Ladies and gentleman my name is Soun Dwave and it is the greatest priveldge of my career to serve as the advocate for the beast incarnate ELTTTTTON BRRRRRRAAAANNND. The conqueror of Wig's streak. A streak that lasted nearly a quarter of a century, a quarter of a century that ended in three seconds at the hands of the conqueror Elton Brand!
(crowd chants bullshit) I understand how you feel, you're in shock, which shows me lack of intelligence because we hate to say we told you so but ladies and gentleman, we told you so!!! My client stood before you in a shirt, now here it is I know how difficult it is for you to read but it says, EATTTTT....SLEEPPPPP....BREAK...THE....STREAK!! And you had the temerity to doubt the strategy of the greatest manager in sports entertainment history Soun Dwave, or the physical credentials of the most dominant athlete in SLOE ever Elton Brand!
Hey lets get one thing straight, Elton Brand is not here to put smiles on people's faces, Elton Brand is here to shock the SLOE Universe and put tears in the eyes of children (crowd cheers). But now that you know all the headline, why don't we go a little of page and shoot from the hip, shall we? Five seconds after walking through the curtain at the finals Wig collapsed and as all...oh I know you don't want to hear this story do you! It's a little too real for you!...so as all the paramedics and doctors are panicking and there is chaos backstage the most ruthless man who has ever had the privilege of meeting me, The Chairman of the Board Ballssohard left the finals and rode to the hospital with the Wig. Wig is being treated today for a severe concussion, he came this close to a broken neck, this close to a cracked skull, and the greatest thing the Wig ever did was not getting his shoulder up on that third F5 because if he did he would have had a broken neck, Elton Brand would have cracked his skull, Elton Brand was willing to beat on Wig to such a degree that the complexion of this television show would have changed tonight, because Elton wasn't done until the streak was dead. (crowd boos)
Here's what really get's to me, when the match was over Quailman and those two other things that call themselves announcers (crowd cheers) stood up and gave a standing ovation, along with 80,000 people in the Skydome...Skydome Nick Malone, not Silverdome! and gave a standing ovation to Wig, gave a standing ovation to the guy that lost the fight. Here is what I don't understand, Elton Brand always taught me that in every fight there is winner and a loser, well last night Wig WAS A LOOOOOSSSEEEERRRR (with hand action) (crowd boos). And the winner whether you like it or not was ELLLLLLLLTTTTTTTON BRRRRRRRRRRRRRAND!
But since this is supposed to be the wildest crowd of the year, you should all feel empowered because each and every single one of you is exactly like every single member of that SLOE lockerroom (points backstage). You're all a bunch of wannabe's! When Elton Brand walked through that curtain last night nobody gave him a standing ovation! Everyone looked down, do you know why? Because nobody respected Elton Brand. Which is fine for Elton because Elton Brand respects nobody, he barely tolerates me, and he certainly doesn't respect anyone who is going to fly in from around the world to sit here on national television on the Monday after the Finals trying to get noticed on worldwide TV!!!!
So notice this ok, there are a lot of people in the back who sit there and say I could have been the one to jump from the ring to the court, but NOLa never fought in a court, Tray never fought in a court, Thee JNR never fought in a court, do you know why? There all wannabes! Elton Brand is the one! There are a lot of people who wanted to be the NCAA Division One Champion, the People's Heavyweight Champion, the Undisputed SLOE Heavyweight Champion...The Quail never pulled that off! Nick Malone never pulled that off! Loco never pulled that off! Know why? There all wannabes, Elton Brand is the one! And then you got a bunch of guys in the locker room coming up to me and saying, "Hey Soun. I could have been the one to break the streak, I could have been the one to have beaten Wig" So why didn't ya?! Ballssohard didn't break the streak, Darth Vegito didn't break the streak, Conroy didn't break the streak, know why? Their all wannabes, Elton Brand is the one!! Because Elton Brand is the one in twnety one and one.
I'm sorry, are you saying what to me? (crowd Whats back) Oh I forgot who you are, so I shall say it slowly for you: ELLLLLLTTTTTTTON BBBRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDD ISSS THHHEEE ONNNNEEE IIINNNN TWWWENNTTTTTYYYY ONNNNNNNEEEEE ANDDDDDD ONNEEE. Ladies and gentlemen there are SLOE Hall of Famers, there are Legends and there are SLOE Superstars and the key to that is that they are all plural. There all lumped together and then there's only one that stands head and shoulders above the rest on a platform of his own, THERES ONLY ONE BEAST INCARNATE! THERES ONLY ONE CONQUEROR OF THE STREAK! AND THERE IS ONLY ONE ELLLLLLLLTTTTTTTTTTON BRRRRRRRRRAAAANNNNNNNND!
*The deadman (aka Ballssohard) hits the podium and chockeslams Elton Brand straight to HELL*
Ladies and gentlemen. This was supposed to be a joyous occasion. I had streamers and balloons prepared for the end of this speech. The party would have been the event of the century. But due to unforeseen circumstances, this will now be a time for mourning. The league has lost an asset today. A god amongst men was struck down with the speed and precision of a lightning bolt. Let us come together and remember his greatness. Through him, with him, in him, in the unity of the Evil Empire, all glory and honor is yours almighty Brand, forever and ever.
Let us now bow our heads and take a moment of silence for our dearly departed.
