25-on-5! Article of the Year Edition!
Posted: Wed May 27, 2020 2:17 am
Everybody loves a 5-on-5 article. They’re pretty easy for everyone involved, and it’s just answering random questions without having to do much research beyond what you’ve already naturally witnessed! But what could be better than a 5-on-5? How about a 25-on-5?
Yeah, that’s right! Garbageman, the benevolent Commissioner of the league and compiler of Media Entry of the Year winning articles has taken it upon himself to not only brave the arduous task of COMPILING this 25-on-5, he’s also going to imitate the 25 other GMs in the league and answer the questions with what they would probably say anyway!
(DISCLAIMER: THE ANSWERS BELOW WERE WRITTEN BY GARBAGEMAN AND DO NOT REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THE OTHER GMS, PBSL AS A WHOLE, THE OWNERS OF THE PBSL WEBSITE, OR, IN MANY CASES, GARBAGEMAN HIMSELF. SOME ANSWERS WILL BE PURELY SATIRICAL. MOST QUESTIONS WERE STOLEN FROM DOUG’S 5 ON 5 FROM LAST YEAR. IF THIS ARTICLE SUCKS, THAT’S PROBABLY WHY.)
1. What was your favorite "happening" of the off-season for you (trade, signing, draft pick, TC bump)? SURE GO AHEAD AND NAME A COUPLE IF YOU CAN'T DECIDE.
the_syndicate: My favorite “happening” of the off-season was when I was finally able to trade Jerry West and get out of paying his blue ass 100 million dollars over the next 2 seasons. Not only did I get David Leiker, who I will turn into a purple potential player while greepleairport is wearing a barrel with suspenders next season, but I got him to also pay me 10 points that he could’ve used to buy a higher quality barrel. My second favorite “happening” was that my daughter was born.
drkavarga: The Udoka Azubuike trade really put me over the top. Time for another trip to the Palazzo!
Eazy P: I really enjoyed returning Ronald Jordan’s busted ass and getting Cliff Paugh in return. It was like sending a dysfunctional toaster back to Amazon and getting back a PBSL championship trophy.
The JNR: I was able to select the top prospect of the draft at the third spot, and I took a lot of pleasure in naming him after a real NBA player who matched his features specifically. Len Bias was 6-foot-Fryeing-9 for chrissakes!
RPF: My favorite part of the offseason was when Gregory Haddock went g/g instead of dying again in TC. He’s finally got that Pels stench off.
#78: You might not see it on my roster, but 58 year old Al Horford is still blue/blue and could play if he wanted to.
Soundwave: It was hard to part with RJ Barrett and Bjorn Ironside, but I got some good return for them without having to rename the chat or make individual trade blocks for them or really do anything at all.
BowtotheBill23: I really liked learning the new rename rules and then watching the guy I picked get boosted enough in the offseason so that he’s better than Ruby’s guy.
MexicanMamba: I was excited to land so many vet mins. Can’t wait for day 60 so I can stack them all on top of each other and trade them for a blue guy who costs 125% their combined salaries.
MESSI_2.0: My favorite parts of the offseason were retaining De’Aaron Fox and insuring my young guys.
greepleairport: It’s validating as a GM that I was able to win a trade against one of the most successful GMs in the league.
letsplayhorse: For sure, retaining Nick Papagiorgio, Marius Hemm, and Henry Garman since I had already heard of them.
ballsohard: It was great to be welcomed back to PBSL on a team with Dominick Cobb, who is averaging 38 points per game on a team with no other scoring options with a gameplan that I’ve designed to maximize Cobb’s stats. Of course, if you have a high potential rookie or two and are willing to throw in a pick, I could see myself parting ways with the best player in PBSL.
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
LoCo89: Getting all of Wig’s points was nice.
NOLa.: I’m still drunk from the championship celebration. What the Frye happened to all my players?
digiskunk: My favorite part of the offseason was when some guy paid me $20 to deliver a vial of semen to some lady who had a restraining order against him.
PaulyP: Remaining under the cap.
AngryBanana: Telling everyone I broke my hand falling off a bike when, in reality, I broke it punching the wall after losing game 7. Sending Josh Jackson to the hellish void that is the New York Knicks made it all worthwhile, though.
