BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO PRESENTS: All-Star Weekend's Super Horror Remake Beatdown Jamboree
Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:52 am
Let's face it, I need points. Due to this fact, you all get a nonsensical article that will be forced to tie-in to our beloved league. Another thing to face is that due to this quarantine and being out of work for the time being, I have had a lot of time to watch movies. Horror movies are my favorite genre and so, as I sit here and half watch 2003's Freddy vs. Jason (possibly the movie that I am most amazed ever actually got made), this article idea popped into my brain. What is the premise of this article, you may wonder? Well, I am going to list who I see as the All-Star Game participants (5 starters, 1 reserve) by positions and compare them against each other while also comparing classic horror movies with their reboots/remakes. I honestly have no idea exactly how this will take shape from this point on, but Freddy Krueger's head was just sliced off and his decapitated head just winked at the camera (as Jason Voorhees carried it out of Crystal Lake), signaling the end of the movie so I guess I can focus solely on writing this as I decide which movie to put in next.
Honestly, you probably will want to stop reading now to save yourself
THE THING (Center)
Omega: Boban Marjanovic, Clippers (26.7 PPG 10.8 REBS 3.6 BLKS 29.2 PER)
Alpha: Wanderlei Silva, Lakers (20.7 PPG 8.3 REB 3.2 BLKS 20.5 PER)
I will be completely upfront about my choice between both these two players and these two movies: It won't be close. Mr. Silva honestly deserves better than to be tied to 2011's reboot/prequel of John Carpenter's 1982 classic The Thing because he has been and continues to be a great player (while that movie most certainly is not). I am putting these movies in for two reasons. 1) John Carpenter's The Thing is my favorite horror movie. 2) It fits that I would choose that movie over any other remake (or horror movie in general) just as I would pick Boban over any other big man. 3) (Hey, I know I said TWO but this is my article and I am bad at match) It is cheating to put these movies here just like it is cheating to place Boban in the Center category when he has played PF since sim 2.
(Side note: I decided to watch The Evil Dead 2 after finishing Freddy vs. Jason, and Bruce Campbell's chin was always majestic)
If you have never seen John Carpenter's The Thing let me give you a quick rundown. Set in Antarctica, at an American research facility, a group of scientists are holed up during a typically harsh winter when they are abruptly interrupted by gunfire outside. A foreign scientist from a nearby facility has followed a dog to their camp, with every intention of killing it. After the Americans, led by Kurt Russell, kill the man and take in the dog, they begin to discover that not everything is as it seems ... with their Norwegian scientists they've found or their new pet.
The first thing to mention about this movie is the atmosphere. As someone who is from Ohio and lived 7 years in Alaska, I can honestly say that I FEEL the icy chill of winter when watching the movie. I hate winter and snow and ice and anything below 50 degrees, so that type of immersive environment makes me feel the stakes even more. Two things that are not cold? Kurt Russell's glorious beard and Boban's shooting from the 3-point line this season, where he is currently hitting at a 41% clip which would be a career high. In fact, even in year 10, Boban is still evolving his game. In addition to his perimeter shooting, Boban is also on pace for career highs in rebounds, blocks, assists and steals while having his lowest usage since his 3rd season in the league.
Speaking of evolution, The Thing is perhaps best known for its fantastic creature designs. If you're unaware, the creatures in this movie are able to take the form of any lifeform that they come into contact with. However, that changing process (or when threatened) can become incredibly gruesome with it taking multiple forms all at once as it attempts to change. My first viewing of this movie was in an English class in my Junior Year of High School and a fantastically grotesque sequence involving missing arms and a defibrillator made me embarrassingly jump in my seat in the middle of class, instantly making The Thing one of my favorites since I have only been truly terrified of one film in my life (Pet Semetary), so it is difficult to pull that type of response from me.
