Zach Lowe's Annual League Pass Rankings
Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2015 1:48 pm
Bill Simmons Sports Guy here, I’m turning it over to my man Zach Lowe. He has developed a foolproof ratings system to get you ready for the 2004 NBA season. It’s his first annual NBA league pass rankings.
Lowe: Thanks Bill it’s impossible to watch every minute of every NBA game (or read through each play by play and check the box scores) so I’ve compiled this list and gave each team a score rating from 0-10 in the following 5 categories:
PLAYOFF PICTURE: An estimate of every team’s place in the day-to-day NBA conversation, and where they sit in the playoff picture. Are you contending, are you fighting for a playoff spot, and is it fun to watch which seed a given team may end up with.
INDIVIDUAL PLAYER APPEAL: How often is there a post in the results thread that explodes with a stream of, “HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THAT BOX SCORE IMMEDIATELY, PLAYER X HAS GONE INSANE!!!!!” Some 30-point games are more stylish than others.
GM / OWNER ENTERTAINMENT VALUE: My pet category — a measure of how a GM acts and sounds based off their teams performance during the season. When you see they posted a new thread or commented are you rushing to read what they wrote or preparing your eye roll emoji.
HOOPS STYLE / GAME PLANNING: A slow-it-down team cycling between motion 2 and motion 3 is less entertaining than, say, whatever it is Balls does. Coaching affects aesthetics! Even when you can’t see it!
UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY SCALE: Bill Simmons’s pet category, back when we did these rankings together. We’re serious about hoops, but lighthearted nonsense can pull you through a Wednesday night in January: “That’s another mid-range jumper from C-Webb, 78 is furiously typing out his resignation letter in the owners suite. And here come the pretzels!”
29. New York Knicks (15)
The Knicks have a bright young core with Yao and Carmelo. Which scored them pretty high on the individual player appeal scale, unfortunately they appear to have very little chance of making the playoffs, but could rank highly on the scale of comedy, watching the 7 and a half foot Yao try to dunk Carmelo for continuing to jack up 3’s despite his 28% average.
28. Phoenix Suns (16)
In a tough Western Conference the Suns stand very little chance of reaching the 8 seed, let alone making some noise in the playoffs. James Posey is a good to great player, but he doesn’t quite have the offensive ability to make you want to watch him night in and night out.
27. Seattle Supersonics (17)
The team is going to be pretty dreadful, but at least their GM Darth is going to be entertaining. Anderson Varejao may put up some numbers, simply for the lack of other options. I’m sure there will be some trades here, but nothing that’s going to make you want to watch double digit beatdowns on the reg from pacific rivals such as the Lakers and Kings.
26. Detroit Pistons (18)
Give this team two years and they should be on the opposite side of the list. #1 pick Dwight Howard got them some points on the individual player appeal scale, but this team is still a ways away from being competitive and have very little talent outside of the top two picks in this years draft.
25. Golden State Warriors (19)
Their GM is a robot, but Jalen Rose is enough reason to watch this team. He drug them to the playoffs last year and at the terrifying age of 31, this may be one of his last seasons playing at an elite level before TC has it’s way with him.
24. Cleveland Cavaliers (20)
The Cavs won 35 games last year led by Michael Redd, Spree, and AI. Spree and Redd are still there (for now) but Iverson and the rest of the supporting cast are gone and this team will be headed to the lotto not the playoffs. 42 will remain entertaining enough to keep an eye on, but the product on the court will be something to keep your eyes away from.
23. New Jersey Nets (22)
The Nets have a young talented squad. Kaman, Gooden, Maggette, Wallace, and rookie Jameer Nelson are all 24 or younger. It may take some time for them all to find their way in the NBA and there will be spots this season where it may get sloppy, but this will be a fun team to watch grow. We all know RPF has one of, if not the strongest GIF games in the league, scoring him high the Entertainment Value category.
22. LA Clippers (23)
The Clippers had a very strong team last year, but not bringing back Van Exel leaves point guard duties to rookie Beno Udrih which could make this team tough to watch. There is still a lot of talent with Magloire, Davis, and an aging Marshall so they should win some games and make some noise.
21. Denver Nuggets (23)
On the flip side I don’t know how many games the Nuggets will win this year, but the backcourt of Gilbert Arenas and Dwyane Wade will be damn fun to watch. Wade is only 22 and I’m expecting almost a double digit jump in his PPG. Arenas is on his 3rd team in 4 years, but is one of only 6 players with a perfect 100 QKN getting him and Wade to mesh may take some time, but I for one will be paying attention to see how it goes.
20. Boston Celtics (25)
You could draw a line chart that shows this GMs activity correlates with Alonzo Mournings production. Will a pair of young promising big men in Boozer/Hunter change that? The potential is there, but the lack of a true PG and a pair of scoring guards will take some creativity in the gameplanning department to make work. It may be worth watching to see if Alonzo Mourning can impart some of his wisdom to the younger guys.
19. Portland Trailblazers (25)
Portland has to have the largest budget for advanced metrics in the league. GM Kucoach has shown us the effects of tanking and offers up great info through advanced stats. His team now appears to be taking a page out of nOLA.s reset book while trying to rebuild while keeping his best player Dirk. The frontcourt of Dirk and Olowokandi is talented and a good fit, recent addition Demarr Johnson brings a championship caliber, should be a fun team to watch.
18. Milwaukee Bucks (26)
Amare is back, Artest got even better, Manu is going to be a great scorere, what could go wrong!?! Well apparently every other guard other than Manu took a giant shit in TC. The team will still be fun to watch and even under Quailman's watchful eye may win quite a few games. But they will need to find a PG (like many other teams) and let Amare continue to grow before they may be ready to compete.
