Teambuilding: Talent/Cohesion Report 2017-18
Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 3:05 pm
Ah, preseason. So much hope for most teams. If everything breaks a certain team’s way, they can find themselves in the middle of the playoff picture in June. Of course, it’s impossible to know which team is ready to contend every year, but there are a couple of factors that can weigh in. Thanks to some investigative journalism from reporters in the Minnesota home office, we have to put together this year’s Cohesion Report, which has known to be a good indicator of success and prowess. Keep in mind, though, last season a team with average talent and good cohesion won. Anything is possible!
This is the category of teams that are great in either category and good in the other. They are very talented teams that also get along well. They know each other like the back of their hand, and this allows them to get results.
New York Knicks
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
Between a heartbreaking finals loss and a poor training camp for future superstar Nikola Jokic, it hasn't been a great few months in New York. Even with those setbacks, the Knicks are set to dominate the Eastern Conference again, thanks in part to their very talented roster who have bonded over the past few seasons. Gary Harris, the team's resident jokester, says that everyone has fun pranking each other. "That time I filled Tyson's bedsheets with snakes was classic!"
Denver Nuggets
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
This surge came from nowhere, especially after last year's debacle where injuries derailed a promising team. But now with the signing of Darren Collison, the team looks ready to contend for the division. No one is happier than Klay Thompson, who is rumored to have hated playing with Al Jefferson. A source said, "Klay called him the black hole, and not just because he didn't pass the ball -- team dinners became adventures trying to guard Al from feeding off your plate."
Detroit Pistons
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
The past few years had been building to this moment. Anthony Davis is finally at the point where he could carry an entire team by himself, and now he doesn't need to. Lance Stephenson and Bojan Bogdanovic are finally ready to turn this team from a decent story to a title contender. Aaron Brooks and Ramon Sessions, who were brought in for competition last season, are actually best of friends, and their unselfishness is contagious among the team.
These are the teams that have good cohesion and good talent. They have a chance to be among the top teams in the league because of their talent and willingness to work together to win. Let's meet em!
Los Angeles Clippers
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
Another year, another good team from LA. The Clips have been a consistent force since Kevin Durant came about, and the chemistry has formed naturally as a result. Bismack Biyombo credits team chemistry to the friendship between Durant and Hibbert: "They're so cool and friendly, and everyone wants to hang out with them. Plus Roy throws the dopest parties."
San Antonio Spurs
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
The champs are back! Russell Westbrook and Dennis Schroder are both re-signed, which is a big delight to both of them. "I don't think I would've wanted to come back if Dennis hadn't been matched," Westbrook said. "This dude is my best friend. He passes the ball so I don't have to."
Sacramento Kings
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
The Kings had an off year last season, but things are turning up now. The talent has continued to grow, mostly internally. And the same is for the chemistry, which has continued to get better the longer this team stays together. "Reggie Jackson is our leader," says Derrick Rose. "Derrick Rose is our leader," says Reggie Jackson. Despite this miscommunication, the locker room morale seems to be at an all time high.
Indiana Pacers
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
A full season after losing in a heartbreaking Game 7, the Pacers enter the season with optimism that they can get back to the Finals with what may be a final chance at a ring for Deron Williams. New signing DeMar DeRozan has fit in very well on the squad. "He's a fun kid," Deron said. "He does keep spelling my name DeRon DeWilliams, but besides that we've become fast friends."
Atlanta Hawks
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
Isn't it boring talking about the Hawks? They're always good, they're always on the same page, and I think Joakim Noah has been in the PBSL for like 26 years by now. They've become experts at plugging holes and not losing chemistry. Nate Robinson should be given credit for that, as he leads by example every night, using the method "Do what I do but be taller."
This category, the largest by far, is filled with teams who are good or great in one category but average or worse in the other. There are some things to like about these teams, but there are questions in either talent or chemistry that could threaten their championship hopes. Last year for the second straight time, a team from this category won the championship. So it can happen!
Houston Rockets
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: AVERAGE
The Rockets got a huge coup this offseason when Chris Bosh turned down a minimum deal to sign for big bucks in Houston. But along with that influx of talent came a darker side. "Bosh has always been reported as a great locker room presence, but his injury must have changed things. He came to Houston pretty much demanding that he be given the keys to the kingdom," a source said. "He said he wants a ring and he doesn't care who he has to piss off to get it."
