This is dumb as hell.
So, let’s start with my team, the Golden State Warriors, the worst team with a playoff spot, only 4 games away from last place. Our two best players, Douglas Haun and Markus Ridenhour, have played 6 and 8 games respectively this season out of 36 total games. Only 1 of those games did these two All Stars play together for a total of up to 19 minutes shared on the floor (probably less). So, of course we won that game, and of course we won 4 more with Ridenhour still running our offense, starting 5-3. Haun did not return until 12/16 however, after sim 3, when management cut ties with Ronny Asher and slid Haun over to point guard, where he actually won us 2 games before concussing himself for 3 ½ months to protest the madness that was basketball in December 2051 in the Bay Area. Can’t say I really blame him either. All that’s left is a sophomore Hub to carry a team of journeymen to absolutely nowhere, because it doesn’t make sense to even try.
All of this to say that, as of today, this is a playoff team. End the season, and this team is in the playoffs. Playing the Chicago Bulls! The 28-11 Bulls could rest their starting 5 all series long and still beat these Warriors, not to mention any other team below the Warriors in the standings, who we will get to next.
How about the #8 Rockets? How would they do in the playoffs?
No one cares, really. They have no one at the helm and a few solid vets and a really good rookie that could very well propel them ahead of the rest of this pack of scrubby teams that don’t know their head from their anus. But, they still suck and have a future so bleak that any active GM looks at this team and Sion James and could just freaking sob.
Okay, so how about the Pistons? What does their trajectory look like?
No matter what he has said to you in trade talks, Doug can actually differentiate between his head and anus. Whether or not he has chosen to do so is another question entirely.
Especially with Mason “The Line” Dixon gone, the Pistons are a guaranteed lock to miss the 7th seed, and this is exactly where Quailman wants his team to be. They lay in wait to take the league by storm with trades for all the assets they are working to acquire now for world beaters like Saddiq Bey and Antonio Blakeney presumably (they already got McClung!). So, let’s let Quail do his thing and wank to the sounds of himself sliming all over his keyboard.
Slander aside, especially for the newer GMs, watch this team go from Zeros to Heros in one season. It’s pretty impressive when it happens. And you think your inboxes are lit up now? Just you wait. Quailman’s Pistons will be contenders.
So nothing else to be said about the Pistons. They’re out of the hunt for 7. …And the #10 seed Atlanta Hawks?
I’m so excited for the city of Atlanta. Their fans finally get to see something that doesn’t totally suck. It’s been decades, literal decades since this happened. Once one of the winningest franchises in PBSL, the Atlanta Hawks slid their way into the shadows of complete uselessness. Now, under brand new leadership, Cashcab has made moves to make this team better than embarrassing, but after decades of mismanagement there is still a long way to go. Ibrahima Diallo has played so well that, of the teams currently in front of the Hawks for the playoffs, only the Rockets have a chance of beating them. The Warriors and Pistons are in full tank mode, but Hintz and Shuo might have just enough to best Diallo and Amos (not to be confused with the Spurs’ Anas). If Diallo and Amos stay healthy, stranger things have happened than a team like these Hawks sliding into the playoffs, but I would not bet money on it.
That’s cool that the Hawks are not a complete disaster anymore. The Raptors have to be feeling salty though. What’s going on in Toronto? Why aren’t they better?
That’s a great question. Even without Markus Ridenhour, the Raptors have Evan Mobley, the highest caliber played in this entire group of teams. If anyone can change a franchise’s chances, it’s Mobley. So why isn’t the magic happening in Toronto? They have one other contributor on offense, Jerald Honeycutt, and on the teams in contention, Honeycutt would be a solid 6th man contributor at best. Looney is awesome defensively but needs some points dumped into his INS to have any impact on offense. With the way things have gone in Toronto, it would be wise to move Mobley, Honeycutt and Beaton for as much return as possible and reset this team with a solid defensive presence in the paint in the form of Kevon Looney. I’d say just trade Looney, but he can’t move anywhere yet as an RFA signing, so this team is stuck in the mud, likely to keep falling with or without making any trades. Too bad.