(Still watching Evil Dead 2, and I forgot just how much this was really a one-man show. I prefer the original to this sequel due to the more serious tone of the first but there is no denying that the years between the two movies did wonders for both Campbell's acting and Sam Rami's directing chops. Good thing no one wanted to hire them to do much else besides an Evil Dead sequel at this point since the first made so much money!)
The 2011 prequel but actually a reboot of The Thing takes a different angle by telling the story of the Norwegian base (which still stars Americans) that kick starts the original movie. While there are some good performances in it, and excitement over the promise of what telling that story could be, the movie ended up simply re-doing bits that we had already seen done better in the original but in a less effective way by using too much CGI and getting away from the amazing practical effects work that Carpenter had in 1982 (that also look way better than 2011 CGI).
And that may be my favorite way to compare Silva and Boban in this article. Silva will give you some great play, and some of what you can get from Boban, but there is a clear edge in quality, quantity and efficiency for Boban.
WINNER: Boban Marjanovic/John Carpenter's The Thing
HALLOWEEN (Power Forward)
Omega: RJ Barrett, Raptors - 25.4 PPG 11.6 REBS 3.9 BLKS 28.1 PER
Alpha: Jaren Jackson Jr., Magic - 19.5 PPG 8.3 REBS 2.2 BLKS 19.8 PER ** 1st Appearance **
** Cancel this whole section since JJJ is moving conferences **
To quote Charlie Murphy when discussing his basketball team's chances against Prince ... "It's not like it was even close. It was a landslide victory.". I have had Jaren Jackson on my roster before and so I have a personal attachment to the dude, and legit, 19 points, 8 boards and 2 blocks is nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, RJ Barrett is a straight killer (pun intended) and an MVP favorite (not to mention reigning champion). Barrett leads the league in rebounds, is top 5 in blocks and top 10 in scoring while having to share scoring responsibilities with another MVP candidate in Bjorn Ironside.
In this instance, RJ Barrett is John Carpenter's original Halloween (obviously, right?) and Triple J is Rob Zombie's remake. Again, I had an emotional attachment with Zombie going into my first viewing of his version of Halloween due to liking some of his music and really liking his first film, House of 1000 Corpses, but genuinely loving the sequel, The Devil's Rejects. While I did not feel Halloween needed a remake, I was down for giving a filmmaker I liked a chance to show us something new. In this case, it was better to just leave things alone. Zombie turned the Michael Myer's story into a generic, violent trailer trash backstory and I prefer my twisted William Shatner to have mystery behind his madness. Though not a total dud, Rob Zombie's vision could not hold a candle to what came before it.
RJ Barrett is about to treat Jackson (or whoever actually gets the nod in this spot) like Michael Myers treats babysitters on Halloween night.
WINNER: RJ Barrett / John Carpenter's Halloween
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (Small Forward)
Omega: Bjorn Ironside, Raptors - 25.9 PPG 4.4 ASTS .504 3P%/.727 TS% 27.9 PER
Alpha: Grayson Allen, Spurs – 25.7 PPG 9.4 REBS 3.3 ASTS 22.1 PER
For this match-up, I chose to attach Texas Chainsaw Massacre here because, unlike the first two match-ups, I actually find both of these movies (and players) to both be incredibly exciting. I do believe there is a clear winner here, and let’s be honest: so do you, but if you just look at their raw statistical averages it looks incredibly close. Hell, Allen leads in rebounding and their scoring is almost identical. Once you look closely though, you see that Ironside is just otherworldly efficient right now. He is shooting over 50% from 3 (leading the league), 89% from the free-throw line (6th), 61% from the floor (3rd but the top 2 don’t shoot at the same volume) and a robust 72% True Shooting percentage. All of those numbers would be career highs, as well as his 119.6 Offensive Efficiency Rating. Surprisingly enough, he is also doing this with the lowest minutes per game of his career. So, while Allen is top 6 in scoring, averaging more rebounds and is also shooting a career high at the 3-point line, there is a gap between the two.
