#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

In 2019, businessman Harris Perry bought the Bulls. He cared little about winning. He didn't really know jack shit about basketball. All he wanted to do was make that sweet dough, hand over fist. Dollar dollar bill, y'all.

The press conference he held to kick off the season was austere, spartan, every expense was spared.

But as cheap as he was, Harris Perry knew a thing or two about business. He knew that if he was going to go false9 and flip a team in a year, he'd have to make sure that was a damn good team, and it ended up being the most successful Bulls team to date.

...until...




This year is different. The Bulls have a new owner in Eric Abramson, and he leads (co-) General Manager (of the year) Garbageman and the rest of the 2020 Chicago Bulls out to a nicely decorated stage in front of a packed crowd. He takes the mic first...



EA: Hello and welcome to the Chicago Bulls' first press conference of the 2020 season. I'm Bulls owner Eric Abramson, and I'm delighted to have been able to purchase the Bulls franchise. As a lifelong fan of the Chicago Bulls, I've been there for the bad times...some of which have lasted decades. I can truly say that this is the best Bulls team ever assembled. Last year, the Bulls went further than they've ever been before, a mere game away from the PBSL Finals. This year, we hope to go even further. Let me introduce to you, the man in charge of the plans to do that, the Bulls General Manager, Gar Bageman.

[There is polite applause from the press and fans at the event]

GM: Last season was an excellent season for the Chicago Bulls. We decided to push our chips in and trade Victor Oladipo and TJ Warren to the New Jersey Nets for Russell Westbrook, and Russ did a phenomenal job leading this team.

[Westbrook, looking fashionable as always in a suit that would look ridiculous on most anybody else, nods and waves at the acknowledgement.]

GM: We didn't quit against the Bobcats' superteam when we were down 1-3, and although the loss of Deandre Jordan due to injury changed the script in that series, it was still one hell of an uphill battle. After besting the team with the best record in the league in the Hawks, we felt what it was like to be on the receiving end of a 1-3 comeback against a fantastic Philadelphia 76ers team. For some of our best players, like Dennis and Vernon, this was their first playoff appearance, and their performances left us very optimistic about the longevity of the Bulls' success.

[VD is wearing a suit made out of RFA money while Dennis Smith, Jr. and his pasty Chris Kaman looking ass can only afford to wear shortpants and a tanktop made out of rookie contract money.]

GM: And of course, the biggest change we made this offseason was going out and getting Otto Porter, Jr. Otto will start at SF and between him and Russ, I don't think there are any two better players on the same team in the league. Otto and the Timberwolves organization meant about as much to each other as Danilo Gallinari and the Chicago Bulls. We wish Danilo--and Keith, of course-- the very best in Minnesota, but we're very excited to welcome Otto to the club and look forward to him becoming an integral part of Chicago Bulls culture.

[Otto grins and waves, wearing a regular suit.]

GM: We're also excited that so many of our role players came back to resign with us, and we did land a couple of new players we're very excited about. Along with Bismack Biyombo, our front court should be hugely bolstered by Boris Hailey and Nerlens Noel. We will get every rebound.

[The camera pans across a line of basketball players as Garbageman mentions them.]

GM: In short, our team is very good, and we would like to win a championship. Now I open the floor for questions.

GWR: You mentioned the relationship between Otto and Minnesota, and so has the Timberwolves GM in his own press conference. How has Otto adjusted to life away from Minneapolis?

JNR wrote: Thu Apr 19, 2018 5:24 pm GWR: You mentioned the relationship between Otto and Minnesota, and so has the Timberwolves GM in his own press conference. How has Otto adjusted to life away from Minneapolis?

GM: Otto, you want to handle this one?

OPJ: I've already put on 5 pounds because there's just so many good places to eat here. It's still the Midwest though, and it's still cold af, but I grew up in St. Louis, so it's all relatively close. I miss the people of Minnesota, y'all had great fans and I made a lot of friends in the Timberwolves organization, but I'm also excited for this new chapter in my career and to play on a team with Russ, Vernon, Bismack, Dennis and all the squad. Don't worry though, I'll be back to visit, and I'm looking forward to some matchups against Andrew Wiggins since we'll both be at that small forward spot.

Given Westbrook's age and your tax situation, is this year a failure if you don't win it all?

Also, can you please explain your own suit selection today?