Now we’re at the bottom of the barrel. Somehow these teams are within spitting distance of the playoffs. How could that be?!
Somehow, some way, the Charlotte Bobcats and Cleveland Cavaliers are both 4 games out of 7th place. Charlotte has nothing going, knows it, made peace with it, and shipped out their win-now talent to Miami, getting the coveted PG Jordan Poole back in return. Even if DrKavarga gets no use out of Poole, I’m sure he will get plenty of suitors coming his way trying to get him, because for some reason league GMs are into the PBSL version of Jordan Poole. Like, a lot. It’s crazy! But it’s true. Poole’s got value, and no matter what, DrK is in a good position to max his value. Cleveland, sadly, is not in a much better position. They have two much better players than anyone on the Bobcats, Raphael Gordon and Larry Canfield, but they don’t have the results to show it. Very unfortunate. Hopefully, the trade market is alive for these guys and jlmarines is listening, because I know if I were contending and had a good deal to offer, I would “Doug” all over jlmarines for some sweet, sweet Larry Canfield action. That guy fracks. Oh yeah - that Canfield guy fracks.
Wow. Alpha is bleak. Like, really bleak. Like, none of those teams would have any chance whatsoever beating any of the top 6 teams in the conference if they landed the 7th seed. But it also seems like it would take next to no effort to land that 7th seed and be the best of the bunch, whereas the coveted worst of the bunch looks to be competitive af. God, i would not want to be any of these teams…yet here I am, writing about it. I am them.
Frack.
So we saved the mediocre best for last, huh? Let’s look at Alpha!
Yes, please. Let’s. Alpha is much less of a disaster. The current #7 seed, the Sacramento Kings, were actually having a pretty good year before 75 yr old Killian Hayes fell to injury. (Sprained Ankle my ass, homie had to have broken his hip.) In fact, they’re tied with the #8 seed Dallas Mavericks, both sitting 1 game below .500. One game! Either one of these teams’ fortunes could change with a single trade.
Looking up and down their rosters, however, nothing screams winner to me. Yet. Killian Hayes screamed huge winner 45 years ago, but surrounded by bums, they never crawled to the top of the heap. Still surrounded by bums, Hayes is making it happen, and will continue to do so upon his highly anticipated return. Earning a record $93m this season, he better earn his keep and play some freaking games!
Actually, during Superdog’s tenure, they’ve only missed the playoffs twice.
Really?
Really.
Whatever. The Dallas Mavericks have finally gotten good use out of Clarence Martin at PG. With Terrance Lewis Weeks, Richie Cuevas, and Raiquan Gray all averaging over 18 points per game, Martin must be doing something right running their offense. This spread of offense could make them a dynamic threat, but they really need to fill a hole somewhere, and I think that hole is at Center. Having rolled with Damien Baily thus far, he has a fouling problem and can’t stay on the court as long as the other guys in the starting 5. Could you imagine a more complete starting 5 here? Jonathan Kuminga is a hot commodity that does not quite fit with the present or the future, and seems like a good piece to send out for a decent return. I wonder if any other 7th seeded teams ready to tank have a serviceable center? Hmmmm… wink wink nudge nudge…
Climbing back up to the #6 seeded Bucks, for the small price of a y/g youngster and 5pts, they picked up a solid bench player in Kispert. A team that lost THT (Talen Horton Tucker) to free agency, they have not called it quits, keeping Kory Manley and Saddiq Bey. If I were the Bucks I would have moved these ballers for assets rather than try to upgrade elsewhere, but I’m not TuaMane, nor a member of the Abitua empire of PBSL, so what do I know? I’m sure he has his reasons, and I’m sure the commish provided sound advice. But as long as this team has Saddiq Bey, they’re a lock for the playoffs, and that’s exactly where they seem to want to be.
