Chicago Bulls Pre-Season Presser
Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2016 2:50 am
In some alternate potential--some strange work of fiction beyond the safely grounded world of advanced statistics and stressed fundamentals that is, in part, the game of basketball--the voices of the frustrated masses clamor for change. The loudmouthed, brazen, frustrated masses shout tirelessly, afraid, towards a loudmouthed, brazen, and frustrated man, one who promised them everything they wanted. The man couldn't hear them anymore. It was just him, there, in that room--him and a Rube Goldberg Machine of other figures, arguably human to some, but to him, just a fast-burning fuse from the button to the bomb.
He hadn't the slightest idea of what he was doing, and like a true Juggalo, gave exactly two shits and a Frye.
Now say, by the fortune of some ridiculous miracle, the farmer looked away from the body and then back again, and upon the return of his gaze, a new head had been fitted upon the chicken. Would the farmer expect the chicken to start laying record numbers of eggs?
The 2011-2012 Bulls know that we have a lot of work to do before it pays back in sweet, succulent eggs. The body is working on accepting the head, and the head is acquainting itself with the body. But the good people of Chicago and Bulls fans worldwide deserve better than excuses. While the media has written this off as highly unlikely, we're hoping that the fans get the opportunity to cheer the Bulls on in a playoff game. That starts with improving on last year through hard work and more dedicated management. Here's why we feel we can improve on last year:
1. The Beard Keeps Growing
James Harden is still the centerpiece of the Bulls, and he made some nice improvements in the off-season. He's going to be a beast this season. We're instituting a no-shave policy to try to get all of our players on Harden's level. We'll be so bearded the FBI's going to put us all on the No Fly List.
2. A Tale of Two Gords
With Gordan Giricek and Gordon Hayward, the Bulls are officially the only team in the league where, if someone were to shout out "Hey, Gordon!", two people would look. If this strategy works, we plan on pushing it into the future by pursuing players like Ben Gordon and Eric Gordon. In all seriousness, though, Gordon Hayward will be stepping into a much more significant role in his 2nd year following the sign and trade of Nick Young for a 2013 first round pick. Gordon had a productive off-season and along with Harden, Hayward will factor heavily into the Bulls future.
3. The Happiness of Shelden Williams
Rumors are true that Shelden Williams is unhappy. Rest assured that the Bulls are doing everything we can do to turn his frown upside-down. We like what Shelden does. He's a tenacious rebounder. Bringing in Yao Ming provides a contrast at the Center spot...hopefully someone who can complement Williams nicely, however Shelden can rest assured that he won't be seeing a reduction in minutes. With a solid few years left on his contract and more potential to be had, it's a great time to buy a Shelden Williams jersey and show how much the city of Chicago appreciates him doing the dirty work under the glass.
4. MIP
With a lot of focus on young stars like Harden, Hayward, and last year's 6th Man of the Year, Danilo Gallinari, it's easy to overlook Paul Millsap. Our starting PF, however, saw huge gains in training camp this year, and we're expecting him to provide a little bit of everything. Paul brings it every night, and he's the kind of tough player that the Bulls need.
5. 6MOY
Danilo Gallinari brought a huge burst off of the bench last year to win 6th Man of the Year as voted on by the GMs around the league. We expect more of that from the handsome Italian this year.
6. Monta >= Manu
While a lot of people are scratching their heads on the Manu Ginobili trade, we're still hopeful it will show its upside. With age taking its toll on Manu and the broken foot sidelining him for most of the second half of last season, we feel that Monta Ellis can step in and play big minutes in a backcourt with James Harden. Admittedly, we might end up missing the first round pick we gave up, but at the 6th spot, the players we hoped would fall to us didn't, and we opted to do what we thought would help us improve over last season. We're hopeful that it will.
7. Farewell, Swaggy P
Nick Young is a fantastic talent on the offensive end. He got us a lot of points, and we'll miss his shooting. But at the end of the day, we knew he was going to be expensive to the point where he'd limit our salary flexibility elsewhere. With Harden's rookie contract coming to a close soon, we need space to max him out. We feel good getting a future first rounder instead of letting Young walk for nothing. Besides, with Hayward developing nicely, this frees up more room for him to play. With Gallinari able to step in at 3 as well as 4 and the signings of old sharpshooter Mike Dunleavy and old candy fanatic Lamar Odom, we've got more wings than a decapitated and recapitated chicken, as chickens only have two wings.
