Chicago Bulls Preseason Press Conference: S72 Edition

[garbageman]

Hello and welcome to the Chicago Bulls Preseason Press Conference, the place where I write words that either imply that there's an actual press conference going on, you know, with podiums and shit...or it's just written like it's a press release because I don't have the energy to describe podiums. They're like these wooden boxes that speakers stand in front of. Usually, the side the audience can't see has a slanted surface where the speaker can put an outline or a bunch of notecards. There's probably a gooseneck microphone, especially since the event is presumably being filmed. Maybe not. Maybe this is just an oral history, passed down only through the stories of our ancestors, gaining a new twist with each retelling from generation to generation.

So, as legend has it, there's a podium, and maybe it gets assumed that this is all taking place at the United Center, but that would be a curious place for a press conference because unless there's a game scheduled, the Bulls probably don't hang out there. It's not like they all live there in box suites. Nah, the UC has other things going on. In reality, it probably takes place at a practice facility or some kind of corporate headquarters rather than wasting time at a stadium.

And maybe it'd make sense if there were twenty or so members of the press huddled in chairs set up to face this area where a man in a suit stands behind a relatively elegant podium made from cherrywood. Or it would make more sense if the twenty or so members of the press were all of the other PBSL GMs using pseudonyms and wearing thin disguises like thick-framed lensless glasses, tape on mustaches, and/or ill-fitting wigs.

Back to the man at the podium. This would traditionally be the owner or the General Manager. There are probably a lot of team personnel here. Maybe there's some sort of set up next to the podium: a panel behind a long, shallow folding table that's been spruced up with a thick tablecloth hanging over in team colors with the Bulls logo on it or the PBSL logo, whatever that happens to look like. Let's just go with the Bulls logo in case the PBSL logo is simply that cartoon Gary drew of two men shaking hands and shaking penises as if they were hands. Things like that happen. The league has a lot to do and not a deep administrative staff to do it, so that could well be an accurate depiction of the official logo that somehow snuck through and got approved in the same way that nobody Googles lotto pick renames so all sorts of names that would be vetoed by the letter of the law start sneaking in and playing basketball.

Let's just say, though, that on this particular day at that particular time, it was the General Manager at the podium. Other people probably spoke at the podium, too, and they probably each answered questions from the small crowd of GMs posing as sportswriters and such, but logistically, how would that even work. All of these take place over the same weekend, usually in multiple cities across the United States, and that would be a lot of travel for a GM to hit every press conference, dressed in costume at all but his own teams'. Even if we pretend that the sportswriters are legitimate individuals and not GMs cosplaying as media to earn the full 5 points for doing whatever this is, that's a lot of ground for the sportswriters to cover.

Let's scratch the idea, then, that this is even in some practice facility or other team office. It has to be in some kind of league headquarters where all the managers and owners gather at once. We can keep the tablecloth with the Bulls logo on it because that can be explained...they just have 26 tablecloths that they change out depending on who the speaker is. Better yet, there's one tablecloth, and it's no longer red, it's black, and each team simply has a table runner that they change out over the cloth. This is what's red. This is what has the Bulls log on it.

I feel as if perhaps I'm getting too fixated on these details though. I'm burying the lede. The real story here is that the Bulls general manager is here to talk about the things that happened on his team during the offseason and preview the upcoming season. He uses his time on the podium to convey excitement at new additions to the team while also commending the growth and characteristics of players who were on the team last season. He welcomes back some of the players who wore Bulls uniforms earlier their careers and have returned to fulfill veteran leadership roles, which the GM stresses are roles of the utmost importance even if those roles are more suited for the locker room than the hardwood.

The General Manager highlights the positive things he saw in preseason and outlines a vision of the season to come, complete with expectations and an analysis of the league, and his outlook is very optimistic.

"It's a tough league with a lot of competition," he says. "But we think we have as good a chance as anyone else out there to stop the Pistons from winning it all again for the 4th time in a row."

The press cheers, all but one man who suspiciously looks like Paul Giamatti is method acting for some film he's going to do where he portrays a sportswriter who gets into some undoubtedly preposterous situations. Scratch that. It IS Paul Giamatti, and either he's time traveled to the future, or he uses sick Hollywood cabal shit to look 30 years younger. Real dark, twisted stuff like using the blood, urine, and other such genetic material (some surgically obtained) of illegally trafficked children to maintain the appearance of a much younger man than his nearly 100 years on this earth would suggest.

