Cleveland Cavaliers 2005-2006 Preseason Press Conference

[42PhD]

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Innate seed
To watch you bleed
A demanding physical need
Desecrated eviscerated
Time perpetuated

-- Slayer, Season in the Abyss

Owner: I don't have time for this shit, I got a secretary with big tits and concert tickets, so it's going to be short and sweet. It's just me here, and you follow what nerd boy says on our tv show. We're keeping Coach; he over-performed last season, which is a good sign.

Last season was the real start of our rebuild, and we were happy with it. We secured the top pick in the draft despite shameless and hopeless UNREPORTED attempts to tank by other teams. During that season, we also watched our reclamation projects, and some panned out, and each one is a cock up by another team. We kept our books intact and kept our flexibility moving forward while doing our best to stick it up the League's ass in some way.

Clearly, with the first pick in the draft, we selected Chris Paul. We always have backup plans, but in the end Chris looked like the winner and we stand by it. The trade offers were just not even close to respectable. Either the other GM's are idiots or they think I am. Either way, they can suck my ass.

Our strategy in free agency was to only offer the following kinds of contracts: maximum offers to difference makers, value contracts to role players, bench upgrades, one year rentals. All of our contracts offers were of reasonable length.

We completely struck out in the first round of free agency, but given our goals and timeline, that is fine. In the subsequent rounds we filled in our bench and added Doug Christie and Cedric Ceballos as starters. Both took only minor setbacks in camp, which is good news for us. Michael Doleac remains viable, which James Jones, Travis Outlaw, Darius Miles, and Brendan Haywood taking big steps forward.

Christie's contract is also great for a remorse trade should another GM who overestimated their own team comes to their senses, which means that we'll likely keep him all season, and Cedric and some role players can do the same for a smaller priced contract.

To sum, we get our guy in Chris Paul, Michael Redd remains with the team, and we feel good about our roster having a decent shot at making the playoffs. If we don't, we can easily do it again next season where we'll be in a better position to add talent than this season. God only knows how's this will pan out, because I've realized I can't understand the idiocy in some corners of the League, but our goal is to have have winning record and have the best record in franchise history in 3 years.

I'm told we need to take questions. That's fine. I'll endure it, but all questions must be phrased as a compliment. Do you best impression of thinking, and begin.

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Join in my quest to leave life overturned
Spanning the world wave of doom
Spewing out death with the evil I've churned
Awaken the dead from their tomb

-- Slayer, Born of Fire

[Xist2Inspire]

Random Reporter: Compliments, huh? Fine, I'll play. Congrats on drafting Chris Paul, it's been proven that star PGs win titles, and CP3 looks like he could become one of those star PGs. So let's hear what your first-class draft analysts told you that CP3 brings to your team, and what you will have to do to cover his weakness and achieve your goals.

[42PhD]

Thanks. That is a nice compliment. Chris' overall talent level put him at the top of the class. Cleveland positioned itself to be very flexible and could have taken Granger, Bynum, or others, depending on what sort of deal we got for trading down.

Chris has great handles, very good scoring potential, and is a nice perimeter defender.

Thus, he was a nice draft pick.

Looking beyond him in himself, teams are always, and even are now, looking for a solid point guard. When recent title teams have had holes, they were not at point guard.

All signs pointed to picking the best player available at point guard, and he happened to be the best player available.

Next compliment?

[coltsguy510]

Nice job on putting together a team with solid player at all spots besides PF. What do you plan on doing at that position?

[42PhD]

Why thank you. We expect to start Cedric Ceballos and see how that goes. If that does not work, Malik Allen. Miles will come off the bench in either case. Cedric may have more in the tank than some realize, and while undersized at the position, he can give us a good option with Redd, Christie, and Paul as the primary outside attackers.

Cedric will play some small forward, too.

Power forward is a position we really have had trouble with since I took over the team. Cedric was a gamble, and still is, but we are not in a position to win a title, and we aren't trying to do so. We are prototyping the team.

[IamQuailman]

I hear Chris Paul's handles are so good you invite him into your office for a post workout handles training. Any truth?

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[kucoach7]

You potentially have a nice young core of Paul, Redd, Outlaw, Jones, and Haywood. Do you think you'll keep the gang together or ship 1 or 2 of them off to bring in a star?

[42PhD]

I hear Chris Paul's handles are so good you invite him into your office for a post workout handles training. Any truth?

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If anything, he needs to learn when to be gentle. You've seen the footage.

[IamQuailman]

I hear Chris Paul's handles are so good you invite him into your office for a post workout handles training. Any truth?

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If anything, he needs to learn when to be gentle. You've seen the footage.

Are you saying he has a thing for feet?

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[42PhD]

I hear Chris Paul's handles are so good you invite him into your office for a post workout handles training. Any truth?

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If anything, he needs to learn when to be gentle. You've seen the footage.

Are you saying he has a thing for feet?

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Chris strives for excellence on the court. He wears protection, but his feet are what are actually on the court... How could he not?

[ballsohard]

There have been some rumors that the players do not appreciate Slayer being played on the overhead during practices. Saying it throws off their rhythm. are you open to playing some of that rap music the players like instead?

[42PhD]

You potentially have a nice young core of Paul, Redd, Outlaw, Jones, and Haywood. Do you think you'll keep the gang together or ship 1 or 2 of them off to bring in a star?

That all depends on free agency and other GM's in the trade market. My guess is we'll end up shipping someone out, just because that is what history says, so we are willing to package one of our picks with a player to upgrade. That is one reason we decided to overpay Christie. We could virtually assure his signing when competition was limited, it left us money for another small signing, and he is a virtual expiring who can help us take back a big salary when someone decides their tax bill is too much. If they get too greedy at the table, I have free agency waiting for me, they have tax hell and min signings for seasons to come. Seasons.

[42PhD]

There have been some rumors that the players do not appreciate Slayer being played on the overhead during practices. Saying it throws off their rhythm. are you open to playing some of that rap music the players like instead?

We rotate through the big 4, then it's glam rock on Fridays. Weekends are. Walk through the 70's and punk.

It's our formula. Anthrax played with Public Enemy. Maybe that floats someone's boat. Maybe not.

Those checks clear twice a month, so they are happy enough.