IamQuailman: I spent most of the offseason bathing in goop and cackling as it seeped into my crevices.
false9: The best part of my offseason was when Tani posted the new meme thread. God, I love counting memes! Runner up? I’d have to say the Waiver process. I always try to mix it up and have a little fun with the title of the thread. It’s my personal Bob’s Burgers specials board. Hey, Bob’s Burgers memes would be a good meme theme!
KeepIt100: As the newest GM here, I enjoyed every part of the offseason because it will still be about 5 or 10 seasons before anything starts to feel like a slog.
logpmess: My favorite part of the offseason was telling my brother that the offseason got pushed a month due to COVID. We love playing pranks on each other.
xist2inspire: Watching Quintin Kidd go purple/purple was exciting. I sure hope garbageman’s TC secret has nothing to do with him come next Training Camp.
NickMalone77: I had a heck of a time signing power forwards and centers. If anyone is looking to make a deal, I’ve still got a few guards that I will gladly pay you for more big men.
2. If you could do this offseason all over again, what is one approach you would change (if any)?
greepleairport: I definitely should’ve researched the Timberwolves before asking a question on their preseason presser.
MESSI_2.0: I really don’t see anything that went all too wrong for me.
letsplayhorse: It would’ve been nice to get Kevin Gray back. We really miss him in the locker room. Hope they’re treating him ok in Sacramento.
Eazy P: I would change my TC settings and hope that Grayson Allen got hit a little harder. He’s still too good for it to be fair for the rest of the league.
#78: I would put more points into training Modestine Degrimonpon, but let’s be honest. He doesn’t really need it.
the_syndicate: If I could do this offseason over, I would spend less time welcoming a new life into the world and more time building a time machine so I could get Norris Turney back. You can always re-go-back-in-time and have a kid, but you can’t get a solid rookie player back to pair with David Leiker by trading your child...well, you can, but garbageman was unwilling to send back 10 points as well.
ballsohard: If I would’ve known the rest of the conference was going to be pure garbage, I would’ve put together a win-now team where Dominick Cobb still would’ve been putting up the same numbers in case you’re interested.
digiskunk: I wouldn’t have let that guy panhandling outside of CVS cut off my finger just because he said he was Yakuza. Or at least not the SAME finger.
JNR: I would’ve quit my job so I could have access to the forums.
RPF: I would’ve insured Jamaal Patrick. Nothing else really went wrong.
drkavarga: My tax bill’s kind of high, but once I get those preseason presser points, I should be in good shape.
PaulyP: I would’ve loved to have the cap space to retain Josh Hart, but I don’t want to be in the same mess that the Knicks are in.
xist2inspire: I really missed out on getting a 7’0” tall SF. Maybe I’ll train Shareef O’Neal’s quickness at the all star break…
NOLa.: It would be nice to get another 2036 lotto pick or two.
MexicanMamba: If I’d only signed 5 more vet mins, I could eventually move them to get Carl Howard back.
LoCo89: I would’ve taken over the Suns.
NickMalone77: I regret offering reasonable deals to Conrad McRae and Jack Fredericks. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ll never sign any external RFAs if I don’t max the shit out of them.
KeepIt100: For a new guy, I think I did pretty well, but I don’t want to upstage GMs who have been here a while, so maybe I shouldn’t have gotten the hang of things so quickly.
IamQuailman: I should’ve only offered Gary $10 to deliver my vial of semen.
logpmess: I never anonymously suggested to KeepIt100 that there should be an end of season award for having the highest paid red/red player on your roster.
AngryBanana: I should have never told garbageman it was ok to edit his Sim Vegas entry until the deadline.
Soundwave: I wish I’d paid off my tax bill before UFA, but I also don’t really care.
false9: I wish I’d have kept my pick.
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
3. Who's your favorite player on your team that doesn't have purple or blue potential?
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
MexicanMamba: Anyone who isn’t blue potential is just salary towards a player who is blue potential. I don’t even learn their names.
Soundwave: Spiderman, <expletive deleted>!
