUATION TO THIS FORMULA IS +5 HND, +1 PAS.

MORE TO COME AS IT BREAKS. DIRK BIGLY, SIGNING OFF.

[IamQuailman]

DIRK BIGLY BACK WITH YOU WITH A NEW REPORT. DESPERATION IS STARTING TO TAKE ITS TOLL ON TEAMS AS WE HAVE SEEN AN UPTICK IN TRADE SOLICITS. TEAMS ARE RESORTING TO DRASTIC TACTICS LIKE FALSE NARATIVE PROPOGANDA, LIKE SAYING THE LAKERS 2012 1ST IS #3 IN DRAFT PREVIEW, IN ORDER TO INFLATE VALUE. OPPOSING CAMPS ARE STARTING TO CATCH WIND OF THIS STRATEGY AND HAVE INCREASED DEFENSIVE MEASURES AGAINST BAD TRADE ALLIANCES.

THERE IS ALSO NEWS THAT DESPITE RECENT TRADE BLOCK RESURGENCES THE PHONE LINES IN TORONTO ARE SILENT. PERHAPS WARRING STATES ARE AFRAID OF INCURRING LONG DISTANCE CALL CHARGES OR INJURING/TIRING THEIR CARRIER PIGEONS (ALL OF WHICH ARE NOT NAMED ROBBIE). PERHAPS UNITED STATES GENERALS WANT TO KEEP JOBS IN THE US AND NOT EXPORT WORK ACROSS OUR NEIGHBORING BORDERS. CANADA HAS DENIED ALLEGATIONS OF PAYING FOR ANY WALL OR BORDER FORTIFICATION ALONG THE US-CANADA LINE.

WAIT-- LITERALLY HOT OFF THE PRESSES, THERE HAS BEEN A MASSIVE INTER-CONFERENCE CLASH. TORONTO HAS BROKEN RADIO SILENCE.

MAVERICK GENERALS OF DALLAS HAVE EXCOMMUNICATED ONCE FOUNDATIONAL PIECE HASSAH WHITESIDE TO THE ARTIC CLIMATE OF TORONTO. LITERALLY ON THE HEELS OF SILENT WIRETAPS, WE HAVE BROKEN SILENCE WITH A CANNON SHOT. TORONTO GENERAL DEEMED THAT GUARD DEMAR DEROZAN WAS NOT SUITED TO COMMAND THE RAPTORIAL TROOPS AND THE CHANGE WAS MADE. INCREDIBLE, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU WILL SEE HERE ON THE BATTLEFIELD KNOWN AS TRADE DEADLINE.

OH, RIGHT, HOUSTON RELEASED TJ FORD. MOVING ALONG, THIS IS DIRK BIGLY REPORTING LIVE.

[IamQuailman]

THE FLOOD GATES HAVE REALLY OPENED IN TORONTO. FIRST DEMAR, NOW MCGRADY. DIRK BIGLY HERE REPORTING LIVE FROM THE TUNDRA. PHILADELPHIA, IN AN EFFORT TO MIMIC A FAILED SACRAMENTO WAR STRATEGY, HAS ASSEMBLED THE FORMER-COMMRADES TYSON CHANDLER AND TRACEY MCGRADY IN AN EFFORT TO SALVAGE THEIR SEASON AFTER A D-WADE INJURY. HOW QUICKLY THE RUTHLESS, BALL-LESS GENERAL OF PHILADEPHIA TURNS ON HIS OWN TEAM LEADERS. PHOTOGRAPHS WERE CAPTURED OF PAMPHLETS AND PROPOGANDA IS BEING DROPPED VIA PLAN OVER THE HOMES OF ALL NBA PLAYERS DEMONSTRATING THE VILE AND CUT THROAT NATURE EMINATING FROM PHILLY.

THE WORLD SHEDS A TEAR FOR YOU, DWAYNE WADE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE.

[IamQuailman]

DIRK BIGLY, HERE. CALM BEFORE THE STORM. VERY QUIET ON THE EASTERN AND WESTERN FRONTS. OUR STATISTICS DEPARTMENT HAS CALCULATED THAT IF ANY CONVERSATION IS BEING HAD THERE'S A 37.5% CHANCE IT'S OCCURRING VIA PM.

THERE IS THE 57.5% CHANCE THE CONVERSATION IS HAPPENING VIA SKYPE.

AND THERE IS A 5% CHANCE THAT THE MESSAGE IS BEING IGNORED BY ONE OF THE MESSINA BROTHERS.

I HAVE A FEELING THERE IS GOING TO BE AN ERUPTION SOON. SOME VERY GOOD TEAMS HAVE ALLOTED A PORTION OF THE BUDGET FOR CAP INTAKE; YOU WOULD ONLY IMAGINE THAT THEY WOULD USE THAT TO BRING IN DEPTH AND INCREASE THEIR PRESENCE. WE MANAGED TO GET A FAILED TROOP MORALE BOOSTING POSTER FROM THE HOUSTON CAMP. GOOD JOB GOOD EFFORT.

