"Oh hey guys! Thanks for coming! I realized the other day that I do my best thinking in the shower so I thought I'd invite you all to my bathroom for the preseason press conference. I thought it would be fun to mix things up a bit. Okay well fun might not be the right word. Anyway, this is the way this is going to work. I'm just going to say my shower thoughts out loud and pretend that you're not here and then you guys can ask me questions while I towel off. Sound good?"
. . .
"Man, I totally blew this offseason."
. . .
"But not really, I brought back Dunleavy, Gooden, and Butler on decent contracts. I kept Kandi around."
. . .
"Kandi's TC though. Yikes."
. . .
"Still, there are few guys that can do what he does."
. . .
"Giricek was a bonus."
. . .
"I can't believe I didn't notice his age until after sign and trade negotiations. Oops."
. . .
"And I didn't get the perimeter defender I was looking for."
. . .
"Soon"
. . . . .
"Maybe I should tank."
. . .
"I can't really tank. I have three RFAs. Plus I'm 100 games below .500 for my career. I can't just keep losing."
. . .
"130 games below 500."
. . .
"Maybe I should just give it up."
. . .
"Eh, I own my pick but I might as well try."
. . .
"That Brad Miller signing was a disaster. Do I trade him for peanuts to get under the cap? His handling and passing skills are legit."
. . .
"Funny thing. I never regret the Dirk trade. I didn't think that would happen."
. . .
"Did I forget to wash my hair?"
. . .
"Looks like another year of mediocrity in all honesty and the strength of this draft is uncertain. Maybe I should trade my pick again. I can't do that. I need assets."
. . .
"It is incredible how good I am at landing the nine seed."
. . .
"I am so points poor I have to get under that cap. If I won more I'd have more points."
. . .
"I made the playoffs 3 of my first 5 years. This will be the fifth year in a row I don't make the playoffs."
. . .
"I've only won one playoff series. Yikes."
. . .
"This is getting depressing. Better wrap it up. Well gang I'm getting out. If you don't want to be scarred for the rest of your life you can look away now but you needn't feel obligated. I'll take questions as soon as someone hands me my towel."