KeepIt100: Tyler Ulis. That explains why I offered a y/y guy more than a min on day 1 of UFA.
LoCo89: 10 points.
AngryBanana: Well, Oliver Dennis really slimmed down to his vet min contract like Christian Bale preparing for a role, so I’ll say Basil Garden, who I’m going to keep signing because I like his name.
drkavarga: Collin Sexton because I have a ton of sex with the girls in room 20-907 of the Palazzo. Oh yeah.
BowToTheBill23: Brian May. I wish him the best as he recovers from his heart attack and his shredded butt. Get well soon.
greepleairport: Jerry West next year.
letsplayhorse: I love all of my players. I’d play them all 48 minutes if I could.
#78: If you’re not a blue player, I’m really only interested in transfusing your blood into Al Horford, who has turned 73 years old since the last question.
RPF: Benny Prouty. Even though he got hit in TC last season, I still couldn’t bring myself to decline his rookie option in time.
xist2inspire: Lawrence Brunette, who is the tallest non-blue player on my team. He will see some minutes at SF.
JNR: Zylan Cheatham. Maybe he’s not blue anymore, but he can score points and be a defensive liability with the most average of them.
IamQuailman: Bertram Pugh. Who doesn’t like taking a nice slimy pugh onto his own chest once in a while?
PaulyP: His name might be Christopher Fortunato, but with his reasonable contract, I like to call him Christopher Not-A-Fortune! Zing!
the_syndicate: It WAS Jere Ratliff. Told you he’d go green potential!
ballsohard: James Shaffer...if other GMs didn’t pay so much attention to color, they’d know he’s a great piece for any competing team with 40mm and a decent rookie contract player to spare.
Eazy P: Charlie Porter, but not as much as he likes signing with me on value contracts.
NickMalone77: It’s a tie between Durant Badham, Joe Furtell, Clemente Torres, and Wilburn Clark.
MESSI_2.0: Craig Brooks, who has stayed o/g for four seasons now, and through Suns training camps, will undoubtedly go o/p, which are coincidentally the Suns colors.
false9: Tyler Bibb...the Cristobal Santos of today’s Orlando Magic.
digiskunk: There’s probably a player on my team named Dickie Wankenshaft or something, and if there isn’t, that’s still my answer.
logpmess: Ronald Small.
4. We’re very early on in the season. What do you need to do going forward?
ballsohard: I’d like to surround Dominick Cobb with some players who never shoot to get him some more touches. His usage rate is only slightly more than 8% higher than Quintin Kidd, who’s the purple/purple player with the highest usage rate, so that could stand to come up some.
BowToTheBill23: Ideally, I’d like to play my handful of blue and green players no more than guys like Winfred Phelps because playing time should be equal regardless of color, talent, or salary.
MESSI_2.0: Just have to keep accumulating points and being inactive until someone finally proposes a rule change that won’t allow some noob to inherit a team with three purple potential players and 500 points to run roughshod over the league.
#78: Gotta get the ball to Degrimonpon.
AngryBanana: Need to set a reminder on my calendar to decline Ernie Acuna’s team option.
LoCo89: Gotta see if anyone wants Kyle Kuzma or Brandon Clarke for 400 points.
JNR: I need to find a backdoor into the system so I can access the forums again...or download Tapatalk on my phone.
PaulyP: Just need to hope that every sim is as good as my first sim!
the_syndicate: I need to do the Strength of Schedule spreadsheet so I can feel good about the claims that the Nuggets are a surefire playoff team after a 6-2 sim with wins against almost all five teams that only have one win so far.
letsplayhorse: I need to sign James Terry off of the free agents list immediately!
false9: Boban 2.0.
MexicanMamba: I just need to win a championship or I’m going to spend more money until I do. You can take away my RFA rights and my bird rights and my ability to sign free agents for more than a min, but you can never take away my freedom…….to sign vet min after vet min and trade them away for blue and green players that teams who don’t want to pay the tax after only having them on my roster for one sim.
IamQuailman: I need to download more Mucinex commercials to masturbate to.
digiskunk: Ah Frye...I gotta finish delivering that semen vial.
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
drkavarga: I just need to post the word “Recommend” on the forums 11 more times this season.
