1 Thing I Like and Don't Like from Each Playoff Team
Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2020 7:46 pm
I’m going to come out and say it right away.
I’m an opinionated person.
This may come as a surprise to some of you as I hear the audible gasp through my laptop even as I type this. Ever since tearing down my team and building through the drafts, which has been an agonizingly slow process, I get a little jealous of the teams that make the playoffs and have more sims to look forward to. We all know most of these playoff teams don’t stand a chance to win it all but they get to keep playing anyway and delaying the inevitable demise of their season, making teams like MINE having to wait even longer for the offseason! Jerks!
Something that isn’t as surprising is I need points, something a few of you have had the displeasure of dealing with me in trades about this past season, even dealing picks for points. After a certain amount of accumulation you’re just drafting players you can’t insure who will end up getting rammed harder by the sim computer in training camp than Quail’s mom on a Tuesday night. So it’s time to write another article since I need to get to my maximum seasonal allotment, something I haven’t done in quite some time. I know this article won’t be out in time before nominations for Article of the Year which is a damn shame, a plus five would have been great, but your views is all I need.
I lied, the only view I need is our media coordinator counting up my words. That’s one thing I like about you, reader who is not our media coordinator, you’re so dang gullible. The one thing I don’t like about you? You can’t award me points, so kick rocks.
Now that the pleasantries are out of the way and you feel sucked and ready for a nap, let’s get the party started. ONE THING I LIKE AND DON’T LIKE ABOUT EACH PLAYOFF TEAM!
Omega Conference
#1. Detroit Pistons
WHAT I LIKE: I like the fact that you gave zero f’s about the tax bill, went all out, and somehow came away with not just winning the division but also being the #1 seed in the Omega conference. 15 straight wins to end the season was nice and you got to beat up on the Raptors and Jazz combined 5 times to end the last sim.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: Not a lot of weaknesses on our team, so I’ll move on to the GM. What I don’t like is how you declined my offer to take off salary on your books and ran to the Houston Rockets to be dumped on like his name was TraywithanA. I’m not mad you’re mad!
#2. Chicago Bulls
WHAT I LIKE: I like the balance on your team and your chances to repeat even though not a lot of people are talking about the Bulls lately. Defending champ with almost the same roster as last season with an added Mo Bamba.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how unimpressive your team is on offense with that 20th rank FG% in the league. Hopefully you don’t run into a team that can defend the 3 in the playoffs.
#3. Miami Heat
WHAT I LIKE: I don’t just like, but I love David Leiker and every team who has had him has been spectacular, and you surrounded a decent roster around him.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: Jeff Bezos would blush at your tax bill.
#4. Los Angeles Clippers
WHAT I LIKE: I like that I never know what to expect from you, truly I don’t. You’ve somehow made lemonade out of lemons with those trades and were able to salvage a season.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: Lesbi-honest here, this team isn’t as good as the other teams you fielded. I wonder if you will ever draft a player with your own pick by the end of this decade.
#5. New Orleans Pelicans
WHAT I LIKE: That Jordan Johnson signing was great and he’s a true difference maker for your team. I seriously wonder where your team would be without him.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t think you have a PG, there must be some mistake on this index. It says Roderick and Novotny have been splitting the duty there. Let me know when to refresh the index to see your actual PG.
#6. Minnesota Timberwolves
WHAT I LIKE: I like that this season was what you were trying to accomplish last season and you’re back in the playoffs.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how Leiker will make Odell Rasberry leave a raspberry pie on the court when the Heat are done with the series.
#7. Dallas Mavericks
WHAT I LIKE: I like your chances against the Bulls. For whatever reason, this may be the hardest matchup the Bulls could have in the playoffs.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how Burt Gibson has been a non-factor since I maxed him in RFA. I could treat him right. You ever wonder why he closes his eyes when you make love to him? HE’S THINKING OF ME!
Omega got off light with that one, but my foes in Alpha aren’t so lucky.
Alpha Conference
#1. Washington Wizards
WHAT I LIKE: I like the length and defense on this squad, it’s scary and Quintin Kidd is the real deal. You’re the #1 overall seed for a reason. Good job dude.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how I won’t have confidence you’ll win a championship until you do. I always root for you and will continue to do so, but I’ve been burned too much in the past. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
#2. Orlando Magic
WHAT I LIKE: I like how I have no idea how you got the #2 seed. Weren’t you tanking this season?
