Portland Pre-Season Press Conference
Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2015 4:36 pm
GM Kevin U. Coach VII:
I can't believe I'm still doing these things. . . Mostly because I can't believe I still have a job. Let's review my history. I entered the league and turned the Blazers around quickly building around a core of Shawn Bradley, Jamal Mashburn, and Kenny Smith. I then went into epic tank mode and drafted Nowitzki, Manu, and Magloire while maintaining a stock pile of draft picks. I then abandoned the rebuilding attempt and built a contender around Dirk, Shaq, and Bobby Jackson. I gave up on that team and have since been pooping around as the ninth seed in the west, while struggling with the cap because I keep trading away draft picks. Wouldn't you fire me?
[Mumbles and grumbles among the few press members present]
GM Kevin U. Coach VII:
But, you know how these things go. I blame the players and ship them off. This offseason I chose to blame the coach. I'm pleased to announce that we have fired Coach Seven and have hired Toni Kukoc as the new coach of the Portland Trail Blazers.
[A nonplussed applause from a few rookie reporters]
Coach Toni Kukoc:
I'm excited to be back in Portland, even though I know I am working for a psychopath that traded me almost as soon as he signed me back in 2001. I hope to bring my championship experience to a team that is struggling to win games, despite having a very talented roster.
[More mumbles and grumbles from the press]
GM Kevin U. Coach VII:
Yes, yes. Welcome back, Toni. Let's review what's happened since the last time we met. Last year we threw a bunch of money at DerMarr and we expect him to be a Most Improved Player candidate this year. Dirk continues to improve and will hopefully become the leader we need him to be. We made a bold trade for Vince Carter to try make a last minute playoff push. While we did improve after the trade, we fell short. We knew when traded for Vince we knew he wasn't the player we really needed but he was the best we could get our hands on. We swapped VC for Stephon Marbury and Drew Gooden this offseason. This unloaded a bit of salary, landed us a young asset, and gave as Steph, who we feel is a better fit for the team than Vince.
Coach Toni Kukoc:
Our short term goal this year is to figure out our game plan. Trajan could be the answer at the 2 but we are also looking into experimenting with starting Gooden at the 3 and moving DerMarr to the 2. My personal goal is to raise the quality of game planning in Portland. This has been a huge problem for the Blazers in recent years and I hope to be a difference-maker.
GM Kevin U. Coach VII:
It is our intent to land a starting quality guard that defend the perimeter well. We have been trying to do this for a while now so don't be surprised if nothing comes of it. Our goal this season is to return to the playoffs. As we have seen in recent years, anything can happen in the playoffs. We'll now open the floor to questions.
I can't believe I'm still doing these things. . . Mostly because I can't believe I still have a job. Let's review my history. I entered the league and turned the Blazers around quickly building around a core of Shawn Bradley, Jamal Mashburn, and Kenny Smith. I then went into epic tank mode and drafted Nowitzki, Manu, and Magloire while maintaining a stock pile of draft picks. I then abandoned the rebuilding attempt and built a contender around Dirk, Shaq, and Bobby Jackson. I gave up on that team and have since been pooping around as the ninth seed in the west, while struggling with the cap because I keep trading away draft picks. Wouldn't you fire me?
[Mumbles and grumbles among the few press members present]
GM Kevin U. Coach VII:
But, you know how these things go. I blame the players and ship them off. This offseason I chose to blame the coach. I'm pleased to announce that we have fired Coach Seven and have hired Toni Kukoc as the new coach of the Portland Trail Blazers.
- toni-kukoc.jpg (112.24 KiB) Viewed 1361 times
Coach Toni Kukoc:
I'm excited to be back in Portland, even though I know I am working for a psychopath that traded me almost as soon as he signed me back in 2001. I hope to bring my championship experience to a team that is struggling to win games, despite having a very talented roster.
[More mumbles and grumbles from the press]
GM Kevin U. Coach VII:
Yes, yes. Welcome back, Toni. Let's review what's happened since the last time we met. Last year we threw a bunch of money at DerMarr and we expect him to be a Most Improved Player candidate this year. Dirk continues to improve and will hopefully become the leader we need him to be. We made a bold trade for Vince Carter to try make a last minute playoff push. While we did improve after the trade, we fell short. We knew when traded for Vince we knew he wasn't the player we really needed but he was the best we could get our hands on. We swapped VC for Stephon Marbury and Drew Gooden this offseason. This unloaded a bit of salary, landed us a young asset, and gave as Steph, who we feel is a better fit for the team than Vince.
Coach Toni Kukoc:
Our short term goal this year is to figure out our game plan. Trajan could be the answer at the 2 but we are also looking into experimenting with starting Gooden at the 3 and moving DerMarr to the 2. My personal goal is to raise the quality of game planning in Portland. This has been a huge problem for the Blazers in recent years and I hope to be a difference-maker.
GM Kevin U. Coach VII:
It is our intent to land a starting quality guard that defend the perimeter well. We have been trying to do this for a while now so don't be surprised if nothing comes of it. Our goal this season is to return to the playoffs. As we have seen in recent years, anything can happen in the playoffs. We'll now open the floor to questions.