But I do too. I started writing this at least 4 sims ago and just finished, so I definitely suck.
Right. Anyway...
This is the first in a new series that will be coming to a PBSL forum near you. I want to make sure you know how much your team (and you, quite frankly) sucks…but I have not always done a great job at communicating this. I’ve made a few older GMs consider quitting (one did, not because of me though, we’re cool now), and while I do want to start isht and make you feel generally awful, I want you to hate yourself and your team, but have a great time while doing it.
So, without further ado, here’s how this works:
Golden State Warriors
GM: greepleairport
This team and this GM are pure ass. Like, first of all, this team was resurrected for 3 points not that long ago because greeple couldn’t get a ring in Los Angeles. What is that?? Garbage (not man, get to that later), pure garbage.
Riding behind relative youngster Fabian Hub, whom greeple thinks he’s married to, this team has experienced a moderate amount of success this season despite sucking so bad that greeple almost ran Morelock out of town. They have no chance of winning it all, and if they get anywhere close, I will laugh the hardest when they fall before the finals. These Warriors can’t make the finals - are you kidding me?!
See how this works? Well, okay, I see how that could be interpreted as a reverse curse. But we’ll fix that by reiterating that, despite the article’s title (and the previous hundred or so words), I WILL actually be winning a title this year, and you all suck too much to do anything about it.
Who’s next… well, we brought him up already, so let’s rub ourselves around in some garbage, man!
Chicago Bulls
GM: garbageman
I can’t remember any team with so much blue on it losing so many games. They’ve found a strange midseason resurgence, granted, but no magic wand has been waved to un-suck this team. They definitely still suck. Frank can’t stop Peay-ing, Djamgouz is just Okay, and Svi still isn’t sure how to pronounce his own name. What’s more, is their best player Dosunmu, can’t stop shouting into the abyss, “Ay-yo!!!!” for someone to properly run offense for him so he can bring his scoring average above 16ppg.
I do not know how garbageman can sleep at night having put together such a poor, on paper good, team. Even with a playoff berth, he loses out on the draft. Lame, everywhere you look in Chicago, lame!!!
Now, with examples established, we can just sim thru the rest of the league.
Brooklyn Nets
GM: RPF
Want a team that sucks? I hand you the 2nd best team in the league, the Brooklyn Nets, who suck so bad that they eked out of third place in the league this past sim. Alfredo Menendez is an absolute embarrassment at Center, the good Dr. James Andrews was an absolutely absurd overpay when he was an RFA, Ron Harper Jr. is too tall for his own good, Saddiq Bey is slower than Safi, Alex Caruso never averaged more than 23ppg in his entire career as an ‘elite scorer,’ and last, and most certainly least, Jose Alvarado was absolutely nobody in real life until New Orleans brought him off the bench like he was GP2 or something. I mean, get a load of this awful, awful team!
The worst part? You new GMs know what RPF stands for, right? Well, if you haven’t scoped out the Nets index page, I’ll tell you: it’s RealPelicansFan. You’ve GOT to be kidding me. What a fraud.
Next!
Boston Celtics
GM: AngryBanana
Boy, would I be angry if this sorry collection of bums was my team! I wouldn’t be a banana though. I’m not yellow.
Antonio Blakeney is the worst league-best player I’ve ever seen. Gimme literally any other sim-league God-tier player over this bum. Hell, I’ll even take Bronny James. I don’t think I can insult a league MVP more than that.
The rest of team sucks so bad that they’re not even worth mentioning. I mean, Mikal Bridges used to be good…until he quit on AB in the offseason. What a head case! Same goes for Chief Kickmybuttsims and
Lol
There’s actually a Throckmorton brother on this team
Lol, oh dear. Anyway, you suck. Next!