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how you traded for Reynolds. I wanted him. And you sold Pauly on a “no way this backfires” trade of Bronnie for him. Guess what, IT BACKFIRED AND I LIKE PAULY. FRIEND REQUEST DENIED.
#3. San Antonio Spurs
WHAT I LIKE: I of course like Daniel Yandell and that he is becoming everything that I said he would be despite the league mocking me for it. They know who they are. HAND DOWN, YAN DELL.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how you have Yandell and I don’t. I got like 1.5 good seasons out of BDJ, and sure a championship, but seriously you’ll have Yandell for so much longer. Then he went purple?! JFC only a Spurs training camp.
#4. Denver Nuggets
WHAT I LIKE: Personally, I love when you reverse curse, because it drives the others up the gawd damn wall. I also love when you defend it by saying you’re not.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like when you threaten to not talk about sim league because of an injury. Suck it up buttercup you lost your worst player that was a starter. I traded you Bynum for a reason and it wasn’t to sit on the bench. I’m sure your team will dearly miss a 40% FG shooter. Get ready for the playoffs you got this!
#5. Philadelphia 76ers
WHAT I LIKE: Don’t tell the syndicate above but I like your chances of beating the Nuggets in the 1st round.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like when you do beat the Nuggets we’ll have to talk Ryan off a cliff.
#6. Milwaukee Bucks
WHAT I LIKE: No matter what happens I feel we’ll get a special Quail moment in the playoffs. If the season awards announcement was a preview of your reactions we are in for a good one.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how De’Aaron Fox is a 2nd team guy and you’re making a case for him to be MVP. Per the computer, Leiker and Yandell were better! Let x1st have this.
#7. Los Angeles Lakers
WHAT I LIKE: I like that you ran into a buzzsaw on April 22, 2037. Don’t take it too hard, there were 27 other cases where GMs did as well. That’s a lot.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how I hailed you as the favorite to win the division at the start of the season. You made me look dumb with that one.
I’m an opinionated person.
This may come as a surprise to some of you as I hear the audible gasp through my laptop even as I type this. Ever since tearing down my team and building through the drafts, which has been an agonizingly slow process, I get a little jealous of the teams that make the playoffs and have more sims to look forward to. We all know most of these playoff teams don’t stand a chance to win it all but they get to keep playing anyway and delaying the inevitable demise of their season, making teams like MINE having to wait even longer for the offseason! Jerks!
Something that isn’t as surprising is I need points, something a few of you have had the displeasure of dealing with me in trades about this past season, even dealing picks for points. After a certain amount of accumulation you’re just drafting players you can’t insure who will end up getting rammed harder by the sim computer in training camp than Quail’s mom on a Tuesday night. So it’s time to write another article since I need to get to my maximum seasonal allotment, something I haven’t done in quite some time. I know this article won’t be out in time before nominations for Article of the Year which is a damn shame, a plus five would have been great, but your views is all I need.
I lied, the only view I need is our media coordinator counting up my words. That’s one thing I like about you, reader who is not our media coordinator, you’re so dang gullible. The one thing I don’t like about you? You can’t award me points, so kick rocks.
Now that the pleasantries are out of the way and you feel sucked and ready for a nap, let’s get the party started. ONE THING I LIKE AND DON’T LIKE ABOUT EACH PLAYOFF TEAM!
Omega Conference
#1. Detroit Pistons
WHAT I LIKE: I like the fact that you gave zero f’s about the tax bill, went all out, and somehow came away with not just winning the division but also being the #1 seed in the Omega conference. 15 straight wins to end the season was nice and you got to beat up on the Raptors and Jazz combined 5 times to end the last sim.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: Not a lot of weaknesses on our team, so I’ll move on to the GM. What I don’t like is how you declined my offer to take off salary on your books and ran to the Houston Rockets to be dumped on like his name was TraywithanA. I’m not mad you’re mad!