I don’t have any clever comparisons for the players and these movies or the main baddie, Leatherface. These are two efficient, smooth players and Leatherface is a powerful brute who cuts the faces off of his victims and wears them to hide his own disfigured face. There is not even a comparison between my choice of movie and choice of player, because while I think the choice of player is obvious, my favorite between these two movies is typically met with more backlash because I prefer the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre to the original :: input shrug emoji ::
Like Ironside, 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a very polished final product. It gets flak for this from the horror community because it chose this route in the face of the original’s grittier, grainier aesthetic which gave that film a very real feel to it, as if you were watching lost footage of something truly horrific. Personally? I loved the glossy look of the remake. It felt like the creators of the movie put time, money and effort into creating a worthwhile reboot of a franchise that had long ago lost its way and went headfirst into utter ridiculousness (Check out TCM: The Next Generation if you don’t believe me. And if you do, enjoy a young Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger slumming it).
The remake also had a great cast with lead characters that you could actually like and root for. A youthful Jessica Biel led the charge as the movie’s “final girl” and let me tell you, she sure knows how to rock tight jeans and a white tank top. R. Lee Ermy also shows up to chew all the scenery (it was either that or bubble gum … and he was all out of bubble gum) as one <expletive deleted> up Sheriff. It also ramped up the gore factor. It surprises people to learn that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was actually not very bloody or gruesome. It cuts away a lot before showing the violence firsthand but our brains fill in those blanks so well that it always feels like a more brutal film than it actually is.
So, in conclusion, I love both of these movies and both of these players. But, for my money, there’s clear winners in both categories.
WINNER: Bjorn Ironside / Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003
(Evil Dead 2 is just now ending and the complete absurdity of the ending and how Ash is transferred back in time, chainsaw arm and shotgun in hand) is absolutely ridiculous but also part of its enduring charm. Oh, and since we’re on the subject of The Evil Dead … )
THE EVIL DEAD (Shooting Guard)
Omega: Phil Brooks, Pelicans - 27.3 PPG (league leader) 6.5 ASTS 5.3 REBS 22.9 PER
Alpha: Slim Jenkins, Nets – 24.6 PPG 4.4 ASTS 2.7 STLS 19.8 PER **1st Appearance**
(Next movie I’m watching to finish off writing this is Jaws, which is in my top 5 of favorite movies of all-time and oftentimes #1 but my list fluctuates based on my mood. I’ve loved this movie so long, and sharks in general, that after seeing it for the first time I would have my mom recite the movie to me as a bedtime story. And that was just last week.)
Though the Nets have the Luka Doncic acquisition to thank for a division title push after missing the playoffs last season, it is Slim Jenkins that gets the All-Star starting nod in this space due to less competition at the position. Jenkins leads the team in points and is averaging a career high in assists and steals. Simply put, he is playing like a guy who really wants to make his first All-Star game appearance in a big way, much like Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi burst onto the scene when they went to an abandoned cabin with a shoestring budget and created a horror classic. (Let me add that this spot is probably going to Jerry West, but I want some freshness, dammit!)
Do you want to know what I enjoy even more than that horror classic? (You don’t but I’m going to tell you anyways) It’s remake. The Evil Dead, directed by Fede Alvarez and produced by Sam Rami and Bruce Campbell, was a surprise hit when it came out in 2013. Prior to release it was not widely accepted by the fanbase due to many people’s blind hatred of any remake though the trailers did pique some interest. What came out, in my eyes, is one of the best horror movies (not just horror remakes) we’ve gotten in a decade. It went back to the serious, darker tone of the original Evil Dead (that the sequels ditched) but pushed the envelope even further. A great young cast, stylish directing, and fun nods to the original helped the Evil Dead remake earn praise throughout the horror community. It’s a better acted, better looking, and more exciting film than its predecessor with a completely balls-out ending that I love to re-visit.