IN OTHER NEWS, CAP CASUALTIES HAVE STARTED TO AMASS. MARVIN WILLIAMS WAS DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED FROM DUTY IN NEW ORLEANS AFTER BEING FOUND ON THE CORNER OF IBERVILLE AND BOURBON AT 5AM WITH HIS GENITALIA PROTRUDING FROM HIS PANTS AND LICKING A STRAY CAT MUTTERING SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF "NICK SAID HE WOULD PLAY ME AS A STARTER. HE TOLD ME ANYONE WAS BETTER THAN HAVING TO START ODEN." GENERAL MANAGER MALONE WAS NOT AVAILABLE FOR COMMENT. HOWEVER, HE SAID THAT HIS TROOPS ARE READY FOR BATTLE AND FOCUS DESPITE THE LOSS OF MARVIN.

[IamQuailman]

MURDERS HE WROTE: A BALLSOHARD STORY. HI, DIRK BIGLY HERE AGAIN. ANOTHER HOUR PASSES AND ANOTHER HOUR WE ARE CLOSER UNTIL D-DAY. MEANWHILE, BACK IN PHILADELPHIA, GENOCIDE IS OCCURRING, AS BORIS DIAW, MO WILLIAMS, AND JORDAN HAMILTON HAVE ALL BEEN CATAPULTED INTO A FIRE PIT NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

WE REACHED OUT TO BALLSOHARD FOR A COMMENT: "WE WILL COLLECT THEIR ASHES AND SPRINKLE THEM ON THE BODIES OF OUR FALLEN ENEMIES. NO ONE STANDS A CHANCE AGAINST THE POWER OF A MAD TITAN."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK. REMEMBER THAT YOU LITTLE YELLOW/YELLOWS WHEN YOU GET THOSE VET MIN OFFERS DURING THE RECRUITMENT PROCESS OF THE OFF-SEASON.

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[NOLa.]

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK. REMEMBER THAT YOU LITTLE YELLOW/YELLOWS WHEN YOU GET THOSE VET MIN OFFERS DURING THE RECRUITMENT PROCESS OF THE OFF-SEASON.

Sent from my SM-G935P using Tapatalk

[IamQuailman]

DIRK BIGLY, BACK AGAIN. WE WERE VERY ENTRENCHED IN THE MIDST OF IT ALL, LOST OUR SATELLITE FEED. BUT WE ARE BACK AND BROADCASTING FROM THE AFTERMATH. CASUALTIES ARE RELATIVELY MINIMUM THIS YEAR, WITH MOST COMING AT THE HANDS OF TYRANT MCDOUBALLSOHARD.

HOWEVER, JUST BECAUSE THERE WAS NO TRADE WAR DOESN'T MEAN THE HOURS LEADING UP TO THE CLIMAX OF TRADE DEADLINE WAS NOT DRAMA-FREE. ENTER: GENERAL PREJ-A-DICK ARNOLD.

MULTIPLE SOURCES CONFIRM THAT AT LEAST TWO TREASTICES WERE IN PLACE READY TO BE SIGNED HOURS LEADING UP TO THE DEADLINE, ALL BUT A FORMALITY OF FINDING A FEATHERED PEN. A GM HARD-PRESSED TO MAKE A MOVE, GENERAL OF UTAH APPEARED POISED TO CATAPULT HIS SQUADRON INTO PLAYOFF CONTENTION. HOWEVER, IN THE WANING MOMENTS BEFORE D-DAY, RIVAL ORGANIZATIONS APPARENTLY RODE UP TO THE UTAH CAMP ONLY TO FIND IT DESERTED. IN THE END, TWO ARMIES READYING THEIR ARMAMENTS FOR BATTLE WERE LEFT TO FEND OFF THE ANGRY NATIVES (AKA UTAH FANS) WITH UNDER MANNED BATTALIONS. PERHAPS THIS WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG. ANGRY NATIVES AREN'T SOMETHING TO MESS WITH; WHY DEAL WITH IT WHEN TWO OTHER ARMIES CAN. OPERATION: GHOST RECON.

NEEDLESS TO SAY THOSE DEALS AND ALLIANCES FELL THROUGH, POSSIBLY WITH BRIDGES FROM THEIR RESPECTIVE CITIES TO UTAN FOREVER BURNED.

ON THE OTHER HAND, SOME OLD ALLIANCES NEVER DIE, AS WE SEE YET AGAIN THE HORNETS SQUADRON AND THE BUCKS BRIGAGE ONCE AGAIN PEACEFULLY AGREEING TO A DEAL THAT BENEFITS BOTH PARTIES. SOMETIMES THE BEST OF FRIENDS EMERGE FROM THE FIELDS OF WAR. THIS IS ANOTHER CASE HERE TODAY. MILWAUKEE GENERAL QUAILMEN WAS QUOTED: "WE ARE JUST FINALLY HAPPY TO HAVE OUR VERSION OF GLEN DAVIS ON OUR TEAM".

WITH ALL THE ACTION TODAY, SERVERS SEEM TO HAVE CRASHED NATION WIDE CAUSING DELAYS IN THE BATTLE RESULTS BUT IN THE END, US REPORTERS GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS. BEING IN THE THICK OF THINGS, SEEING IT ALL. HOPEFULLY YOU ENJOYED THIS AS MUCH AS I HAVE. THIS IS DIRK BIGLY, SIGNING OFF.

[ballsohard]

Glol

[NickMalone77]

Thank you for your media contribution. Here is +5 for your article.

[IamQuailman]

WOOO