Chicago Bulls 2016-2017 Budget-Friendly Pre-Season Press Conference
Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:51 pm
There is no video this year. There isn't even a podium. It's just a stack of milk crates. With no fanfare, Bulls GM Garbage Man takes the stage wearing a barrel held up by suspenders. He steps up to where the microphone should be and clears his throat before yelling really loudly.
GM: Can everybody hear me alright?
Not everyone can as is evidenced by the lack of attention that his yelling causes. Some media in the front row turn to look, but even a few rows back, there are some reporters who are struggling to hear and some who don't know anything was said at all. Garbage Man tries to do that thing where you whistle really loud by sticking your fingers in the edges of your mouth, but that doesn't work because he doesn't really know how to do that.
Instead, he grabs the milk crate on the top of the stack, exits the stage, and parts the rows of reporters like he's some sort of barrel-wearing Moses.
GM: Alright, everybody. Circle around.
The members of the press sheepishly acquiesce, given no other option but to leave. To be fair, some of them do leave.
GM: Sorry, we're trying to save money here, so we'll leave the flash and sizzle for the courts. Got a little spend happy this offseason.
Garbage Man sets the milk crate down and stands upon it, giving himself at least some platform around the remaining press.
GM: Anyway, welcome to the 2016-2017 Chicago Bulls press conference. Last season ended with a disappointing round one loss in the playoffs. We spent most of the offseason fully expecting to step back and reset our tax bill, but sometimes the best laid plans to do nothing go to waste. The free agent market was way more interested in coming to Chicago than we anticipated, so we took advantage...a little too much advantage...and now I have to make it look like we're spending no money at all so our accounting team or the IRS doesn't come after me. Let's take a phase by phase look at what happened this offseason.
Garbage Man signals to a group of interns off to the side. One turns on a box fan and the other opens the exit door.
GM: Does anyone feel a little bit drafty in here?
Garbage Man pauses for a beat, but appropriately, receives no laughter.
GM: Anyway, we traded two picks to move up in the draft to select John Guy out of Maryland. We like his no-nonsense name as well as what he can bring to the game with his inside scoring and free throw shooting.
Another signal to the interns. They jog over to the crowd and start handing out little slips of paper. Some of the press sigh or shake their heads. One guy even balls up the paper and throws it on the ground. Garbage Man notices.
GM: You might want to hang onto those! Those are valuable coupons redeemable for one free...agency.
Garbage Man chuckles. Nobody else does. A couple more people leave.
GM: Right, uh, anyway. The biggest news for us in free agency is that we used our cap space to get a wealth of new players. We're very excited to bring Spencer Hawes and Goran Dragic to the club. We knew it would be unlikely to win the Durant sweepstakes, or even the Jordan or Rose sweepstakes, but we were able to work out contracts with our three highest rated free agents: Spencer, Goran, and Danilo Gallinari. Unfortunately, that put us a lot further over the tax bill than we would have liked, but we believe we reached a favorable compromise by trading Gallo to the Nets for Carmelo Anthony and future assets.
A snap of his fingers, and the interns approach GBJ on both sides, each armed with a pair of scissors. And with a couple coordinated snips, the suspenders are cut and the barrel crashes down to the ground revealing the Garbage Man wearing nothing but two carefully taped, homemade signs with just the letter 'R' drawn on in Sharpie.
GM: This segment of my press conference is rated R for Restricted...Free Agency.
The press is really starting to thin out at this point, though some of the remaining members seem more enthused than ever.
GM: In any case, a lot of players wanted to come to Chicago in RFA. Only two of them did. We welcomed back Jared Sullinger, but more notably, we were able to obtain one of our two realistic targets in Thomas Robinson. Robinson hit training camp ready to go, and we think he'll be a monster on the boards this year. We're really excited to have him join the squad. In any case, I couldn't think of any clever but cost effective visuals for training camp or preseason because trains--even model trains--are expensive, and seasons are more conceptual, so I'll open the floor up for questions.
One of the few remaining reporters raises his hand...