Philadelphia 76ers
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
The past few seasons in Philadelphia haven't been all that rosy, but this season the team really bonded in training camp. "Ben is really funny," said fellow young stud Van Grimaldi. "When I hit the gym with him it doesn't even feel like work because we're just having fun the whole time." The team's future talent far outstrips its current, but for now things look promising.
Golden State Warriors
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
It's amazing this team could have the facelift it did and still retain good locker room chemistry, but that's exactly what happened. "They just really enjoy playing in the Bay," an insider said recently. "Rudy Gobert is finally asserting himself as a leader, and the other young players are following suit."
Utah Jazz
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
Don't trade your two best players in two years and expect to have good talent. The Jazz have focused on the future, which means the wins won't come for a while. But the exuberance of youth has created a playground-like fun atmosphere in the locker room, and no one seems too disheartened about the current lack of scoring or defense.
Orlando Magic
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: POOR
The GM for the Magic has done real work this offseason, putting together incredible talent that could win it all if they mesh well. But right now? They're not meshing well. "A few weeks back Paul George and James Harden hit a club together and Paul went home with a woman James was interested in," an anonymous scout said. "Practices ever since have been very weird."
Chicago Bulls
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: POOR
The Bulls and Magic GMs are well known friends, and so it makes sense that they both cultivate the same team makeup. The Bulls have all the talent in the world, but when the whistle blows at practice, everyone goes their separate ways. Spencer Hawes has been known to clear the locker room when he gets worked up about politics.
Milwaukee Bucks
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: AVERAGE
The team still has talent, mostly because of their feared backcourt in Kyrie Irving and Ricky Rubio. But the guards themselves have their own fear: being replaced. "I know our GM likes to make rash moves, and I saw him swap out Kanter for a guy who isn't ready to compete yet when me and Ricky are ready," said Kyrie at a Flat Earther convention last weekend.
Vancouver Grizzlies
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
As long as the Grizzlies have Jimmy Butler and Kawhi Leonard, there are no doubts about team chemistry. The two are very inclusive and always trying to organize team dinners and fun outings. The regression of Rajon Rondo in training camp hasn't gone unnoticed, though, and may be cause for concern if the Grizzlies want to make the playoffs again.
Miami Heat
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: POOR
The Heat have worked hard to assemble a good roster after moving on from the team that got them to the Finals. Optimism was at its peak...and then the preseason happened. "I know preseason doesn't mean much, but going winless shows me that maybe we aren't as good as we thought we were," an anonymous player told our sources.
Oklahoma City Thunder
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
Great offense and awful defense -- that's what you can expect from the Thunder this year based on preseason. But you can also expect a lot of fun times. The team seems to dance at every opportunity. They dance when they score, when they win, when they lose -- they just love dancing together.
Brooklyn Nets
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
This poor talent seems to be an illusion, as they have young stud Buddy Pedraza and were able to steal Tyreke Evans from Orlando. Speaking of those two, they have formed a fast friendship since Evans arrived in Brooklyn. "He hasn't left me alone," Pedraza said. "He's asking me about restaurants and apartments and traffic. Every time I check my texts he's asking me another BK question. He's cool tho."
Minnesota Timberwolves
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GREAT
There's no question -- this is the best locker room in the league. They genuinely enjoy being around each other, especially the trio of Brook Lopez, Otto Porter, and Andrew Wiggins. They all live together in an apartment that's constantly getting visits from the other players. "There are only 9 of us, so we're really tight," Porter said.
Los Angeles Lakers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
The talent should've been better by now -- bad training camps and a neglectful management has turned what was once an exciting young team into just another bad one. But don't tell them that -- they love playing together and have great hope for the future, despite the future bringing them so much regression so far.
This category is for the teams that are average in both talent and cohesion. These teams could be good, or they could be bad. At this point, it depends on coaching, because the team builders haven't done them many favors.
Charlotte Bobcats
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: AVERAGE
Make no mistake: this is an improvement. Since their inception, both the talent and the locker room cohesion have suffered. But since the move to bring in John Wall, things have been improving. "I'm not saying everything is perfect now," says a front office insider, "but if you look at what it was and now what it is, it's better than anyone could reasonably expect."
New Orleans Pelicans
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: AVERAGE
No way are they just average. This has to do with CJ Watson, which doesn't matter. Bottom line is the Pelicans have Blake, LeBron, Damian, and CP3, so the talent rating is an illusion. The cohesion, though? That has a little more merit. Word on the street is there was a rap battle between Lillard and LeBron and Lillard embarrassed LeBron to the point that LeBron ran from the locker room crying. Lillard tried to mend the fences, but it may be too late.
