The Mar-a-Lago Big Beautiful Draft Lottery Address
Sponsored by: Qatar Airways
"Welcome to Mar-a-Lago. It’s the greatest estate in the world, nothing else even comes close. We’re here for the Big Beautiful Draft Lottery and I have to tell you, it’s an extreme left, terrible system. It’s a handout. We’re taking the best players and giving them to the biggest losers. In Manhattan, we call that a bad deal. It’s a disgrace to the game, frankly. It’s socialist, it’s weak, and it’s being run by people who wouldn't know a winning building if it hit them in the face."
"Look at some of the cities waiting for a miracle tonight. It’s a very sad group of people, believe me.
Cleveland, A total disaster. I’ve been there. It’s cold, it’s gray, and the buildings... they need help. The Cavaliers are a low energy team in a low energy city. It’s a tragedy what’s happening there.
New York, the Knicks are a mess. My city, and they can’t win a game. They have the best real estate and they’re playing like they’re in a junior high gym. Very embarrassing.
The Kansas City Kings: This is the biggest disaster of them all. They’re a failure. The GM threaten to quit. What a loser. I’ve been saying it for years, they need to contract the team. Just end it. And this GM, Darth? Fire him! Get him the hell out of there! He’s a loser, he has no vision. If they were smart, they’d let me manage the team. I’d move them out of that dump, bring them right here, and call them the Mar-a-Lago Kings. We’d win every game. We’d have the best uniforms, the best food, and we’d never, ever lose. It would be a total powerhouse."
"But before I reveal the order, I have to address the champions. The San Antonio Spurs. They won. I guess we have to congratulate them, even though the ratings I've seen, the numbers, were not what they could have been if I was running the team. Going same is boring and weak. It was a nice win, a big win, whatever.
But I’ve been looking at the tapes of the crowds in San Antonio. I have a very good eye for these things, okay. I see the people in the streets, and I’m telling you, it’s a disgrace. You look at those fans and you know, deep down, a lot of them are illegal. They’re coming across the border, they’re taking the jerseys, they’re taking the seats from real Americans who want to cheer for their team. It’s a total invasion of the victory celebration.
I’ve already made the calls. I spoke to the top people at ICE. We are going to have agents.....the very best agents, very tough, very smart stationed every ten feet along that parade route. If these illegals think they can just walk out into the sunlight and celebrate an American championship, they’re wrong. They’re going to be detained. We’re going to have buses waiting. Big buses. It’s going to be a beautiful thing to watch. We’re cleaning up the parade, we’re making San Antonio safe again. If you’re illegal, don't show up. Stay in the shadows, because we’re coming for you."
"I would preview the prospects but I have a golf game in a few."
"Commissioner David BigDaddy wants to do the envelopes. It’s very slow, very old-fashioned. It’s rigged, probably. So, I’ve decided to use my Twitter. It’s a brand new technology I’ve been working on from the future. It’s going to be huge to tweet the results to your TV.
I’m going to bypass the failing sports writers and tell the American people the truth. I’ll tweet the winner, and then I’ll probably tweet about how the player they pick is probably going to be a total bust because the system is broken. It’s going to be a very big night for my followers. Let’s see which of these failing cities gets a lucky break they don't deserve."
Here's the order pre lottery. Total losers.
1. Clippers
2. Kings
3. Bulls
4. Knicks
5. Supersonics
6. Nuggets
7. Lakers
8. Pacers
9. Lakers via Bullets
10. Cavs
11. Suns