Oh, and I also prefer Phil Brooks to Slim Jenkins too. Brooks was a surprise addition in the off-season to the Pelicans and is paying immediate dividends. He currently leads the league in scoring and in this head-to-head match-up, he also leads Jenkins in assists and PER. Phil is also producing this way while also having to continue to adjust on the fly to new teammates as the Pelicans are busy working trade after trade. I don’t know if I’d call this a runaway or not, but I definitely lean to one side on both aspects of this argument.
WINNER: Phil Brooks / The Evil Deadd (2013)
THE HILLS HAVE EYES (Point Guard)
Omega: James Shaffer, Pistons - 22.0PPG 9.3 ASTS 6.2 REBS 18.1 PER **1st Appearance**
Alpha: Bryce Dejean-Jones, Kings – 16.2 PPG 11.8 ASTS 6.9 REBS 2.7 STLS 23.6 PER
If I had not already quoted Charlie Murphy, I’d do it again because this one is not close at all. And again, it is how I feel about comparing these two movies as well. I am putting Shaffer in this spot over De’Aron Fox only because of injuries though I don’t know if the SIM will do the same. Silky Johnson could very easily go here as well, but Shaffer leads him in a handful of categories and I just wanted to get another brand-new face on the roster. Shaffer is having a fine season, but BDJ is the best and most versatile Point Guard in the league and is leading a budding powerhouse whereas Shaffer is stuck on the rudderless Pistons.
BDJ is the 2006 Hills Have Eyes Remake and Shaffer is Wes Craven’s original. In regards to the movies, some people confuse old with classic, and while Craven’s movie (pre-Nightmare on Elm Street) is definitely old, it is far from a classic though still an effective film. The remake is better crafted, well-acted, has a tighter script and most importantly has far more tension than the original.
There’s a particularly tense scene where the mutated freak family ambushes an unsuspecting family by using confusion and misdirection to separate them then they attack from all angles. That is representative of BDJ’s game. He comes at you from every damn angle that he can and he does all of them at an elite level. When he is finished with you, you might feel like you have had a pick axe driven through your skull too.
WINNER: Bryce DeJean-Jones / Hills Have Eyes (2006)
REC/QUARANTINE (Reserves)
Omega: Glen Sabo, Clippers - 21.3 PPG 10.2 REBS 3.3 BLKS 22.2 PER
Alpha: Ja Morant, Bucks – 15.4 PPG 12.1 ASTS (League Leader) .429 3P% **1st Appearance**
Now, the bonus round here is the key reserves for both sides. In movie-land, I chose two movies that fit in very well in today’s pandemic driven climate. The movie [REC] is a Spanish found footage zombie film released in 2007. Due to American audience’s struggle with watching foreign language films (doing two things at once is hard), it was quickly remade in English as Quarantine. The plot for both films, which are mostly identical, revolves around a news reporter who is following a fire crew for one night for a story. Their first call of the night takes them to a small apartment complex for a medical emergency. Things quickly turn sour when a sick resident attacks a police officer and the virus begins to spread. Meanwhile, the building is quarantined by the police, CDC, and other government agencies leaving the residents trapped inside with no help, no information, and a growing, violent threat.
I find both of these movies to be chilling. The original was so good however that I don’t feel like a remake was at all necessary one-year later simply because audiences don’t want to read. Also unnecessary was this entire article and adding reserves, but let me pad my stats a little bit here, okay?
I was surprised at how much I loved [REC] when I first saw it and then again was surprised by how much care was taken with the American remake. Similarly, I think I have been pleasantly surprised by just how well both Sabo and Morant have played this season when given even more of an opportunity to shine with their new teams. Sabo came to me last season but it was mid-season and then injuries got in the way. Morant is leading the league in assists while also having career highs in points, assists and 3-points percentage, more than earning an All-Star berth. Sabo is also having a career season, with new highs in points, rebounds, FG% and blocks as well as leading my team in +/-.
Both players are playing absolutely fantastic, but I will give the slight nod to Morant who has to run the whole offense and does not have the reigning MVP to fall back on.