NickMalone77: I’m going to need to make several trades before I go into a withdrawal severe enough to warrant medical attention.
RPF: I just need to hold onto Jamaal Patrick in case I need to expose someone to an expansion team next season.
greeple_airport: Really gotta cross my fingers that Jerry West doesn’t break his leg a third time.
Eazy P: I’ve gotta take imaginary ring measurements on my imaginary hand.
KeepIt100: I have to train James Wiseman at the all star break as much as I can before he goes purple and I can’t train him anymore.
logpmess: I should probably make some trades or something. I’ve got more rookie contract players than you can shake a stick at, and the rest of my team is just worthless salary. If only there was someone putting up 40 points a game who could be had.
NOLa.: I’ll have to monetize this league by making custom Renato Mosher jerseys and selling them on the internet.
5. There have already been 100 responses in total to the previous four questions, and this article is starting to drag on a little bit. Is everyone cool with me just asking four questions? I think this is already an article of the year candidate, and I don’t want to bloat it with a bunch of uninspired garbage, especially since I’ve exhausted the comedic fodder for most, if not all, of the GMs depicted here by question two or three. Besides, I’m at north of 2,600 words right now, and I feel like I can get this to nine points easily by making this question super long and having all the GMs say something like “No, that’s fine with me” or whatever variations there are of that. Maybe 10 points. Who knows? If not, I’ll just do 3 more memes than I would’ve and been capped anyway. So, yeah...is everyone cool with that?
IamQuailman: Yeah, but my slimy ass will hand-count this article to make sure you don’t get credit for words that were ripped directly from my questions or extra bonus words you threw in to increase the word count like when you said “Zing!” after that Christopher Fortunato pun. You should also not get any points for any of the things I’ve said as those are direct quotes whereas all the other GMs were satire. I’m covered in pustules and I love to poke them with hot pins and slurp up the discharge.
KeepIt100: Fine with me.
#78: Same here.
AngryBanana: Yep. Great article!
MESSI_2.0: Wait...I’m looking at my roster page right now, and I think there’s time for one more question. Where’s De’Aaron Fox?
drkavarga: Alright, alright, alright!
false9: Sure. Feel free to claim 100 points.
Eazy P: I’m voting this for article of the year for sure.
logpmess: Yep. Me too.
the_syndicate: Agreed. Another question would be overkill.
Soundwave: For once, I agree with Ryan.
NOLa.: All good here.
NickMalone77: Yep. Thanks for including me!
RPF: That’s fine.
PaulyP: Same!
LoCo89: Yeah. Well done.
BowToTheBill23: Good time to call it. Getting sleepy over here.
greeple_airport: Loved the article. You’ve done it again!
JNR: Have to say...even more media entry of the year worthy than Horns and Fangs.
ballsohard: Glad I came back for this. You truly commissioned PBSL to new heights.
xist2inspire: Nicely done!
letsplayhorse: Even though I will never read this article, I will vote for it in the year end awards.
MexicanMamba: Me too.
LHamilton: Actually, I’d just like to add a thing or two before we wrap this all up. I’ve been silently watching you all run your little teams from the sidelines for quite a few seasons now, and though I may not respond to your PMs, and I may only ever reach out to The Negotiator with my bids, I’ve been scouting each and every one of you. I know your habits, your tendencies, and most importantly, your blind spots. When the time is right to strike, the Cleveland Cavaliers will rise from their hibernation and unleash a seasonslong run so overpowering that it will ruin any chance anyone else has of ever having fun in this league again. Enjoy your Past Champions page now, because soon enough it will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the webpage that says “Cleveland Cavaliers” on it the most times. I’ll have so many rings that my fingers will be more gold than skin, and it’ll sting when I pimp slap your sorry asses for having the insolence to write me off as a background character in what many of you consider a hobby. The day of reckoning draws nigh and the four horsemen of the apocalypse will be named Roland, Ridley, Ronald, and Brad. No GM will be spared our wrath. For I am Lhamilton, vanquisher of the ignorant, penetrator of dreams, devourer of souls!
digiskunk: ...and delivered. Well, not really. I ended up drinking some toilet wine with a real nice hobo I met and offered him my 2037 draft pick if he delivered it for me. Close enough, though. Anyway, what’d I miss?