Anyway, we're looking forward to the upcoming season. We won't be bringing back any rings. A trip to the post-season would be a surprise to a lot of people. Hopefully, a better record won't be. We're confident we can do better--and keep doing better. And if not, there's always Anthony Davis. Beard / Brow 2012.
He hadn't the slightest idea of what he was doing, and like a true Juggalo, gave exactly two shits and a Frye.
Seven Short Stories About the Chicago Bulls
An old farmer drags his hatchet to his chicken coop and selects a bird for dinner for him and his wife. He selects a chicken that does not produce him as many eggs as the other chickens and beheads it on the block, watching the decapitated body twitching there still.Now say, by the fortune of some ridiculous miracle, the farmer looked away from the body and then back again, and upon the return of his gaze, a new head had been fitted upon the chicken. Would the farmer expect the chicken to start laying record numbers of eggs?
The 2011-2012 Bulls know that we have a lot of work to do before it pays back in sweet, succulent eggs. The body is working on accepting the head, and the head is acquainting itself with the body. But the good people of Chicago and Bulls fans worldwide deserve better than excuses. While the media has written this off as highly unlikely, we're hoping that the fans get the opportunity to cheer the Bulls on in a playoff game. That starts with improving on last year through hard work and more dedicated management. Here's why we feel we can improve on last year:
1. The Beard Keeps Growing
James Harden is still the centerpiece of the Bulls, and he made some nice improvements in the off-season. He's going to be a beast this season. We're instituting a no-shave policy to try to get all of our players on Harden's level. We'll be so bearded the FBI's going to put us all on the No Fly List.
2. A Tale of Two Gords
With Gordan Giricek and Gordon Hayward, the Bulls are officially the only team in the league where, if someone were to shout out "Hey, Gordon!", two people would look. If this strategy works, we plan on pushing it into the future by pursuing players like Ben Gordon and Eric Gordon. In all seriousness, though, Gordon Hayward will be stepping into a much more significant role in his 2nd year following the sign and trade of Nick Young for a 2013 first round pick. Gordon had a productive off-season and along with Harden, Hayward will factor heavily into the Bulls future.
3. The Happiness of Shelden Williams
Rumors are true that Shelden Williams is unhappy. Rest assured that the Bulls are doing everything we can do to turn his frown upside-down. We like what Shelden does. He's a tenacious rebounder. Bringing in Yao Ming provides a contrast at the Center spot...hopefully someone who can complement Williams nicely, however Shelden can rest assured that he won't be seeing a reduction in minutes. With a solid few years left on his contract and more potential to be had, it's a great time to buy a Shelden Williams jersey and show how much the city of Chicago appreciates him doing the dirty work under the glass.
4. MIP
With a lot of focus on young stars like Harden, Hayward, and last year's 6th Man of the Year, Danilo Gallinari, it's easy to overlook Paul Millsap. Our starting PF, however, saw huge gains in training camp this year, and we're expecting him to provide a little bit of everything. Paul brings it every night, and he's the kind of tough player that the Bulls need.
5. 6MOY
Danilo Gallinari brought a huge burst off of the bench last year to win 6th Man of the Year as voted on by the GMs around the league. We expect more of that from the handsome Italian this year.
6. Monta >= Manu
While a lot of people are scratching their heads on the Manu Ginobili trade, we're still hopeful it will show its upside. With age taking its toll on Manu and the broken foot sidelining him for most of the second half of last season, we feel that Monta Ellis can step in and play big minutes in a backcourt with James Harden. Admittedly, we might end up missing the first round pick we gave up, but at the 6th spot, the players we hoped would fall to us didn't, and we opted to do what we thought would help us improve over last season. We're hopeful that it will.
7. Farewell, Swaggy P
Nick Young is a fantastic talent on the offensive end. He got us a lot of points, and we'll miss his shooting. But at the end of the day, we knew he was going to be expensive to the point where he'd limit our salary flexibility elsewhere. With Harden's rookie contract coming to a close soon, we need space to max him out. We feel good getting a future first rounder instead of letting Young walk for nothing. Besides, with Hayward developing nicely, this frees up more room for him to play. With Gallinari able to step in at 3 as well as 4 and the signings of old sharpshooter Mike Dunleavy and old candy fanatic Lamar Odom, we've got more wings than a decapitated and recapitated chicken, as chickens only have two wings.
Anyway, we're looking forward to the upcoming season. We won't be bringing back any rings. A trip to the post-season would be a surprise to a lot of people. Hopefully, a better record won't be. We're confident we can do better--and keep doing better. And if not, there's always Anthony Davis. Beard / Brow 2012.