Sacramento Kings
GM: Superdog
Superdog? More like super daddies his pants every season. Let me ask you this: who else enjoyed watching the generational talent Killian Hayes waste away in Sacramento? Now the Ghost of Killian Hayes continues to rot in the sweltering summer heat of Sac, a heat much different from that of N Fond Du Lac, WI. (God, even Hayes's hometown sucks.) Even though we have the worst version of Killian Hayes since he super daddied his way out of his mom’s vagina, Super Daddy fixed the rest of the team just in time to play taps for dead grandpa Hayes. What a shame.
By the way, you suck. Next!
Minnesota Timberwolves
GM: The JNR
Boy do I hate to highlight the risen ghost of JNR’s most sucky qualities. But alas! He sucks and so do I. Not as much as the German though - that bum has to go and JNR knows it. I expect he’ll be gone by this time tomorrow for not getting his act together. Idiot.
You know what though? Xue Huo isn’t anything special, either. Not. At. All. Who does he think he is, anyway? Safi, but athletic? Yeah right. Xue Huo might beat Safi one-on-one, but he can’t carry a team full of bums like Safi can. Not yet anyway. Now he just sucks, like the German, and like JNR.
Next!
New Orleans Pelicans
GM: Mr A Tua
Another spawn of Mamba, this guy has been a Mamba-feeding loyalist since day 1. Even with an all star like Ned Lomax they can’t seem to rise above 4th place in the worst division in the history of sim league. Pathetic!
And what’s going down in the Big Easy besides Ned (and every GM of the league)? A bunch of funny names. That’s it. Steeve Ho You Fat can’t play basketball (is only insulting, really), and Zed Key can’t decide whether he’s a letter or an unlocking mechanism. I’d be so ashamed of having assembled this squad of nontalent going nowhere, but then again, I’m not Mr A Tua (even though I do still suck).
Next!
San Antonio Spurs
GM: EazyP
Maybe if I didn’t have any prostate issues I would P EaZy like EazyP. I mean, I can’t imagine what else EazyP could be up to this season, because he sure as hell can’t be managing this team. We’re talking a multi-ring GM throwing in the towel for years and years now in the name of recreating his 12 years a Spur candidates, Brandon Stinkram and Pee Pee Kirkland. At least he stays on P brand…
Look, this guy’s best player is 7’1” point guard Walker Haskell and I don’t care how hard you try - you cannot convince me otherwise. This team might as well be the San Antonio Jazz. And speaking of the Jazz…
Next!
Utah Jazz
GM: digiskunk
Not even mormonism or Joseph Smith himself can save this awful bunch of crap. Not even if Smith sprayed his magical seed all over the Jazz could they ever have a prayer of not sucking. Digiskunk has sucked this team dry.
But you never know. Maybe the Jazz really do have a future with Rick “Broken Leg” Legley and Mark Baran. Lol.
Next!
Los Angeles Lakers
GM: MexicanMamba
Look, the commish is busy. Too busy to run a good team. This team sucks, and so does Mamba. They’re made for each other.
The S63 Los Angeles Lakers suck so bad that they wish they were the 2040 Lakers that couldn’t even make it through the playoffs to the finals. Charles Alleman is having an existential crisis as we speak, wondering whether he should help or kill Thomas Walker. Meanwhile, you got Evan Mobley bartering with Bam Adebayo for drugs in exchange for playing time, and Karlo Pearson wonders why no one gives a shit about him, defending the best players in the league for years. No, all the glory goes to that butthole Safi, that <expletive deleted> who shook his booty on stage at a strip club one New Year’s Eve because he was “feeling good.” And who can fault Paolo Banchero for wondering what’s going on? He’s only the best TRUE rookie the league has seen in decades and his team - the team that he carried on his rookie back - got swept in the Finals. And what has changed? Nothing. They’ve only gotten better. And does any of it matter? No. Why?
I think the answer is obvious. This team sucks more than any other team in the history of PBSL.
That’s why.
Next!
