UTAH JAZZ PRESS CONFERENCE: S67
Weiner in hand, digiskunk sighed with relief as the urine exited his sausage and splashed into the toilet below. He couldn't believe he slept in so late; it was so unusual for him, as he usually rose early to water his plants before heading to practice. But today was a special day: It was press conference day. And since he wanted to be at his best, he chose to sleep in, disregarding standard procedure.
As his squirt came to an end, digiskunk stared into the mirror. "What a handsome fellow," he mumbled to himself as he brushed his hair. Opting out of the typical "professional" attire that came with most managerial positions, digiskunk instead sported a hoodie with basketball shorts—almost as if he was ready to hit the court himself. And who could blame him? He had beautiful legs; surely the ladies would come to games for that.
After a nice little stretch, digiskunk stepped out of his house and entered his 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse, ready to meet the journalists at the press conference. This year, it was being held outside GameStop, and was funded by the American Red Cross—an organization that the team relied on, as they constantly spilled blood on the court to win games (last season we won 2).
Upon arrival, he pushed his way through the crowd to reach the main stage. Taking one last drag of his USA Gold (Reds, smalls) cigarette, he extinguished it on the mantel and spat a gigantic fvcking loogie onto the face of some child in the front row. Surely that little shit did something to deserve it.
digiskunk: Welcome, everybody, to this season's press conference. We have a lot to go over as last season was quite chaotic: our team had a lot of ups (2 wins) and downs (80 losses); however we always held onto hope—we still clung to the dream of winning the PBSL Finals. Unfortunately, this was not the year. However, I'm sure the fans had a lot of fun now that we've installed a strip club in the stadium.
As most of you already know, last season we drafted Scottie "Snotty" Sanders and had high hopes for him—and boy did he shine. We weren't sure what to expect upon drafting him but he's really grown into his own. His development has been amazing thus far; he worked really hard on his shooting and defense and it really showed with his performances on the court. Booger Smith, on the other hand, failed to rise to expectation. We expected him to grow into a star; instead he grew into an average player. Of course, he's still very young and therefore needs time to develop. Unfortunately for him, the Utah Jazz don't have the patience to baby a snot-nosed brat. Alternatively, we like him, so we keep him around. He's a nice guy regardless of his insanity.
We won 2 games last season, which is a pretty huge accomplishment when you think about it. An entire season is 82 games, meaning we won 2, lost 80. That's friggin' wild. Seriously, take a moment and think about that. Just let it set in. That's crazy dudes. The league really needs to consider creating a "Loser of the Year" award.
Anyways, I'm sure many of you are curious what we did during the draft and why. You know what we did? Jack shit! Despite being prime candidates for the 1st overall pick, we were put in a crummy position and traded down & around funky town. None of the players interested us; moreover I missed my selection due to a breakdown over an attempt to order escorts over Snapchat—a venture that I am not, and never will be, proud of. But I did what I did.
Right before free agency, we paid our debts. This is probably the highlight of this press conference because it means that we're allowed to spend money again. I took this opportunity to send in large bids to several stars, but none of them consented to my terms. (You'd be surprised how far $100 can get you.) In the end, we didn't pick up any players and, as a result, have failed to improve the team.
Anyways, I'm now open to questions!
