1985-1986 Philadelphia 76ers Press Conference
It was a crisp autumn morning when digiskunk, general manager of the Philadelphia 76ers, woke up in his queen-sized bed. After a hard night of pounding beers, his head, along with his snake-like dick, were throbbing; his body ached. Sitting upright, he let out a loud yawn as he outstretched his arms. Looking around the room, the clock immediately caught his eye. In an instant, his heart sank: It was 12pm and he had a press conference at the local pub in an hour. In a state of panic, he fell out of bed and ran to the bathroom to prepare for the conference. He threw on the best, cleanest clothes he owned—a Hollister t-shirt and black gym shorts—before running to the local bus stop.
After boarding the bus, it became quickly apparent that he was going to be late—or was he? Realizing that the driver was taking his time, he stood up and rushed to the front of the bus. Grabbing the driver by the neck, he snapped it like a twig, rendering him thoroughly useless. Throwing the driver's body aside, digiskunk pulled out a gun and threatened the passengers before taking command of the bus, and began speeding to the bar. He drove as quickly as he could and, miraculously, arrived 5 minutes before the press conference was scheduled to begin.
Although he was sweating profusely and was entirely unprepared for the event, he wasn't going to let a charge of attempted murder get in his way. As he walked into the bar, he was greeted by a mob of fans, each of them eager to ask for autographs. Pushing and punching them aside, digiskunk rushed to the karaoke stage where the podium was situated. Assuming his position behind it, he wiped the sweat off of his forehead and took a deep breath before speaking into the microphone.
digiskunk: Well hello, everybody... It's that time of the year again—but this time, I'm actually eager to discuss the upcoming season. In a magical turn of events, I was able to turn one of the worst teams in the league into a legitimate contender overnight. Of course, this was all by design: I knew it was going to happen—at least eventually. This is why I'm considered one of the best general managers in the league; I know how to get the best out of my players. Now, let's discuss the many things that've happened since the end of the season.
Well, to start, we had a rough season last year. We struggled immensely and somehow, some way, managed to finish close to last in the standings. Although it was unplanned, it put is in a good position for the upcoming draft. And in a stroke of luck, we actually won it. So with the first overall pick, we selected Chris Mullin, the top prospect in the league. We have high hopes for him given his reputation, and feel that he's bound to be a future superstar.
During free agency, we secured some talent to support our main squad, which was very much needed. We brought back Pat Cummings, a reliable forward. We've been desperate for big men for a long time now and were fortunate enough to acquire somebody who has an eye for the ball and the ability to defend the post + rebound.
Everything changed after training camp, however. Jay Humphries put in more work than anybody else on the roster. In fact, his potential exploded. Now, he's not only a key star on the team, but also a future superstar. Can you believe it? All of this was planned by me, by the way—I definitely wrote this script up, because I'm simply that good of a general manager.
I will now be accepting questions from the media.