Indiana Pacers
GM: Pauly P
He Hor’s contract sucks. I mean, I’m not sure it’s as bad as Killian Hayes’s was, because I’m certain Pauly will decline the team option, but holy wow does it suck to have a g/g PG earning more than $80m the next two seasons. Each. I mean, this has to be worse than the Daniel Gamez max contract, right? Are there levels to how much these big contracts for tiny guys suck? Hard to know these things, right? Might as well max y/y Lu Dort next offseason to be sure… but surely Pauly could do much worse. I mean, he could keep forgetting to decline Wilber Rambo’s filthy contract for another season. It would definitely suck if he did that.
But you know who really sucks? Carmelo Williams. Even more than Patrick Williams. Or so I’ve heard.
Next!
Milwaukee Sucks
GM: TuaMane
Am I supposed to believe that TuaMane and Mr A Tua are actually two, uhh, different people, who both equally suck? I guess we’ll roll with it like Mamba’s rolling in points thanks to his loyalist extended family.
But these Milwaukee Fryes really suck. That embarrassment of a center Victor Walabamba can’t dribble, pass, or JMP. That wouldn’t suck so bad if Kel’el Ware also couldn’t JMP, pass or shoot jumpers. And it would suck even less if Vrenz Barfelburger could rebound, block shots, shoot jumpers or lay-ups, and/or JMP. But he can’t do any of those things, and that’s why TuaMane has the worst front court in PBSL today.
I feel bad for Moses Moody…but not Kory Manley. Or TuaMane. TuaMane should probably save Moses Moody from this explosive lack of talented players and send him to Pauly’s Pacers for Tua(n) Capuano and keep things in the family.
Next!
I think i’d rather be naked outside in that than tell this next guy how much he sucks, but here goes…
Phoenix Suns
GM: Who Cares
This numb nuts actually thinks there’s value in Antonio Gates! HA! I mean… HA! HA! HA! If there was ANY value in that LOSER he would’ve traped another GM by now…except he’s such a bad GM that he can’t even trade the best prospect (that sucks) in the league! Get a load of this clown!!!
The rest of the team could be tossed in a dumpster fire as well. David Lomas is their only PG option (HA!), Leroy Johnston can’t spell Johnson right, Luke Hancock out here masquerading as a prospect and they’re all just standing there circled together underneath a towering giant Anas.
I can’t believe BlackSupernobody thinks he’s managing a basketball team when he’s actually manage-handling deez nuts.
Next!
Portland Trailblazers
GM: AJ Blaze(d on GroveStreet)
Any other GM in this league could have taken 18-time finals MVP Gerry Folse, league’s top PG Darius Garland, and rare big trade with the Ghost of EazyP (whom I hope stopped peeing easily when he signed off on the trade), to acquire star wing Larry Williams, and sit at least a game above .500. Any single one of us. How much do you have to suck to make so many league-changing trades and still sit a game below .500?! Gerry Folse is going to change his name to Jerry False, Darius Garland will change his name to Temetrius Morant, and Larry Williams will rename his child Vrenz Bleijenbergh just so they can distance themselves and their good names from this catastrophe of a team.
You know what to do, AJ. Blaze it all down and suck in those shooter’s ashes. At least you’ll get higher than Darrell Hackney’s JMP.
Next!
Dallas Mavericks
GM: LazyTitanSmash
If I could go back in time, I would have shadow-managed LTS's Mavs in sim league. That's how much he sucks. And this season he sucks more than ever. How embarrassing (for me).
It does seem, however, as the season progressed, that LTS concluded that he does, in fact, suck. So, he made some terrible moves that probably won’t benefit his future, but will improve the future of his real life brother, cashcab, who has put in less than half of LTS’s effort with 4x the results. How embarrassing (for him).
At least he still has Scoot and Kuminga. (Who really needed Jeffrey Holt anyway?) Perhaps they are the start of a brighter future that still will not be as good as this year’s Hawks.
Next!
Atlanta Hawks
GM: cashcab
Speaking of cashcab, this guy definitely sucks. The best thing he ever did for this team was absolutely anything. There was no way he possibly could have made this team worse, and somehow, he didn’t fail. So we have Diallo, Smith and Lucas, all basically the same guy, and Justin Amos, whose name nearly rhymes with…a planet.