WINNER: Ja Morant / [REC]
CONCLUSION:
I couldn’t sleep last night. I love horror movies. None of you should read this. I needed the points. The Omega conference is about to tear Alpha’s ass up!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, Chief Brody, Quint and Hooper are about to get on The Orca and hunt this damn shark down!
“Show me the way to go home … I’m tired and I want to go to bed …”
**Word Count, so you don’t have to read his whole thing or count them out: 3,000+**
Honestly, you probably will want to stop reading now to save yourself
THE THING (Center)
Omega: Boban Marjanovic, Clippers (26.7 PPG 10.8 REBS 3.6 BLKS 29.2 PER)
Alpha: Wanderlei Silva, Lakers (20.7 PPG 8.3 REB 3.2 BLKS 20.5 PER)
I will be completely upfront about my choice between both these two players and these two movies: It won't be close. Mr. Silva honestly deserves better than to be tied to 2011's reboot/prequel of John Carpenter's 1982 classic The Thing because he has been and continues to be a great player (while that movie most certainly is not). I am putting these movies in for two reasons. 1) John Carpenter's The Thing is my favorite horror movie. 2) It fits that I would choose that movie over any other remake (or horror movie in general) just as I would pick Boban over any other big man. 3) (Hey, I know I said TWO but this is my article and I am bad at match) It is cheating to put these movies here just like it is cheating to place Boban in the Center category when he has played PF since sim 2.
(Side note: I decided to watch The Evil Dead 2 after finishing Freddy vs. Jason, and Bruce Campbell's chin was always majestic)
If you have never seen John Carpenter's The Thing let me give you a quick rundown. Set in Antarctica, at an American research facility, a group of scientists are holed up during a typically harsh winter when they are abruptly interrupted by gunfire outside. A foreign scientist from a nearby facility has followed a dog to their camp, with every intention of killing it. After the Americans, led by Kurt Russell, kill the man and take in the dog, they begin to discover that not everything is as it seems ... with their Norwegian scientists they've found or their new pet.
The first thing to mention about this movie is the atmosphere. As someone who is from Ohio and lived 7 years in Alaska, I can honestly say that I FEEL the icy chill of winter when watching the movie. I hate winter and snow and ice and anything below 50 degrees, so that type of immersive environment makes me feel the stakes even more. Two things that are not cold? Kurt Russell's glorious beard and Boban's shooting from the 3-point line this season, where he is currently hitting at a 41% clip which would be a career high. In fact, even in year 10, Boban is still evolving his game. In addition to his perimeter shooting, Boban is also on pace for career highs in rebounds, blocks, assists and steals while having his lowest usage since his 3rd season in the league.
Speaking of evolution, The Thing is perhaps best known for its fantastic creature designs. If you're unaware, the creatures in this movie are able to take the form of any lifeform that they come into contact with. However, that changing process (or when threatened) can become incredibly gruesome with it taking multiple forms all at once as it attempts to change. My first viewing of this movie was in an English class in my Junior Year of High School and a fantastically grotesque sequence involving missing arms and a defibrillator made me embarrassingly jump in my seat in the middle of class, instantly making The Thing one of my favorites since I have only been truly terrified of one film in my life (Pet Semetary), so it is difficult to pull that type of response from me.
(Still watching Evil Dead 2, and I forgot just how much this was really a one-man show. I prefer the original to this sequel due to the more serious tone of the first but there is no denying that the years between the two movies did wonders for both Campbell's acting and Sam Rami's directing chops. Good thing no one wanted to hire them to do much else besides an Evil Dead sequel at this point since the first made so much money!)
The 2011 prequel but actually a reboot of The Thing takes a different angle by telling the story of the Norwegian base (which still stars Americans) that kick starts the original movie. While there are some good performances in it, and excitement over the promise of what telling that story could be, the movie ended up simply re-doing bits that we had already seen done better in the original but in a less effective way by using too much CGI and getting away from the amazing practical effects work that Carpenter had in 1982 (that also look way better than 2011 CGI).