I can’t say the same for the #9 seed Phoenix Suns. They’re deep into building a monster, laying wait in hibernation.
Are we talking about the same 2051-2052 Phoenix Suns?
I have no idea. On closer inspection, I have no clue what this team is doing. Jaden Akins is amazing! Their next best players are coming off the bench lol. Why did they bid on Carmelo Williams to bring him off the bench is beyond me, but When Antonio Gates gets older, he will be the guy I always wanted Fabian Hub to be, dagnabbit.
Really?
No. Well, maybe. I thought he had some A’s on offense, so he’s got some points still needing to go that way, but if Black Superman trains this guy, and keeps Akins, they’re one piece away from being other teams’ nightmares.
Swinging back to the #5 Celtics, this team started their season like the 2022-2023 NBA Warriors, but unlike the Warriors, the Celtics seemed to have gotten their sh*t together. Antonio Blakeney is that Saddiq Bey-like player where, no matter who else is on the team, if Blakeney is on the team, they’re a default playoff team. AngryBanana has gotten much better at PBSL over the years, and seems to know exactly how to support a guy like Blakeney now, too. If they stay the course, they are going to have some knockdown, drag out battles with league greats like garbageman and the Chicago Bulls and the commish himself, MexicanMamba and the Los Angeles Lakers. If anyone is so bold to talk a lil shit, these Celtics could be at the heart of some legendary rivalries. But yeah, no matter what AB does, Celtics are a lock for the playoffs.
The San Antonio Spurs, on the other hand, are anything but a lock. They wish they were worse than they are. Even when being their absolute worst, they’re still better than like, 10 other GMs. EazyP has to fire his entire roster that will not become 20 years a Spur if they want to stay in the lottery. The Spurs reign is coming, and I hope they have one less great lotto pick developed when it comes to pass.
Having now passed 2000 words, the Nets are locked in (sorry Ed, my writing motivation is waning), Timberwolves are locked out (whoever comes to the league next will receive a nice pot o’ Twolves gold), and the Pelicans? Well, the Pels never trained up Leroy Johnston’s INS, and trade talks for Ned Lomax never went anywhere, so I’m not going to talk about them either. Article over.
JK, the Pelicans know they aren’t good enough to do anything this season, so they moved Kispert for a few points (I think they could have gotten more return for Kispert, but the idea to move him for something was a good one), but what next? Leroy’s deal is expiring. Are they ready to max him? Trey Murphy was paid too much in RFA and soaking up too much cap space… since he’s only 23, does some player training go his way to make him into a PG, perhaps? Or does Mr A-Tua move that contract asap next year? These are tough questions without clear answers, because Leroy Johnston and Ned Lomax paired with any decent support sounds like a wet dream to me, but it hasn’t played out that way at all yet. And Lomax and Johnston are hitting their prime. I have no answers, but Mr A-Tua seems like a good enough guy and i wish him and his team the best.
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The Alpha and Omega conferences are in uniquely different positions this year, but there is so much parity across so many middling teams that any strong move in either a winning or losing direction could net big results. I think, in Omega, the Rockets should have an active GM (duh), make a push and get some wins to get some points and get out of tax hell. Everyone else in Omega could make a huge push to be as horrible as possible, and then everyone loses, because so many Omega teams are hot trash. Alpha, on the other hand, has slightly less parity. They have a clearly emerging loser in Portland, a team that should be incredible in about 4 seasons if they play their hand right and insure everyone who will become great in the future (including an assured top 3 lotto pick next season). So unless you want to bet on another good draft year, it behooves Alpha teams to try to get some wins. The Twolves will hopefully get some human GM support soon, but if they net one more insanely good player in the draft in the meantime? So be it. Keep the Suns, Pelicans and ESPECIALLY the Spurs further out of this asset-gaining conversation.
Okay, I’m done. I hope this provided more than a skimpy rephrased version of gman’s article, but if not, now you know some stream of consciousness analysis can net you a few points, too. I hope you liked reading about you.