GM: Oh, one last thing...I was hoping that this abandoned warehouse we rented for pennies on the dollar to host this conference would have a trap door in the floor so I could REALLY "open up the floor" for questions, but if everyone just pretends that's what happened, I'd really appreciate it.
GM: Can everybody hear me alright?
Not everyone can as is evidenced by the lack of attention that his yelling causes. Some media in the front row turn to look, but even a few rows back, there are some reporters who are struggling to hear and some who don't know anything was said at all. Garbage Man tries to do that thing where you whistle really loud by sticking your fingers in the edges of your mouth, but that doesn't work because he doesn't really know how to do that.
Instead, he grabs the milk crate on the top of the stack, exits the stage, and parts the rows of reporters like he's some sort of barrel-wearing Moses.
GM: Alright, everybody. Circle around.
The members of the press sheepishly acquiesce, given no other option but to leave. To be fair, some of them do leave.
GM: Sorry, we're trying to save money here, so we'll leave the flash and sizzle for the courts. Got a little spend happy this offseason.
Garbage Man sets the milk crate down and stands upon it, giving himself at least some platform around the remaining press.
GM: Anyway, welcome to the 2016-2017 Chicago Bulls press conference. Last season ended with a disappointing round one loss in the playoffs. We spent most of the offseason fully expecting to step back and reset our tax bill, but sometimes the best laid plans to do nothing go to waste. The free agent market was way more interested in coming to Chicago than we anticipated, so we took advantage...a little too much advantage...and now I have to make it look like we're spending no money at all so our accounting team or the IRS doesn't come after me. Let's take a phase by phase look at what happened this offseason.
Garbage Man signals to a group of interns off to the side. One turns on a box fan and the other opens the exit door.
GM: Does anyone feel a little bit drafty in here?
Garbage Man pauses for a beat, but appropriately, receives no laughter.
GM: Anyway, we traded two picks to move up in the draft to select John Guy out of Maryland. We like his no-nonsense name as well as what he can bring to the game with his inside scoring and free throw shooting.
Another signal to the interns. They jog over to the crowd and start handing out little slips of paper. Some of the press sigh or shake their heads. One guy even balls up the paper and throws it on the ground. Garbage Man notices.
GM: You might want to hang onto those! Those are valuable coupons redeemable for one free...agency.
Garbage Man chuckles. Nobody else does. A couple more people leave.
GM: Right, uh, anyway. The biggest news for us in free agency is that we used our cap space to get a wealth of new players. We're very excited to bring Spencer Hawes and Goran Dragic to the club. We knew it would be unlikely to win the Durant sweepstakes, or even the Jordan or Rose sweepstakes, but we were able to work out contracts with our three highest rated free agents: Spencer, Goran, and Danilo Gallinari. Unfortunately, that put us a lot further over the tax bill than we would have liked, but we believe we reached a favorable compromise by trading Gallo to the Nets for Carmelo Anthony and future assets.
A snap of his fingers, and the interns approach GBJ on both sides, each armed with a pair of scissors. And with a couple coordinated snips, the suspenders are cut and the barrel crashes down to the ground revealing the Garbage Man wearing nothing but two carefully taped, homemade signs with just the letter 'R' drawn on in Sharpie.
GM: This segment of my press conference is rated R for Restricted...Free Agency.
The press is really starting to thin out at this point, though some of the remaining members seem more enthused than ever.
GM: In any case, a lot of players wanted to come to Chicago in RFA. Only two of them did. We welcomed back Jared Sullinger, but more notably, we were able to obtain one of our two realistic targets in Thomas Robinson. Robinson hit training camp ready to go, and we think he'll be a monster on the boards this year. We're really excited to have him join the squad. In any case, I couldn't think of any clever but cost effective visuals for training camp or preseason because trains--even model trains--are expensive, and seasons are more conceptual, so I'll open the floor up for questions.
One of the few remaining reporters raises his hand...
GM: Oh, one last thing...I was hoping that this abandoned warehouse we rented for pennies on the dollar to host this conference would have a trap door in the floor so I could REALLY "open up the floor" for questions, but if everyone just pretends that's what happened, I'd really appreciate it.