And that may be my favorite way to compare Silva and Boban in this article. Silva will give you some great play, and some of what you can get from Boban, but there is a clear edge in quality, quantity and efficiency for Boban.
WINNER: Boban Marjanovic/John Carpenter's The Thing
HALLOWEEN (Power Forward)
Omega: RJ Barrett, Raptors - 25.4 PPG 11.6 REBS 3.9 BLKS 28.1 PER
Alpha: Jaren Jackson Jr., Magic - 19.5 PPG 8.3 REBS 2.2 BLKS 19.8 PER ** 1st Appearance **
** Cancel this whole section since JJJ is moving conferences **
To quote Charlie Murphy when discussing his basketball team's chances against Prince ... "It's not like it was even close. It was a landslide victory.". I have had Jaren Jackson on my roster before and so I have a personal attachment to the dude, and legit, 19 points, 8 boards and 2 blocks is nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, RJ Barrett is a straight killer (pun intended) and an MVP favorite (not to mention reigning champion). Barrett leads the league in rebounds, is top 5 in blocks and top 10 in scoring while having to share scoring responsibilities with another MVP candidate in Bjorn Ironside.
In this instance, RJ Barrett is John Carpenter's original Halloween (obviously, right?) and Triple J is Rob Zombie's remake. Again, I had an emotional attachment with Zombie going into my first viewing of his version of Halloween due to liking some of his music and really liking his first film, House of 1000 Corpses, but genuinely loving the sequel, The Devil's Rejects. While I did not feel Halloween needed a remake, I was down for giving a filmmaker I liked a chance to show us something new. In this case, it was better to just leave things alone. Zombie turned the Michael Myer's story into a generic, violent trailer trash backstory and I prefer my twisted William Shatner to have mystery behind his madness. Though not a total dud, Rob Zombie's vision could not hold a candle to what came before it.
RJ Barrett is about to treat Jackson (or whoever actually gets the nod in this spot) like Michael Myers treats babysitters on Halloween night.
WINNER: RJ Barrett / John Carpenter's Halloween
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (Small Forward)
Omega: Bjorn Ironside, Raptors - 25.9 PPG 4.4 ASTS .504 3P%/.727 TS% 27.9 PER
Alpha: Grayson Allen, Spurs – 25.7 PPG 9.4 REBS 3.3 ASTS 22.1 PER
For this match-up, I chose to attach Texas Chainsaw Massacre here because, unlike the first two match-ups, I actually find both of these movies (and players) to both be incredibly exciting. I do believe there is a clear winner here, and let’s be honest: so do you, but if you just look at their raw statistical averages it looks incredibly close. Hell, Allen leads in rebounding and their scoring is almost identical. Once you look closely though, you see that Ironside is just otherworldly efficient right now. He is shooting over 50% from 3 (leading the league), 89% from the free-throw line (6th), 61% from the floor (3rd but the top 2 don’t shoot at the same volume) and a robust 72% True Shooting percentage. All of those numbers would be career highs, as well as his 119.6 Offensive Efficiency Rating. Surprisingly enough, he is also doing this with the lowest minutes per game of his career. So, while Allen is top 6 in scoring, averaging more rebounds and is also shooting a career high at the 3-point line, there is a gap between the two.
I don’t have any clever comparisons for the players and these movies or the main baddie, Leatherface. These are two efficient, smooth players and Leatherface is a powerful brute who cuts the faces off of his victims and wears them to hide his own disfigured face. There is not even a comparison between my choice of movie and choice of player, because while I think the choice of player is obvious, my favorite between these two movies is typically met with more backlash because I prefer the 2003 remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre to the original :: input shrug emoji ::
Like Ironside, 2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a very polished final product. It gets flak for this from the horror community because it chose this route in the face of the original’s grittier, grainier aesthetic which gave that film a very real feel to it, as if you were watching lost footage of something truly horrific. Personally? I loved the glossy look of the remake. It felt like the creators of the movie put time, money and effort into creating a worthwhile reboot of a franchise that had long ago lost its way and went headfirst into utter ridiculousness (Check out TCM: The Next Generation if you don’t believe me. And if you do, enjoy a young Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger slumming it).