Yeah, that’s right! Garbageman, the benevolent Commissioner of the league and compiler of Media Entry of the Year winning articles has taken it upon himself to not only brave the arduous task of COMPILING this 25-on-5, he’s also going to imitate the 25 other GMs in the league and answer the questions with what they would probably say anyway!
(DISCLAIMER: THE ANSWERS BELOW WERE WRITTEN BY GARBAGEMAN AND DO NOT REFLECT THE OPINIONS OF THE OTHER GMS, PBSL AS A WHOLE, THE OWNERS OF THE PBSL WEBSITE, OR, IN MANY CASES, GARBAGEMAN HIMSELF. SOME ANSWERS WILL BE PURELY SATIRICAL. MOST QUESTIONS WERE STOLEN FROM DOUG’S 5 ON 5 FROM LAST YEAR. IF THIS ARTICLE SUCKS, THAT’S PROBABLY WHY.)
1. What was your favorite "happening" of the off-season for you (trade, signing, draft pick, TC bump)? SURE GO AHEAD AND NAME A COUPLE IF YOU CAN'T DECIDE.
the_syndicate: My favorite “happening” of the off-season was when I was finally able to trade Jerry West and get out of paying his blue ass 100 million dollars over the next 2 seasons. Not only did I get David Leiker, who I will turn into a purple potential player while greepleairport is wearing a barrel with suspenders next season, but I got him to also pay me 10 points that he could’ve used to buy a higher quality barrel. My second favorite “happening” was that my daughter was born.
drkavarga: The Udoka Azubuike trade really put me over the top. Time for another trip to the Palazzo!
Eazy P: I really enjoyed returning Ronald Jordan’s busted ass and getting Cliff Paugh in return. It was like sending a dysfunctional toaster back to Amazon and getting back a PBSL championship trophy.
The JNR: I was able to select the top prospect of the draft at the third spot, and I took a lot of pleasure in naming him after a real NBA player who matched his features specifically. Len Bias was 6-foot-Fryeing-9 for chrissakes!
RPF: My favorite part of the offseason was when Gregory Haddock went g/g instead of dying again in TC. He’s finally got that Pels stench off.
#78: You might not see it on my roster, but 58 year old Al Horford is still blue/blue and could play if he wanted to.
Soundwave: It was hard to part with RJ Barrett and Bjorn Ironside, but I got some good return for them without having to rename the chat or make individual trade blocks for them or really do anything at all.
BowtotheBill23: I really liked learning the new rename rules and then watching the guy I picked get boosted enough in the offseason so that he’s better than Ruby’s guy.
MexicanMamba: I was excited to land so many vet mins. Can’t wait for day 60 so I can stack them all on top of each other and trade them for a blue guy who costs 125% their combined salaries.
MESSI_2.0: My favorite parts of the offseason were retaining De’Aaron Fox and insuring my young guys.
greepleairport: It’s validating as a GM that I was able to win a trade against one of the most successful GMs in the league.
letsplayhorse: For sure, retaining Nick Papagiorgio, Marius Hemm, and Henry Garman since I had already heard of them.
ballsohard: It was great to be welcomed back to PBSL on a team with Dominick Cobb, who is averaging 38 points per game on a team with no other scoring options with a gameplan that I’ve designed to maximize Cobb’s stats. Of course, if you have a high potential rookie or two and are willing to throw in a pick, I could see myself parting ways with the best player in PBSL.
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
LoCo89: Getting all of Wig’s points was nice.
NOLa.: I’m still drunk from the championship celebration. What the Frye happened to all my players?
digiskunk: My favorite part of the offseason was when some guy paid me $20 to deliver a vial of semen to some lady who had a restraining order against him.
PaulyP: Remaining under the cap.
AngryBanana: Telling everyone I broke my hand falling off a bike when, in reality, I broke it punching the wall after losing game 7. Sending Josh Jackson to the hellish void that is the New York Knicks made it all worthwhile, though.