The final category is for teams that have at least one category poor or bad, and have no good categories to make up for it. I'm not going to automatically disqualify these teams from making the playoffs, but I will say that if they want to make it, they'll need some vast improvement or teambuilding exercises. Because it ain't pretty.
Boston Celtics
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: POOR
This is expected, and it's going to get worse before it gets better. Their young talent will not be good enough to win them any games. Still, you'd hope that the lack of expectations would generate a more fun environment: as it is, the two newest rookies, Towns and Russell, have had a run-in that involved a cell phone camera and rumors of infidelity.
Dallas Mavericks
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: AVERAGE
If you ask the GM of the Mavericks, everything is great. He thinks the playoffs are a real possibility. The players aren't as convinced. "We're bad," an anonymous player said. "I'm looking for hope at the end of each game, but there's none to be found."
Portland Trailblazers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: BAD
I really don't like picking on the Trailblazers. It just seems that every time we run these reports, they're at the bottom. They're in the middle of a rebuild, which explains the talent. But why is the cohesion always so bad in Portland? Do PBSL players just hate good beer?
Cleveland Cavaliers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: POOR
The Chris Paul era is over. It was a fun run, but there isn't much to show for it, and that fact isn't lost around the organization. Faith is low that management will resolve this, despite the big signing of Hassan Whiteside. It didn't help that Whiteside immediately entered the facility announcing "THE SAVIOR OF SHITTOWN IS HERE!"
Phoenix Suns
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: AVERAGE
Does it even matter what these ratings say for the Suns? K-Love will average 40, his ragtag surrounding cast will play well enough, and he'll be a top seed like always. Sure, the team doesn't like each other -- how could they when GMess just completely scraps the team year after year? -- but in this league you go as far as your OP takes you, and Love takes you far.
Toronto Raptors
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: AVERAGE
I don't even know where to begin. To win in this league, sometimes you need to bottom out. I guess that's what we're seeing now. I don't see the Raptors winning 20 games, which is good for future draft picks. But will icy conditions improve in Toronto? Most of these players know they're just placeholders, so don't expect them to lock arms and sing Kumbaya any time soon.
Washington Wizards
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: POOR
The Twin Towers are friends. That's literally the only positive thing in this organization right now. Between the awful training camps and terrible offense, it's hard to see many other good things. In fact, the rest of the team resents the Twin Towers for being so close.
SUPERFRIENDS
This is the category of teams that are great in either category and good in the other. They are very talented teams that also get along well. They know each other like the back of their hand, and this allows them to get results.
New York Knicks
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
Between a heartbreaking finals loss and a poor training camp for future superstar Nikola Jokic, it hasn't been a great few months in New York. Even with those setbacks, the Knicks are set to dominate the Eastern Conference again, thanks in part to their very talented roster who have bonded over the past few seasons. Gary Harris, the team's resident jokester, says that everyone has fun pranking each other. "That time I filled Tyson's bedsheets with snakes was classic!"
Denver Nuggets
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
This surge came from nowhere, especially after last year's debacle where injuries derailed a promising team. But now with the signing of Darren Collison, the team looks ready to contend for the division. No one is happier than Klay Thompson, who is rumored to have hated playing with Al Jefferson. A source said, "Klay called him the black hole, and not just because he didn't pass the ball -- team dinners became adventures trying to guard Al from feeding off your plate."
Detroit Pistons
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: GOOD
The past few years had been building to this moment. Anthony Davis is finally at the point where he could carry an entire team by himself, and now he doesn't need to. Lance Stephenson and Bojan Bogdanovic are finally ready to turn this team from a decent story to a title contender. Aaron Brooks and Ramon Sessions, who were brought in for competition last season, are actually best of friends, and their unselfishness is contagious among the team.
STRONG AND SOLID
These are the teams that have good cohesion and good talent. They have a chance to be among the top teams in the league because of their talent and willingness to work together to win. Let's meet em!
Los Angeles Clippers
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
Another year, another good team from LA. The Clips have been a consistent force since Kevin Durant came about, and the chemistry has formed naturally as a result. Bismack Biyombo credits team chemistry to the friendship between Durant and Hibbert: "They're so cool and friendly, and everyone wants to hang out with them. Plus Roy throws the dopest parties."
San Antonio Spurs
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
The champs are back! Russell Westbrook and Dennis Schroder are both re-signed, which is a big delight to both of them. "I don't think I would've wanted to come back if Dennis hadn't been matched," Westbrook said. "This dude is my best friend. He passes the ball so I don't have to."