I doubt we will see anything change here. This build will get better and worse until they all get old and die. Until cashcab decides to make any real trades, this team will go through a modicum of success before they get right back to A-T-suck.
Next!
Orlando Magic
GM: NickMalone77
It’s hard to say this guy and this team sucks. He just got back, and he might actually surpass the surging Hawks before the end of the season. With the league’s worst Center, Harold Schiff and Peyton Siva at starting PG, there’s little this team can do to not suck. So, good luck Nick. You’re going to need it.
But for sure you suck. Next!
Miami Heat
GM: MikeLowry
I gotta hand it to Mike. He’s done a lot of things since taking over the hot suck that is Miami Heat. And none of it has worked lol. When I traded Emoni Bates to Miami many seasons ago, along with Luigi Leathers, I thought I was helping, but the Heat definitely sucked more afterward. So he went and got himself Kai Jones which was an awesome move, in my opinion, and nothing improved.
Emoni Bates improved…but he still sucks. And his first name autocorrects to Emoji, which sucks.
God I wish I had words for Miami to help them through this time of suck, after going all in and grabbing Richie Cuevas following Gerald Dixson’s injury. But unfortunately the future is bleak in Miami and I don’t need to rub it in. In fact, I’ll help you suck less if I can (doubt it).
Next!
Toronto Raptors
GM: PennPanther
Look, I ravaged this team with a UFA signing 2 years ago. I don’t think I can rough this guy up. In fact, I commend PennPanther for putting together the team that he has in the wake of the Mobley/Ridenhour era. I love what he’s doing with Looney and Liddell.
But everything else sucks. There isn’t a clear build to support this future (and not bad now, honestly) front court, but if Penn can flip some of these other pieces that don’t support these two guys? They’ll still suck, but less.
Next!
Cleveland Cavaliers
GM: jlmarines
Too easy.
Next!
(seriously though, I miss your memes dude, where you been?!)
Denver Nuggets
GM: Panda
For the love of god why does he have to be so likable?! He’s loveable actually. So loveable i absolutely Fryeing hate it. And him (not really).
Like, we had a battle for the ages last sim, and we’re about to do battle again…and it sucks! I really think the ONLY reason i have a chance at beating Panda to 1st place is because he didn’t move on a big man this season. In fact, I implored LazyTitan to ship Canfield to Denver to help Panda because the rest of this team is…good…
Oof, that was hard to say out loud. At this point in the article. But I thought Denver had a chance against the juggernaut Lakers with a solid enough big man… alas.
Anyway, Panda, I love you, but you suck. Next!
Washington Wizards
GM: Xist
Xist, your team sucks and they’re still good. You defy conventions and it sucks.
Sure this season didn’t turn out as well as previous seasons, but some seasons, with a team that sucks, you have to suck a little bit. And that’s okay! You’re still a playoff team, still a problem for other teams more than half the time, and with Chris Dunkle as your primary offensive weapon?
Dude. I don’t know how you do it. I’m in awe, and also jealous you can pull these teams together in the modern PBSL era and win.
So for that, you suck. Next!
…
Boy I’m really running out of steam here. Maybe I don’t have a recurring article on my hands. It’s not even funny anymore. I started writing this garbage so many sims ago and it shows. Some of you probably wonder what the hell I’m talking about now, and looking back, I couldn’t tell you, either. It doesn’t make any sense.
I set out to have fun…
But in the end, I don’t know what the point of it all was. Have some laughs? Make fun of people without feeling bad about it?
All because of a bunch of basketball players that don’t even exist?
But I’ll try to finish.
Detroit Pistons
GM: Doug
Doug sucks. We all know it. He’s slimy and… just… full of slime. Next
Memphis Grizzlies
GM: K100
You won again. And can’t play the game anymore, for a while, yaaay… Next
Charlotte Bobcats
GM: dr kavarga
No one gets you.
I just…
Anyone left? The Rockets? I... I hope the Rockets win it all. Sincerely. They deserve it.