The remake also had a great cast with lead characters that you could actually like and root for. A youthful Jessica Biel led the charge as the movie’s “final girl” and let me tell you, she sure knows how to rock tight jeans and a white tank top. R. Lee Ermy also shows up to chew all the scenery (it was either that or bubble gum … and he was all out of bubble gum) as one <expletive deleted> up Sheriff. It also ramped up the gore factor. It surprises people to learn that the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre was actually not very bloody or gruesome. It cuts away a lot before showing the violence firsthand but our brains fill in those blanks so well that it always feels like a more brutal film than it actually is.
So, in conclusion, I love both of these movies and both of these players. But, for my money, there’s clear winners in both categories.
WINNER: Bjorn Ironside / Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003
(Evil Dead 2 is just now ending and the complete absurdity of the ending and how Ash is transferred back in time, chainsaw arm and shotgun in hand) is absolutely ridiculous but also part of its enduring charm. Oh, and since we’re on the subject of The Evil Dead … )
THE EVIL DEAD (Shooting Guard)
Omega: Phil Brooks, Pelicans - 27.3 PPG (league leader) 6.5 ASTS 5.3 REBS 22.9 PER
Alpha: Slim Jenkins, Nets – 24.6 PPG 4.4 ASTS 2.7 STLS 19.8 PER **1st Appearance**
(Next movie I’m watching to finish off writing this is Jaws, which is in my top 5 of favorite movies of all-time and oftentimes #1 but my list fluctuates based on my mood. I’ve loved this movie so long, and sharks in general, that after seeing it for the first time I would have my mom recite the movie to me as a bedtime story. And that was just last week.)
Though the Nets have the Luka Doncic acquisition to thank for a division title push after missing the playoffs last season, it is Slim Jenkins that gets the All-Star starting nod in this space due to less competition at the position. Jenkins leads the team in points and is averaging a career high in assists and steals. Simply put, he is playing like a guy who really wants to make his first All-Star game appearance in a big way, much like Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi burst onto the scene when they went to an abandoned cabin with a shoestring budget and created a horror classic. (Let me add that this spot is probably going to Jerry West, but I want some freshness, dammit!)
Do you want to know what I enjoy even more than that horror classic? (You don’t but I’m going to tell you anyways) It’s remake. The Evil Dead, directed by Fede Alvarez and produced by Sam Rami and Bruce Campbell, was a surprise hit when it came out in 2013. Prior to release it was not widely accepted by the fanbase due to many people’s blind hatred of any remake though the trailers did pique some interest. What came out, in my eyes, is one of the best horror movies (not just horror remakes) we’ve gotten in a decade. It went back to the serious, darker tone of the original Evil Dead (that the sequels ditched) but pushed the envelope even further. A great young cast, stylish directing, and fun nods to the original helped the Evil Dead remake earn praise throughout the horror community. It’s a better acted, better looking, and more exciting film than its predecessor with a completely balls-out ending that I love to re-visit.
Oh, and I also prefer Phil Brooks to Slim Jenkins too. Brooks was a surprise addition in the off-season to the Pelicans and is paying immediate dividends. He currently leads the league in scoring and in this head-to-head match-up, he also leads Jenkins in assists and PER. Phil is also producing this way while also having to continue to adjust on the fly to new teammates as the Pelicans are busy working trade after trade. I don’t know if I’d call this a runaway or not, but I definitely lean to one side on both aspects of this argument.