Sacramento Kings
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
The Kings had an off year last season, but things are turning up now. The talent has continued to grow, mostly internally. And the same is for the chemistry, which has continued to get better the longer this team stays together. "Reggie Jackson is our leader," says Derrick Rose. "Derrick Rose is our leader," says Reggie Jackson. Despite this miscommunication, the locker room morale seems to be at an all time high.
Indiana Pacers
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
A full season after losing in a heartbreaking Game 7, the Pacers enter the season with optimism that they can get back to the Finals with what may be a final chance at a ring for Deron Williams. New signing DeMar DeRozan has fit in very well on the squad. "He's a fun kid," Deron said. "He does keep spelling my name DeRon DeWilliams, but besides that we've become fast friends."
Atlanta Hawks
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: GOOD
Isn't it boring talking about the Hawks? They're always good, they're always on the same page, and I think Joakim Noah has been in the PBSL for like 26 years by now. They've become experts at plugging holes and not losing chemistry. Nate Robinson should be given credit for that, as he leads by example every night, using the method "Do what I do but be taller."
GOOD, BUT...
This category, the largest by far, is filled with teams who are good or great in one category but average or worse in the other. There are some things to like about these teams, but there are questions in either talent or chemistry that could threaten their championship hopes. Last year for the second straight time, a team from this category won the championship. So it can happen!
Houston Rockets
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: AVERAGE
The Rockets got a huge coup this offseason when Chris Bosh turned down a minimum deal to sign for big bucks in Houston. But along with that influx of talent came a darker side. "Bosh has always been reported as a great locker room presence, but his injury must have changed things. He came to Houston pretty much demanding that he be given the keys to the kingdom," a source said. "He said he wants a ring and he doesn't care who he has to piss off to get it."
Philadelphia 76ers
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
The past few seasons in Philadelphia haven't been all that rosy, but this season the team really bonded in training camp. "Ben is really funny," said fellow young stud Van Grimaldi. "When I hit the gym with him it doesn't even feel like work because we're just having fun the whole time." The team's future talent far outstrips its current, but for now things look promising.
Golden State Warriors
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
It's amazing this team could have the facelift it did and still retain good locker room chemistry, but that's exactly what happened. "They just really enjoy playing in the Bay," an insider said recently. "Rudy Gobert is finally asserting himself as a leader, and the other young players are following suit."
Utah Jazz
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
Don't trade your two best players in two years and expect to have good talent. The Jazz have focused on the future, which means the wins won't come for a while. But the exuberance of youth has created a playground-like fun atmosphere in the locker room, and no one seems too disheartened about the current lack of scoring or defense.
Orlando Magic
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: POOR
The GM for the Magic has done real work this offseason, putting together incredible talent that could win it all if they mesh well. But right now? They're not meshing well. "A few weeks back Paul George and James Harden hit a club together and Paul went home with a woman James was interested in," an anonymous scout said. "Practices ever since have been very weird."
Chicago Bulls
TALENT: GREAT
COHESION: POOR
The Bulls and Magic GMs are well known friends, and so it makes sense that they both cultivate the same team makeup. The Bulls have all the talent in the world, but when the whistle blows at practice, everyone goes their separate ways. Spencer Hawes has been known to clear the locker room when he gets worked up about politics.
Milwaukee Bucks
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: AVERAGE
The team still has talent, mostly because of their feared backcourt in Kyrie Irving and Ricky Rubio. But the guards themselves have their own fear: being replaced. "I know our GM likes to make rash moves, and I saw him swap out Kanter for a guy who isn't ready to compete yet when me and Ricky are ready," said Kyrie at a Flat Earther convention last weekend.
Vancouver Grizzlies
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
As long as the Grizzlies have Jimmy Butler and Kawhi Leonard, there are no doubts about team chemistry. The two are very inclusive and always trying to organize team dinners and fun outings. The regression of Rajon Rondo in training camp hasn't gone unnoticed, though, and may be cause for concern if the Grizzlies want to make the playoffs again.
Miami Heat
TALENT: GOOD
COHESION: POOR
The Heat have worked hard to assemble a good roster after moving on from the team that got them to the Finals. Optimism was at its peak...and then the preseason happened. "I know preseason doesn't mean much, but going winless shows me that maybe we aren't as good as we thought we were," an anonymous player told our sources.
Oklahoma City Thunder
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GOOD
Great offense and awful defense -- that's what you can expect from the Thunder this year based on preseason. But you can also expect a lot of fun times. The team seems to dance at every opportunity. They dance when they score, when they win, when they lose -- they just love dancing together.
