Utah Jazz - Pre-Season Press Conference
Posted: Fri May 12, 2017 5:06 pm
Now, as many of you are quite aware, I, the most digital of skunks (see: Digiskunk), am the new general manager of the Utah Jazz. My predecessor, C-Prez, built this franchise on his own blood, sweat, and tears; and it is with that same unbridled enthusiasm for success that I plan to drive this franchise forward. Many of you, I'm sure, have doubted me from day one: As soon as I took the stage, I'm sure that many of you guys thought I'd doom this franchise for seasons to come. But that's not about to happen, bitches — no, not on my watch. Because I have high hopes for this ballclub, and I think that, at the end of my tenure, I may be deified. Because that's just how I roll.
When I first came into this league, I was, admittedly, somewhat taken aback by the amount of responsibility that came with managing a major league ball club. But you know what I did? I opened up the book of life and read from it; I listened to philosophers such as Douglas Tassin and Nick Malone, and I quickly learned what it meant to be a general manager. I learned what it meant to be the face of a franchise, the future of a dynasty in the making — and without that help, I wouldn't be here today.
I understand that many of you may continue to doubt me, which is unfortunate although forgiving, given my lack of experience at such a role. But hopefully my actions—both current and future—will prove you otherwise.
When I first became manager, this ballclub was in a frustrating state. The previous manager, although a beloved icon of the league, left the team at an uncertain crossroad: Despite having a well-established roster, the team simply didn't produce at the level that was expected given the level of talent on the roster. I, however, came to power hoping to change all that.
My first action as acting general manager was to participate in the draft, which went well enough. I can't recall doing much, seeing as I had no 1st round draft selections and everything was Fryeing simulated anyway. But who cares! I'll take credit for it regardless. I ended up drafting a young prospect by the name of P.J. Hairston, who I hope will make huge strides toward greatness in the near future. I'm sure he'll prove to be a valuable addition in the season(s) to come.
Next, I must admit, I made a grave mistake early on: During the offseason, I made my first transaction by signing a player by the name of Paul Pierce, who's attitude was only matched by his foul mouth and poor demeanor — both on and off the court. His lack of enthusiasm lead me to subsequently waive his sorry old ass. Many of you took that as a sign of things to come, but I took it as a valuable lesson: Don't drink beer during the free agent signing period. Also, listen to your mentors.
As the later stages of free agency came, I found a need to fill the gaps in my roster. So, I reached out to the agents of Devin Harris, Lavoy Allen, and Jason Thompson in search of redemption. Fortunately, I came out on top: All of them agreed to sign with the Utah Jazz for the upcoming season. I couldn't have been happier. Although it will prove to be a difficult task to replace the likes of Andrew Bogut—who has been the team's reigning "big man" for the past season or so—I hope that these new additions will make a positive impact on the ballclub. In fact, I have utmost faith.
I wasn't sure what to expect as preseason approached, but all of my doubts and uncertainties were quickly silenced as I saw my team rise to the occasion and produce a humble, but fulfilling, 5-1 record. Hopefully, this is a sign of things to come.
Now, "What does the future hold", might you ask? Well, none of us know what the future truly holds, but I'll tell you this much, mister: The Utah Jazz have come prepared to wage a war, and we won't give up until the final shots have been fired. Our goal is to reach the playoffs this season, and perhaps, within a season or two's time, reach the PBSL finals.
And with that, I bid you adieu.