IamQuailman: I spent most of the offseason bathing in goop and cackling as it seeped into my crevices.
false9: The best part of my offseason was when Tani posted the new meme thread. God, I love counting memes! Runner up? I’d have to say the Waiver process. I always try to mix it up and have a little fun with the title of the thread. It’s my personal Bob’s Burgers specials board. Hey, Bob’s Burgers memes would be a good meme theme!
KeepIt100: As the newest GM here, I enjoyed every part of the offseason because it will still be about 5 or 10 seasons before anything starts to feel like a slog.
logpmess: My favorite part of the offseason was telling my brother that the offseason got pushed a month due to COVID. We love playing pranks on each other.
xist2inspire: Watching Quintin Kidd go purple/purple was exciting. I sure hope garbageman’s TC secret has nothing to do with him come next Training Camp.
NickMalone77: I had a heck of a time signing power forwards and centers. If anyone is looking to make a deal, I’ve still got a few guards that I will gladly pay you for more big men.
2. If you could do this offseason all over again, what is one approach you would change (if any)?
greepleairport: I definitely should’ve researched the Timberwolves before asking a question on their preseason presser.
MESSI_2.0: I really don’t see anything that went all too wrong for me.
letsplayhorse: It would’ve been nice to get Kevin Gray back. We really miss him in the locker room. Hope they’re treating him ok in Sacramento.
Eazy P: I would change my TC settings and hope that Grayson Allen got hit a little harder. He’s still too good for it to be fair for the rest of the league.
#78: I would put more points into training Modestine Degrimonpon, but let’s be honest. He doesn’t really need it.
the_syndicate: If I could do this offseason over, I would spend less time welcoming a new life into the world and more time building a time machine so I could get Norris Turney back. You can always re-go-back-in-time and have a kid, but you can’t get a solid rookie player back to pair with David Leiker by trading your child...well, you can, but garbageman was unwilling to send back 10 points as well.
ballsohard: If I would’ve known the rest of the conference was going to be pure garbage, I would’ve put together a win-now team where Dominick Cobb still would’ve been putting up the same numbers in case you’re interested.
digiskunk: I wouldn’t have let that guy panhandling outside of CVS cut off my finger just because he said he was Yakuza. Or at least not the SAME finger.
JNR: I would’ve quit my job so I could have access to the forums.
RPF: I would’ve insured Jamaal Patrick. Nothing else really went wrong.
drkavarga: My tax bill’s kind of high, but once I get those preseason presser points, I should be in good shape.
PaulyP: I would’ve loved to have the cap space to retain Josh Hart, but I don’t want to be in the same mess that the Knicks are in.
xist2inspire: I really missed out on getting a 7’0” tall SF. Maybe I’ll train Shareef O’Neal’s quickness at the all star break…
NOLa.: It would be nice to get another 2036 lotto pick or two.
MexicanMamba: If I’d only signed 5 more vet mins, I could eventually move them to get Carl Howard back.
LoCo89: I would’ve taken over the Suns.
NickMalone77: I regret offering reasonable deals to Conrad McRae and Jack Fredericks. I’ve learned my lesson, and I’ll never sign any external RFAs if I don’t max the shit out of them.
KeepIt100: For a new guy, I think I did pretty well, but I don’t want to upstage GMs who have been here a while, so maybe I shouldn’t have gotten the hang of things so quickly.
IamQuailman: I should’ve only offered Gary $10 to deliver my vial of semen.
logpmess: I never anonymously suggested to KeepIt100 that there should be an end of season award for having the highest paid red/red player on your roster.
AngryBanana: I should have never told garbageman it was ok to edit his Sim Vegas entry until the deadline.
Soundwave: I wish I’d paid off my tax bill before UFA, but I also don’t really care.
false9: I wish I’d have kept my pick.
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
3. Who's your favorite player on your team that doesn't have purple or blue potential?
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
MexicanMamba: Anyone who isn’t blue potential is just salary towards a player who is blue potential. I don’t even learn their names.
Soundwave: Spiderman, <expletive deleted>!
KeepIt100: Tyler Ulis. That explains why I offered a y/y guy more than a min on day 1 of UFA.
LoCo89: 10 points.