WINNER: Phil Brooks / The Evil Deadd (2013)
THE HILLS HAVE EYES (Point Guard)
Omega: James Shaffer, Pistons - 22.0PPG 9.3 ASTS 6.2 REBS 18.1 PER **1st Appearance**
Alpha: Bryce Dejean-Jones, Kings – 16.2 PPG 11.8 ASTS 6.9 REBS 2.7 STLS 23.6 PER
If I had not already quoted Charlie Murphy, I’d do it again because this one is not close at all. And again, it is how I feel about comparing these two movies as well. I am putting Shaffer in this spot over De’Aron Fox only because of injuries though I don’t know if the SIM will do the same. Silky Johnson could very easily go here as well, but Shaffer leads him in a handful of categories and I just wanted to get another brand-new face on the roster. Shaffer is having a fine season, but BDJ is the best and most versatile Point Guard in the league and is leading a budding powerhouse whereas Shaffer is stuck on the rudderless Pistons.
BDJ is the 2006 Hills Have Eyes Remake and Shaffer is Wes Craven’s original. In regards to the movies, some people confuse old with classic, and while Craven’s movie (pre-Nightmare on Elm Street) is definitely old, it is far from a classic though still an effective film. The remake is better crafted, well-acted, has a tighter script and most importantly has far more tension than the original.
There’s a particularly tense scene where the mutated freak family ambushes an unsuspecting family by using confusion and misdirection to separate them then they attack from all angles. That is representative of BDJ’s game. He comes at you from every damn angle that he can and he does all of them at an elite level. When he is finished with you, you might feel like you have had a pick axe driven through your skull too.
WINNER: Bryce DeJean-Jones / Hills Have Eyes (2006)
REC/QUARANTINE (Reserves)
Omega: Glen Sabo, Clippers - 21.3 PPG 10.2 REBS 3.3 BLKS 22.2 PER
Alpha: Ja Morant, Bucks – 15.4 PPG 12.1 ASTS (League Leader) .429 3P% **1st Appearance**
Now, the bonus round here is the key reserves for both sides. In movie-land, I chose two movies that fit in very well in today’s pandemic driven climate. The movie [REC] is a Spanish found footage zombie film released in 2007. Due to American audience’s struggle with watching foreign language films (doing two things at once is hard), it was quickly remade in English as Quarantine. The plot for both films, which are mostly identical, revolves around a news reporter who is following a fire crew for one night for a story. Their first call of the night takes them to a small apartment complex for a medical emergency. Things quickly turn sour when a sick resident attacks a police officer and the virus begins to spread. Meanwhile, the building is quarantined by the police, CDC, and other government agencies leaving the residents trapped inside with no help, no information, and a growing, violent threat.
I find both of these movies to be chilling. The original was so good however that I don’t feel like a remake was at all necessary one-year later simply because audiences don’t want to read. Also unnecessary was this entire article and adding reserves, but let me pad my stats a little bit here, okay?
I was surprised at how much I loved [REC] when I first saw it and then again was surprised by how much care was taken with the American remake. Similarly, I think I have been pleasantly surprised by just how well both Sabo and Morant have played this season when given even more of an opportunity to shine with their new teams. Sabo came to me last season but it was mid-season and then injuries got in the way. Morant is leading the league in assists while also having career highs in points, assists and 3-points percentage, more than earning an All-Star berth. Sabo is also having a career season, with new highs in points, rebounds, FG% and blocks as well as leading my team in +/-.
Both players are playing absolutely fantastic, but I will give the slight nod to Morant who has to run the whole offense and does not have the reigning MVP to fall back on.
WINNER: Ja Morant / [REC]
CONCLUSION:
I couldn’t sleep last night. I love horror movies. None of you should read this. I needed the points. The Omega conference is about to tear Alpha’s ass up!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, Chief Brody, Quint and Hooper are about to get on The Orca and hunt this damn shark down!
“Show me the way to go home … I’m tired and I want to go to bed …”
**Word Count, so you don’t have to read his whole thing or count them out: 3,000+**
