The massive backyard was absolutely crowded, a sure sign that the Wizards' 1st Annual Backyard Barbecue was a shining success. Everyone was here: Lamar Odom, who was in an unspecified location stuffing his face with candy; Michael Olowokandi, who was inside playing PS2 with Derek Anderson and Erick Strickland; Rashard Lewis, who was swaggering around with a "Kiss the Cook" apron on despite not having done a lick of anything food-related aside from eating; Anthony Johnson, who was actually grilling and trying to keep calm; Troy Murphy, who was hovering around the grill, lecturing AJ on the evils of greasy red meat and trying to convince him to put some tofu and veggie patties on the grill; Chris Mihm, who was also hovering around the grill, loudly boasting that he, as a Texan, was ten times a better grillmaster than AJ; the Wizard Girls (don't call them the Witches), who were playing a rather intense game of football; Vladimir Radmanovic and Jonathan Bender, who were watching the ladies intently, silently praying for a catfight or nip slip; Pat Garrity, who scoffed at Vlad Rad and Bender's blatant thirst, muttering to himself that the women were hotter back in Miami; Trajan Langdon, who had a bad feeling he was going to get cut, and was hiding from the Wizards' GM; Nick Anderson, who was trying to find the Wizards' GM so he could beg for a new deal; Chris Carr, who was giggling uncontrollably as he prepared an entire water cooler full of water balloons; Wizards GM Xist2inspire, who was at the bar resisting the urge to grab another shot of tequila as he talked about the Wizards' offseason and answered round after round of questions from the many fans and reporters gathered around him.......and poor Duane Causwell, who was alone at the front gate, trying to convince the bouncers that he was invited.
Xist
: ...so we entered the draft with no picks and left with no players. It was disappointing, because we really liked a few guys, but trades were moving faster than we could keep up, so we just shut it down and waited for FA. You all know that Lamar and Bender are back, but we couldn't sign Wally because of cap concerns. Toronto just made him an offer he couldn't refuse and we couldn't pay, so that was that. We did manage to bring in some solid bench guys in FA. We were worried that not too many guys would want to take the minimum and play for us, and a lot didn't, but we're really happy to have Derek, Chris, Erick, and Trajan.*Langdon, who was sneaking past the crowd, overhears Xist's statement*
: Really? You mean it?: Um, yeah...dude, what's with the fake moustache and shades?*Langdon quickly rips the disguise off, embarrassed*
: ...er...um...well, I...oww! Yeah, about that...hey where's Lamar? Have you guys seen Lamar? I'm gonna go find Lamar.*Langdon runs away*
: Ooookay...anyway, we had a rough time last season when it came to getting good perimeter play off the bench, so with any luck, this season will be better. We're very glad to have seemingly filled that hole. Now about trades. During a friendly chat with the T-Wolves' GM, Radmanovic and Watson's names casually came up. Well as it turned out, they were looking for a young point guard, and we were looking for another 3-point shooter and someone to replace Wally. It was just too perfect of a deal, so we went ahead and pulled the trigger. Also, though we really loved what Vitaly did for us last season, we were having a hard time penciling him in to the rotation once Mihm came along. So we pulled a quick flip for Pat Garrity, another bench shooter who can come in and light it up. Now that training camp's over, we have a better idea of how the rotation's gonna work and how this team fits together. The good seems to outweigh the bad so far. So yeah, that was our offseason. You guys happy now? Why don't y'all go bug the rest of the team or something? *Xist sighs, and leans back a bit, but then sits back up and turns around*
: Hey, you. Yeah, you over there, the guy who's been staring at me like you're reading an article or something. You like, really, really look like you wanna ask me something. Well go ahead, guess that's why I'm here after all...*Xist's hand drifts along the counter towards a bottle of Jack Daniels, but then pulls away*
: Ah dammit. Anyway man, go ahead. Whatcha got for me?
: You dragged me here for an interview? Dammit Lang, you said they'd brought out some Twizzlers! Liar...anyway, what was your question?
: "Round" is not a good shape to be in, my friend. I told you that all that sugar would mess with your metabolism, and thus negatively affect your game. And eating Anthony's greasy blobs of death on the regular certainly doesn't help matters any.
: What, are you stupid or something, man? Shandon was the Heat's starting Small Forward last season! You know, 6'6", drafted by the Kings 16th in '96...
: ...Hm? Oh well, they've never really wanted or needed me to score, to be completely honest. Personally, I feel that the last thing we need is yet another guy looking for his shot every time we step on the court. I'm here to patrol the paint, clean up the bricks that get thrown up, and that's about it. Not that I haven't been working on my offensive game, of course...
: Hey Kent, you gonna cape up yet dawg? I'm getting bored out here. Hey, if I make this shot, Lois Lane is mine.
: Not quite. Ain't that what the rest of us are here for though?
: Mah gawd AJ, what in thah hell did ya put in that burgah???
: Oh, nothing much, I just seasoned it with a nice blend of southwestern spices...and a little ghost pepper.