AngryBanana: Well, Oliver Dennis really slimmed down to his vet min contract like Christian Bale preparing for a role, so I’ll say Basil Garden, who I’m going to keep signing because I like his name.
drkavarga: Collin Sexton because I have a ton of sex with the girls in room 20-907 of the Palazzo. Oh yeah.
BowToTheBill23: Brian May. I wish him the best as he recovers from his heart attack and his shredded butt. Get well soon.
greepleairport: Jerry West next year.
letsplayhorse: I love all of my players. I’d play them all 48 minutes if I could.
#78: If you’re not a blue player, I’m really only interested in transfusing your blood into Al Horford, who has turned 73 years old since the last question.
RPF: Benny Prouty. Even though he got hit in TC last season, I still couldn’t bring myself to decline his rookie option in time.
xist2inspire: Lawrence Brunette, who is the tallest non-blue player on my team. He will see some minutes at SF.
JNR: Zylan Cheatham. Maybe he’s not blue anymore, but he can score points and be a defensive liability with the most average of them.
IamQuailman: Bertram Pugh. Who doesn’t like taking a nice slimy pugh onto his own chest once in a while?
PaulyP: His name might be Christopher Fortunato, but with his reasonable contract, I like to call him Christopher Not-A-Fortune! Zing!
the_syndicate: It WAS Jere Ratliff. Told you he’d go green potential!
ballsohard: James Shaffer...if other GMs didn’t pay so much attention to color, they’d know he’s a great piece for any competing team with 40mm and a decent rookie contract player to spare.
Eazy P: Charlie Porter, but not as much as he likes signing with me on value contracts.
NickMalone77: It’s a tie between Durant Badham, Joe Furtell, Clemente Torres, and Wilburn Clark.
MESSI_2.0: Craig Brooks, who has stayed o/g for four seasons now, and through Suns training camps, will undoubtedly go o/p, which are coincidentally the Suns colors.
false9: Tyler Bibb...the Cristobal Santos of today’s Orlando Magic.
digiskunk: There’s probably a player on my team named Dickie Wankenshaft or something, and if there isn’t, that’s still my answer.
logpmess: Ronald Small.
4. We’re very early on in the season. What do you need to do going forward?
ballsohard: I’d like to surround Dominick Cobb with some players who never shoot to get him some more touches. His usage rate is only slightly more than 8% higher than Quintin Kidd, who’s the purple/purple player with the highest usage rate, so that could stand to come up some.
BowToTheBill23: Ideally, I’d like to play my handful of blue and green players no more than guys like Winfred Phelps because playing time should be equal regardless of color, talent, or salary.
MESSI_2.0: Just have to keep accumulating points and being inactive until someone finally proposes a rule change that won’t allow some noob to inherit a team with three purple potential players and 500 points to run roughshod over the league.
#78: Gotta get the ball to Degrimonpon.
AngryBanana: Need to set a reminder on my calendar to decline Ernie Acuna’s team option.
LoCo89: Gotta see if anyone wants Kyle Kuzma or Brandon Clarke for 400 points.
JNR: I need to find a backdoor into the system so I can access the forums again...or download Tapatalk on my phone.
PaulyP: Just need to hope that every sim is as good as my first sim!
the_syndicate: I need to do the Strength of Schedule spreadsheet so I can feel good about the claims that the Nuggets are a surefire playoff team after a 6-2 sim with wins against almost all five teams that only have one win so far.
letsplayhorse: I need to sign James Terry off of the free agents list immediately!
false9: Boban 2.0.
MexicanMamba: I just need to win a championship or I’m going to spend more money until I do. You can take away my RFA rights and my bird rights and my ability to sign free agents for more than a min, but you can never take away my freedom…….to sign vet min after vet min and trade them away for blue and green players that teams who don’t want to pay the tax after only having them on my roster for one sim.
IamQuailman: I need to download more Mucinex commercials to masturbate to.
digiskunk: Ah Frye...I gotta finish delivering that semen vial.
LHamilton: (COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT)
drkavarga: I just need to post the word “Recommend” on the forums 11 more times this season.
NickMalone77: I’m going to need to make several trades before I go into a withdrawal severe enough to warrant medical attention.