Brooklyn Nets
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
This poor talent seems to be an illusion, as they have young stud Buddy Pedraza and were able to steal Tyreke Evans from Orlando. Speaking of those two, they have formed a fast friendship since Evans arrived in Brooklyn. "He hasn't left me alone," Pedraza said. "He's asking me about restaurants and apartments and traffic. Every time I check my texts he's asking me another BK question. He's cool tho."
Minnesota Timberwolves
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: GREAT
There's no question -- this is the best locker room in the league. They genuinely enjoy being around each other, especially the trio of Brook Lopez, Otto Porter, and Andrew Wiggins. They all live together in an apartment that's constantly getting visits from the other players. "There are only 9 of us, so we're really tight," Porter said.
Los Angeles Lakers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: GOOD
The talent should've been better by now -- bad training camps and a neglectful management has turned what was once an exciting young team into just another bad one. But don't tell them that -- they love playing together and have great hope for the future, despite the future bringing them so much regression so far.
MEH
This category is for the teams that are average in both talent and cohesion. These teams could be good, or they could be bad. At this point, it depends on coaching, because the team builders haven't done them many favors.
Charlotte Bobcats
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: AVERAGE
Make no mistake: this is an improvement. Since their inception, both the talent and the locker room cohesion have suffered. But since the move to bring in John Wall, things have been improving. "I'm not saying everything is perfect now," says a front office insider, "but if you look at what it was and now what it is, it's better than anyone could reasonably expect."
New Orleans Pelicans
TALENT: AVERAGE
COHESION: AVERAGE
No way are they just average. This has to do with CJ Watson, which doesn't matter. Bottom line is the Pelicans have Blake, LeBron, Damian, and CP3, so the talent rating is an illusion. The cohesion, though? That has a little more merit. Word on the street is there was a rap battle between Lillard and LeBron and Lillard embarrassed LeBron to the point that LeBron ran from the locker room crying. Lillard tried to mend the fences, but it may be too late.
NEEDS ATTENTION
The final category is for teams that have at least one category poor or bad, and have no good categories to make up for it. I'm not going to automatically disqualify these teams from making the playoffs, but I will say that if they want to make it, they'll need some vast improvement or teambuilding exercises. Because it ain't pretty.
Boston Celtics
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: POOR
This is expected, and it's going to get worse before it gets better. Their young talent will not be good enough to win them any games. Still, you'd hope that the lack of expectations would generate a more fun environment: as it is, the two newest rookies, Towns and Russell, have had a run-in that involved a cell phone camera and rumors of infidelity.
Dallas Mavericks
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: AVERAGE
If you ask the GM of the Mavericks, everything is great. He thinks the playoffs are a real possibility. The players aren't as convinced. "We're bad," an anonymous player said. "I'm looking for hope at the end of each game, but there's none to be found."
Portland Trailblazers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: BAD
I really don't like picking on the Trailblazers. It just seems that every time we run these reports, they're at the bottom. They're in the middle of a rebuild, which explains the talent. But why is the cohesion always so bad in Portland? Do PBSL players just hate good beer?
Cleveland Cavaliers
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: POOR
The Chris Paul era is over. It was a fun run, but there isn't much to show for it, and that fact isn't lost around the organization. Faith is low that management will resolve this, despite the big signing of Hassan Whiteside. It didn't help that Whiteside immediately entered the facility announcing "THE SAVIOR OF SHITTOWN IS HERE!"
Phoenix Suns
TALENT: POOR
COHESION: AVERAGE
Does it even matter what these ratings say for the Suns? K-Love will average 40, his ragtag surrounding cast will play well enough, and he'll be a top seed like always. Sure, the team doesn't like each other -- how could they when GMess just completely scraps the team year after year? -- but in this league you go as far as your OP takes you, and Love takes you far.
Toronto Raptors
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: AVERAGE
I don't even know where to begin. To win in this league, sometimes you need to bottom out. I guess that's what we're seeing now. I don't see the Raptors winning 20 games, which is good for future draft picks. But will icy conditions improve in Toronto? Most of these players know they're just placeholders, so don't expect them to lock arms and sing Kumbaya any time soon.
Washington Wizards
TALENT: BAD
COHESION: POOR
The Twin Towers are friends. That's literally the only positive thing in this organization right now. Between the awful training camps and terrible offense, it's hard to see many other good things. In fact, the rest of the team resents the Twin Towers for being so close.