Moses Malone: the mvPurp?

[greepleairport]

For those of you smart enough to stay off of the Facebook chat, allow me to recount my 24 hour saga with my #3 pick of the draft, the potential mvPurp Moses Malone.

Following many seasons of PBSL malaise for many GMs who traveled back in time to 1980, a miraculous creation draft lottery went down, placing my Golden State Warriors toward the very top, with a possibility to grab the purple/purple unicorn big man, Moses Malone. In five plus already simmed seasons of Moses’s career, he had played a brand of basketball never seen before and likely never to be seen again.

A fact of sim league past present and future, no player would have any current attribute rating over 100. As I selected Moses (still can’t believe he dropped to third pick because he was the player I wanted (after Magic of course)), I marveled at a player I’d never seen before, averaging over 15 rebounds per game, over 7 of which were offensive. Scoring 25ppg and also holding a 100 JMP (a rarity for ANY player in 2060 PBSL, let alone a big man), I was fully quarter-chubbed. And he was all mine.

After drafting a blue/blue, green/blue, and a couple yellow/greens to pair with Moses, I stopped and felt I’d put together a solid squad of players (preseason results said otherwise). Paying attention was far behind me, and when I saw I had my third PG, a y/y, I said do your work, commish, and sim me to the end.

I was excited to see that the draft was over, everyone I’d never heard of was as equal a bum as the others, and Moses Malone was still there in all his pur-

Wait, huh

BLUE/purple? Are you Fryeing kidding me? Is this some kind of sick joke?

“I thought he always was b/p”

“His currents were probably dropped”

What do you mean his currents were dropped, I thought. I saw his currents. There was nothing over 100. I’m not a complete Fryeing idiot, just a little bit of an idiot, sometimes. But I knew what I had seen and knew was certain that the other updates I had seen had a p/p Moses and 100s in many categories. How could that have changed? In fact, it hadn’t changed!

“The index doesn’t show anything over 100”

“That’s a wig question”

Wig is Fryeing busy, okay? Dude is working on a decade’s worth of updates to our dilapidated and uninspired PBSL, and how could I possibly Fryeing bother him about the display that apparently had a Fryeing if/else statement where any value over 100 defaults to 100? As a pre-covid GM, I’d never seen the index post a 100+ rating, but I’d also never seen any commish allow a 100+ rating to make it to the index. As far as I was concerned, 100+ ratings only existed in the Fast Break Basketball 3 software on the potential side, because anything posted to the index over 100 was systematically knocked back by every last thorough commish from 2027 onward.

Confused, I lifted it up to the Facebook chat. I was mocked, belittled, chastised, and my manhood became so small. So small, in fact, that if I were to take a picture of it and send it to anyone, they would have asked me to try again because I must have photoshopped it out, and that was NOT going to be okay. They needed to see the p/p.

What am I even writing anymore.

Look, my amusement in writing about the dropping of Moses from p/p to b/p ended immediately following my p/p joke, so let’s get this over with already.

The moral of the story is the index will NEVER show a current over 100. Why? I have no clue, and I don’t even Fryeing care. It’s just one of those things in life that just is, and it’s never going to change, and it’s always going to be the same. Moses’s stats from previous seasons were probably higher than they’ll ever be again, because his ORB current was somewhere in the 130s, and his INS scoring was over 100, but less than 120. I think he’ll still be a boss scorer, but if it’s a point or two fewer per game, it’s not the end of the world.

None of this stopped me from acting like it was the end of the world, though, because it was the right thing to do. I got answers. I offended no one - I just annoyed everyone.

But I got the information I needed to set appropriate expectations for the inaugural season of the NPBSL. Do you have any lingering questions? Are you too afraid to ask? Well, be certain that if they’re questions with inconsequential answers you better shut your Fryeing mouth, because the commish, shadown commish and Wig are busting nuts on asses right now spinning up a sim league world that is damn near perfect for all of us GMs.

If it is consequential, though? You have many a reasonable head at the helm. They will listen. They will help. They will reason with you, even if you are upset. No questions are too dumb, and nothing you want to maximize your sim league enjoyment is overlooked. It’s a new world order at the organizational top, and it’s one that has my full support in the past, present and future.

Even though I know now there will still never be such a thing as a big man unicorn mvPurp. Not even my b/p Moses Malone.

[JNR]

For the record, I didn’t mock you. It is tough to figure that out for the first team. Luckily I’ve never had a player good enough to have currents over 100.

[greepleairport]

For the record, I didn’t mock you. It is tough to figure that out for the first team. Luckily I’ve never had a player good enough to have currents over 100.

Oh, the mocking and belittling jab was not directed your way. Nor any which way, really. Jokes made at my expense were mere fodder for... probably .33 points toward my article. No real offense taken.

[IamQuailman]

League Leader in Points & Rebounding, #6 in blocks. Just wanted to drop that in here. I think you'll be fine with an MV(b/)P

[AngryBanana]

928 words and 3 points to help turn the fake purple real purple.