#2. Chicago Bulls
WHAT I LIKE: I like the balance on your team and your chances to repeat even though not a lot of people are talking about the Bulls lately. Defending champ with almost the same roster as last season with an added Mo Bamba.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how unimpressive your team is on offense with that 20th rank FG% in the league. Hopefully you don’t run into a team that can defend the 3 in the playoffs.
#3. Miami Heat
WHAT I LIKE: I don’t just like, but I love David Leiker and every team who has had him has been spectacular, and you surrounded a decent roster around him.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: Jeff Bezos would blush at your tax bill.
#4. Los Angeles Clippers
WHAT I LIKE: I like that I never know what to expect from you, truly I don’t. You’ve somehow made lemonade out of lemons with those trades and were able to salvage a season.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: Lesbi-honest here, this team isn’t as good as the other teams you fielded. I wonder if you will ever draft a player with your own pick by the end of this decade.
#5. New Orleans Pelicans
WHAT I LIKE: That Jordan Johnson signing was great and he’s a true difference maker for your team. I seriously wonder where your team would be without him.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t think you have a PG, there must be some mistake on this index. It says Roderick and Novotny have been splitting the duty there. Let me know when to refresh the index to see your actual PG.
#6. Minnesota Timberwolves
WHAT I LIKE: I like that this season was what you were trying to accomplish last season and you’re back in the playoffs.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how Leiker will make Odell Rasberry leave a raspberry pie on the court when the Heat are done with the series.
#7. Dallas Mavericks
WHAT I LIKE: I like your chances against the Bulls. For whatever reason, this may be the hardest matchup the Bulls could have in the playoffs.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how Burt Gibson has been a non-factor since I maxed him in RFA. I could treat him right. You ever wonder why he closes his eyes when you make love to him? HE’S THINKING OF ME!
Omega got off light with that one, but my foes in Alpha aren’t so lucky.
Alpha Conference
#1. Washington Wizards
WHAT I LIKE: I like the length and defense on this squad, it’s scary and Quintin Kidd is the real deal. You’re the #1 overall seed for a reason. Good job dude.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how I won’t have confidence you’ll win a championship until you do. I always root for you and will continue to do so, but I’ve been burned too much in the past. I don’t want to hurt anymore.
#2. Orlando Magic
WHAT I LIKE: I like how I have no idea how you got the #2 seed. Weren’t you tanking this season?
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how you traded for Reynolds. I wanted him. And you sold Pauly on a “no way this backfires” trade of Bronnie for him. Guess what, IT BACKFIRED AND I LIKE PAULY. FRIEND REQUEST DENIED.
#3. San Antonio Spurs
WHAT I LIKE: I of course like Daniel Yandell and that he is becoming everything that I said he would be despite the league mocking me for it. They know who they are. HAND DOWN, YAN DELL.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how you have Yandell and I don’t. I got like 1.5 good seasons out of BDJ, and sure a championship, but seriously you’ll have Yandell for so much longer. Then he went purple?! JFC only a Spurs training camp.
#4. Denver Nuggets
WHAT I LIKE: Personally, I love when you reverse curse, because it drives the others up the gawd damn wall. I also love when you defend it by saying you’re not.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like when you threaten to not talk about sim league because of an injury. Suck it up buttercup you lost your worst player that was a starter. I traded you Bynum for a reason and it wasn’t to sit on the bench. I’m sure your team will dearly miss a 40% FG shooter. Get ready for the playoffs you got this!
#5. Philadelphia 76ers
WHAT I LIKE: Don’t tell the syndicate above but I like your chances of beating the Nuggets in the 1st round.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like when you do beat the Nuggets we’ll have to talk Ryan off a cliff.
#6. Milwaukee Bucks
WHAT I LIKE: No matter what happens I feel we’ll get a special Quail moment in the playoffs. If the season awards announcement was a preview of your reactions we are in for a good one.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how De’Aaron Fox is a 2nd team guy and you’re making a case for him to be MVP. Per the computer, Leiker and Yandell were better! Let x1st have this.
#7. Los Angeles Lakers
WHAT I LIKE: I like that you ran into a buzzsaw on April 22, 2037. Don’t take it too hard, there were 27 other cases where GMs did as well. That’s a lot.
WHAT I DON’T LIKE: I don’t like how I hailed you as the favorite to win the division at the start of the season. You made me look dumb with that one.