Inside the PBSL: Shaqtin' A Fool
Posted: Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:03 pm
Ernie Johnson: Welcome to the first ever installment of PBSL's very own Shaqtin' A Fool. On this program, we'll be taking a look back on some of the lowlights from the previous sim and point out players who under-performed. Who will be spared the embarrassment this time? Let's find out!
Who's behind curtain #1, Shaqster?
NOMINEE #1: Zach LaVine, Toronto Raptors (2/14/18) — 2 PTS (0-5, 0-3 from 3), 2 TRB, 4 AST in 24 MIN
Shaq: Erneh, what can I say? The Toronto Raptors went out of their way to get this young stud last sim, but I don't think they expected him to be putting up these kind of numbers: 2 points, 4 rebounds, and 4 assists in 24 minutes of play. Listen up, if you want to survive in this league you're gonna have to do a little bit better than that, young blood. This team went out of their way to get you because they knew what you were capable of, and this is the best you can do? 2 points? I know it's the New York Knicks and they're good and all, but c'mon now, you gotta try harder than that!
NOMINEE #2: Karl-Anthony Towns, Boston Celtics (2/13/18) — 4 PTS, 9 TRB, 2 AST, -27 in 32 MIN
Shaq: Now as much as I hate doing this, I feel I have to say something from one big man to another. Listen young fella, I understand you're new to this league and it's only your first season, but there's absolutely no reason why you were limited to just 4 points and 9 boards in 32 minutes. You gotta get up on that ass and show 'em who's boss, man. You gotta back him down in the paint and throw it down on him. If you wanna be a star in this league, you can start by showing some effort. It ain't that hard. Back in my day, I was averaging 24 points, 11 rebounds, and 2.4 assists in 34 minutes — and that was my rookie season!
NOMINEE #3: Danilo Gallinari, Brooklyn Nets (2/14/18) — 6 PTS (2-6), 2 TRB in 27 MIN
Shaq: What the hell is going on in Brooklyn, man? I swear Erneh, you got guys like Danilo Gallinari running around with the ball and they don't know what the hell to do with it. My man only threw up 6 points on 2-6 shooting with just 2 rebounds in 27 minutes of play. And that's for a plus/minus of -26, Erneh. That's just ass, man, that's trash. It wouldn't have been so bad if he were able to throw up some more rebounds and assists but he was so busy signing autographs on the sideline that he totally forgot he was supposed to be playing a game. The Nets are a good team, but this loss was all on him. All on him.
NOMINEE #4: John Guy, Utah Jazz (2/01/18) — 16 PTS, 0 TRB, 1 TO, 3 PF, -43
Shaq: Hold up, I knew the Utah Jazz had been bad this season, but I didn't think it was gonna be this bad. Their players are so bad you have guys like John Guy casually putting up 16 points a night while grabbing absolutely no rebounds and playing no defense in 26 minutes of play. I swear man, you can't write this sh!t up, it's almost as if they're doing it on purpose. The offense, that's nice, you know a big man like me loves those kind of numbers. But when I see that plus/minus rating of -43, I know you gave up on your team on the defensive end. John Guy must have thought that Thanksgiving came early this year because he was really STUFFING the stat sheet that night. Get outta here and learn to play, man.
NOMINEE #5: Harrison Barnes, Sacramento Kings (2/08/18) — 5 PTS (2-6), 1 TRB, 1 AST, 5 PF
Shaq: While the Wizards and Kings battled it out on the court last week, Harrison Barnes spent the evening revising his fantasy role as Natalee Holloway, because he completely disappeared out there. This dude is averaging 15 points per game, and he comes out against the Wizards of all teams and just simply falls apart out there. His shots weren't falling, he couldn't grab any boards ... The most success he had that night was damn near fouling himself out of the game — which wasn't a bad idea, might I add. At least he got his ass off the court...
Chuck: Shaq, I'll bet you $5 that the Los Angeles Clipp—
Shaq: Say no more