Anyway, this charade has gone on long enough. With 25 other teams to get through, the Bulls GM ends his presentation and opens up the floor to questions.

[Black Superman]

Desert here,

You made a huge splash at the eleventh hour. The consensus around the league is that Sion is the first or at worst, second best player in the league. How excited are you to have that type of guy in Chicago again?

[garbageman]

Desert here,

You made a huge splash at the eleventh hour. The consensus around the league is that Sion is the first or at worst, second best player in the league. How excited are you to have that type of guy in Chicago again?

Thanks for the question. To be honest, I think "again" might not be correct as Chicago probably has never had a player of Sion's caliber on the team. We've had some great players...notably, Mac McClung, who's probably the best PBSL player never to be considered purple rated, but McClung is the type of player who elevates a team, not necessarily one who can take any game over by himself if need be. The Bulls traditionally don't have guys that sit atop the scoring leaderboard. It's always been more of a balanced, committee approach to offense.

But to answer your question, we are incredibly excited to have him. We gave up as much as we did to get him because we believe that he's the only player out there who would take us from a team in transition to a team that could make a deep run and put another obstacle in the road of another Pistons 4-peat. If we couldn't make that trade happen, we probably would be looking in a completely different direction this season.

[MexicanMamba]

Since you've never had a player of Sion's caliber in Chicago, how does Delmar Lopez feel about the disrespect of this statement from a place he almost single handedly brought a championship to????

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[garbageman]

Since you've never had a player of Sion's caliber in Chicago, how does Delmar Lopez feel about the disrespect of this statement from a place he almost single handedly brought a championship to????

Sent from my SM-F711U using Tapatalk

Damn, I guess when you jam 50 sim years into 8 or so real years, your memory goes down the toilet. Apologies to Delmar, of course. That was a great championship.

[MexicanMamba]

Since you've never had a player of Sion's caliber in Chicago, how does Delmar Lopez feel about the disrespect of this statement from a place he almost single handedly brought a championship to????

Sent from my SM-F711U using Tapatalk

Damn, I guess when you jam 50 sim years into 8 or so real years, your memory goes down the toilet. Apologies to Delmar, of course. That was a great championship.

On the last part, agree to disagree.

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[K-100]

What motivated you more in making a move this offseason - the chance to dethrone Detroit or the state of the Omega Conference?

[greepleairport]

Do you think you have a lock on your division? What about the conference? What kind of wood is the podium made of?

[garbageman]

What motivated you more in making a move this offseason - the chance to dethrone Detroit or the state of the Omega Conference?

I guess the former if I have to choose between the two. I'm more motivated by the chance to win an actual championship than the chance to win a conference championship. But what really convinced me to make a move this offseason was that a player of Sion's caliber was on the block, I made some significant signings in UFA to be a decent enough team under the apron, and I had the pieces available to make a strong offer in a market where most of the league is afraid to give up anything valuable to trade for win now players once they grow a single grey pube.

[garbageman]

Do you think you have a lock on your division? What about the conference? What kind of wood is the podium made of?

No, despite everyone else in my division looking mediocre in preseason, it's only preseason. Gloating about those results would be like the weakest comeback in rap battle history. The Mavs and Grizzlies definitely aren't sub-.500 teams, and the Timberwolves certainly do not have the worst roster in the league.

As for the last question, it looks like your attention span for podium descriptions is no more than two
hearty paragraphs. Otherwise, you'd know it's cherrywood.

[Eazy P]

You've made some big moves this off season with the biggest being Sion. Are you done or will there be more moves made in your quest to dethrone the pistons?

[garbageman]

You've made some big moves this off season with the biggest being Sion. Are you done or will there be more moves made in your quest to dethrone the pistons?

We're probably done for the offseason. By this point most teams have made their moves if there were moves worth making. Once day 60 hits, that'll open up a lot more opportunity to shore up more depth based on which offseason signings did or didn't work out for other teams and which teams got off to hotter or colder starts than expected.

But our line is always open if anybody does have trade offers before then.

[RPF]

The Net of Brooklyn: Is Sion considered "The Rock" of the Chicago Bulls?

[garbageman]

The Net of Brooklyn: Is Sion considered "The Rock" of the Chicago Bulls?

In the sense that if this were a press conference about geology, then yes.