RPF: I just need to hold onto Jamaal Patrick in case I need to expose someone to an expansion team next season.
greeple_airport: Really gotta cross my fingers that Jerry West doesn’t break his leg a third time.
Eazy P: I’ve gotta take imaginary ring measurements on my imaginary hand.
KeepIt100: I have to train James Wiseman at the all star break as much as I can before he goes purple and I can’t train him anymore.
logpmess: I should probably make some trades or something. I’ve got more rookie contract players than you can shake a stick at, and the rest of my team is just worthless salary. If only there was someone putting up 40 points a game who could be had.
NOLa.: I’ll have to monetize this league by making custom Renato Mosher jerseys and selling them on the internet.
5. There have already been 100 responses in total to the previous four questions, and this article is starting to drag on a little bit. Is everyone cool with me just asking four questions? I think this is already an article of the year candidate, and I don’t want to bloat it with a bunch of uninspired garbage, especially since I’ve exhausted the comedic fodder for most, if not all, of the GMs depicted here by question two or three. Besides, I’m at north of 2,600 words right now, and I feel like I can get this to nine points easily by making this question super long and having all the GMs say something like “No, that’s fine with me” or whatever variations there are of that. Maybe 10 points. Who knows? If not, I’ll just do 3 more memes than I would’ve and been capped anyway. So, yeah...is everyone cool with that?
IamQuailman: Yeah, but my slimy ass will hand-count this article to make sure you don’t get credit for words that were ripped directly from my questions or extra bonus words you threw in to increase the word count like when you said “Zing!” after that Christopher Fortunato pun. You should also not get any points for any of the things I’ve said as those are direct quotes whereas all the other GMs were satire. I’m covered in pustules and I love to poke them with hot pins and slurp up the discharge.
KeepIt100: Fine with me.
#78: Same here.
AngryBanana: Yep. Great article!
MESSI_2.0: Wait...I’m looking at my roster page right now, and I think there’s time for one more question. Where’s De’Aaron Fox?
drkavarga: Alright, alright, alright!
false9: Sure. Feel free to claim 100 points.
Eazy P: I’m voting this for article of the year for sure.
logpmess: Yep. Me too.
the_syndicate: Agreed. Another question would be overkill.
Soundwave: For once, I agree with Ryan.
NOLa.: All good here.
NickMalone77: Yep. Thanks for including me!
RPF: That’s fine.
PaulyP: Same!
LoCo89: Yeah. Well done.
BowToTheBill23: Good time to call it. Getting sleepy over here.
greeple_airport: Loved the article. You’ve done it again!
JNR: Have to say...even more media entry of the year worthy than Horns and Fangs.
ballsohard: Glad I came back for this. You truly commissioned PBSL to new heights.
xist2inspire: Nicely done!
letsplayhorse: Even though I will never read this article, I will vote for it in the year end awards.
MexicanMamba: Me too.
LHamilton: Actually, I’d just like to add a thing or two before we wrap this all up. I’ve been silently watching you all run your little teams from the sidelines for quite a few seasons now, and though I may not respond to your PMs, and I may only ever reach out to The Negotiator with my bids, I’ve been scouting each and every one of you. I know your habits, your tendencies, and most importantly, your blind spots. When the time is right to strike, the Cleveland Cavaliers will rise from their hibernation and unleash a seasonslong run so overpowering that it will ruin any chance anyone else has of ever having fun in this league again. Enjoy your Past Champions page now, because soon enough it will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the webpage that says “Cleveland Cavaliers” on it the most times. I’ll have so many rings that my fingers will be more gold than skin, and it’ll sting when I pimp slap your sorry asses for having the insolence to write me off as a background character in what many of you consider a hobby. The day of reckoning draws nigh and the four horsemen of the apocalypse will be named Roland, Ridley, Ronald, and Brad. No GM will be spared our wrath. For I am Lhamilton, vanquisher of the ignorant, penetrator of dreams, devourer of souls!
digiskunk: ...and delivered. Well, not really. I ended up drinking some toilet wine with a real nice hobo I met and offered him my 2037 draft pick if he delivered it for me. Close enough, though. Anyway, what’d I miss?