[Gar Bageman, wearing a tuxedo made out of a black garbage bag and a white garbage bag, steps up to the podium to answer the question]

GM: Russ is only 31 years old, and was 1st team all league last year. We're confident that Westbrook is going to be competing at all league level this year and next year as well, so while this year's goal is to win the championship this year, next year's goal will be to win the championship next year regardless of what happens this year. Anything to add, Russ?

RW: Maybe check my Twitter in a minute.

There are some who would call the Bulls the favorite to win the East, if not the league this season. Just two seasons ago, this team was stuck in the lottery. To what do you attribute the quick turnaround?

WigNosy wrote: Thu Apr 19, 2018 6:36 pm There are some who would call the Bulls the favorite to win the East, if not the league this season. Just two seasons ago, this team was stuck in the lottery. To what do you attribute the quick turnaround?

GM: A number of things. Initially, we were planning on trying to have the team of Dennis, Vernon, Oladipo, TJ Warren, and Bismack Biyombo jell together, but while those are a lot of good players, Victor had a bad training camp and never really was able to be a consistent leader for the team.

Last season we noticed that both Dennis Smith and Vernon Desantis were starting the season off more productively than anyone else on the roster, and those guys were only 22 at the time. We knew they'd benefit from having a veteran player who could truly lead the team, and we were ecstatic to come to a deal with the Nets to bring in Russell Westbrook. From there, we were able to craft an identity as a team who could play gritty on the boards and in the paint on both ends of the floor as well as being a unit that could move the ball efficiently. I think we've continued to make some moves this offseason that'll make us an even tougher team to outwork.

It also helps that Vernon has grown into the player that he was projected to be and that Dennis has such an incredible mind for the game that he's only entering his third year and already one of the premiere floor leaders in the league. We were lucky that he fell all the way to 9th in the draft. He should have been long gone by then.

What happened to Kevin Matta during TC? He was a well-regarded player coming out of Alabama, so much so that the Bulls effectively traded Michael Carter-Williams, Charles Simmons and 7 points for him.

Last year I asked why you believed your team was a contender when bringing back the same roster that missed the playoffs. Over the course of last season and this offseason, there's definitely some turnover but the key guys remain. Do you believe this team is top-to-bottom the most talented in the league?

Wombataholic wrote: Fri Apr 20, 2018 7:31 am What happened to Kevin Matta during TC? He was a well-regarded player coming out of Alabama, so much so that the Bulls effectively traded Michael Carter-Williams, Charles Simmons and 7 points for him.

He had a bad training camp. It happens, but it's better that it happened to Kevin Matta than someone like Otto or Vernon. But make no mistake about it. We had to move Michael to bring in Otto, and we thought chancing it on a player on a cheap contract was better than nothing.

NOLa. wrote: Fri Apr 20, 2018 8:44 am Last year I asked why you believed your team was a contender when bringing back the same roster that missed the playoffs. Over the course of last season and this offseason, there's definitely some turnover but the key guys remain. Do you believe this team is top-to-bottom the most talented in the league?

Yes. That's what we're going for.

Boris Hailey was extremely productive last year for Houston and signed on as an anchor it seems for the 2nd unit here in Chicago. Do you see a role like that for him with the Bulls or what do you envision for the veteran forward?

NickMalone77 wrote: Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:41 am Boris Hailey was extremely productive last year for Houston and signed on as an anchor it seems for the 2nd unit here in Chicago. Do you see a role like that for him with the Bulls or what do you envision for the veteran forward?

Boris will be the first man off the bench to start out, and along with Nerlens, Vernon, and Bismack, we believe he contributes to a front court that is going to make our defense extremely formidable.

While he's capable of being a starter...and could potentially start some games for us...he'll be able to provide some offensive production for our second unit as well.

Who do you see as your biggest competition towards representing the East in the Finals?

Xist2Inspire wrote: Mon Apr 23, 2018 7:04 am Who do you see as your biggest competition towards representing the East in the Finals?

There are a lot of teams that could make the Finals, but the answer to this particular question is definitely the Pistons. The Wizards played a hell of a series to sweep a premiere team last season, but the Brow looks like he's coming back this season with a chip on his shoulder. The front office also got CJ McCollum for a song. They're a better team than they were last year.

It's not only a playoff matchup situation...it's also the season-long fight for the division title. That could affect seeding and put us in a worse matchup than we want to be in.