17. Orlando Magic (26)
The Magic should make the playoffs in the still weakened Eastern Conference. They’ve got talented players in Van Horn, Miller, and Battier. The fun part will be watching CG, if they are good does he immediately blow the team up. If they are bad will he trade two future draft picks for a 29 year old expiring? Oh wait..
16. Chicago Bulls (26)
The Bulls have to have the most talent so far on this list. How well that talent meshes has yet to be seen. The Bulls trade block is probably where most of the entertainment value will come from. Every Chicago player has spent time there, but PrepP has refused to trade anyone so far. Regardless Tim Thomas and Stephen Jackson are elite basketball players and we haven’t even started talking about Kobe yet.
15. Charlotte Hornets (27)
If you like watching old Point Guards this is your team. The Hornets were the 5 seed last year and made it to round 2, Zach Randolph is improving and should be developing nicely into a double double machine.
14. Miami Heat (27)
King James may have lost his purple potential in TC, but he is still an athletic freak capable of anything on the court. The Heat just missed out on the playoffs last year and didn’t bring back superstar Shandon Anderson or Bobby Jackson so making the push may be difficult. Regardless Lebron is reason enough to tune in for.
13. Utah Jazz (28)
The Jazz have Tim Duncan, the reigning scoring champ and MVP, and were the 8th seed last year. They drafted Andre Iguodala and return stud Bonzi Wells. It’s hard to say if this team will compete for the division this year, but there will be nights Duncan goes for 40 and 20.
12. Minnesota Timberwolves (28)
TC was unkind to the TWolves Centers, but Bosh is an emerging stud, put Rip and Joe Johnson on the wing and 3 competent PGs b/w Carter, Watson, and Jackson. This team will put up points and do it efficiently. Defense may be a struggle but I like what I’m seeing when I look at that roster.
11. Dallas Mavericks (28)
This team seems to go under the radar somewhat, but they have an incredibly solid foundation. All-Around great PG? Check. Ultra-talented scorer? Check. Defensive big man? Check. The problem here is those guys are 28-30. They need to get some role players around them now.
10. Houston Rockets (30)
The Rockets are going to be good, like really good. They have all-world PG Jason Kidd, who is going to want to live up to that 20 million a year contract. They also have 4 guys who can go off for 20 points easily on any given night, and they are no slouches on defense either. They may be getting up there in age, but it shouldn’t slow them down this season at least.
9. San Antonio Spurs (30)
The Spurs lose Abdur-Rahim, but replace him with a rookie Josh Smith. Smith may not be able to contribute right away at Shareefs level, but in time will grow into a fantastic player. Caron Butler was revived in TC and the Spurs want to get back to the conference finals, almost as bad as he’ll want to embarrass RPF on a regular basis.
8. Indiana Pacers (30)
If the rules suddenly changed and we started playing strictly 2v2 the Pacers would be dominant. Pierce is an elite player and they added the original OP, Shawn Kemp. Those two alone are worth a near perfect score in the individual player appeal category. Plus we all know PaulyP gets the most out of his players. He consistently wins games and I don’t think this year will be much different.
7. Philadelphia 76ers (32)
What a difference a year can make, or just a new GM. Balls is back and has already made some moves. Baron Davis is one of the best PGs in the league, and Tayshaun Prince appears to be ready as a 3 and D wing. While he may have to wait on the time capsule that is Luis Scola, Mr. SoHard will have this team ready to win games in a hurry.
6. LA Lakers (32)
How fitting right above BallSoHards new team is his old one. Reigning Champs and all. Inner moved Van Horn and Jason Kidd in the offseason, but still has one of the best players in the league with Kevin Garnett and Mr. Underrated himself Larry Hughes. He may have removed himself from being a contender, but he got pretty great value for both players he moved. It’ll be interesting to watch if he does the same with KG or tries to add a piece to get himself back to the finals.
5. Washington Wizards (34)
The Wizards won their division last year and appear to have one of the most complete teams in the league. People question what a team featuring both Lamar Odom and Rashard Lewis would look like but Xist has made it work. Shaq is still dominate and Vlad Rad is another 6-10 wing player with versatility. It also doesn’t hurt
4. VanMemphis Grizzlies (34)
The Grizzlies have an outstanding starting 5, but not much outside of it due to being a resident of salary cap hell. This is another interesting team to see which direction they go. If they don’t sell off any pieces I think they’ll be a fun team to watch and if not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
3. Atlanta Hawks (35)
Yeah they may be old, yeah they may be slow, yeah their GM may be a hairless cat, or a robot I don’t think anyone truly knows. But they are still a damn good team. This may be the year they break down, but I think Wig knows what he’s doing. I believe they have one more run in them and they score high in the hoops style category b/c they will be disciplined and have the right gameplan.
2. Toronto Raptors (36)
Is it too early to start the MVP campaign for Chauncey Billups? He is going to be an absolute beast this year. Soundwave is always entertaining and he’s had a team the last few season that’s lived up to all the shit he’s talked. Elton Brand will still produce and Michael Finley may have dropped down to b/b but he is still an exceptional player.
1. Sacramento Kings (37)
It has been suggested (and rightfully) so, to just scrap the season and had the title to Sac-Town. I know we can’t do that, but what we can do is sit in awe and just watch this team win games. T-Mac is only 25 and might win the MVP award for the next 5 years. They added Luol Deng in the draft and Gugliotta and Abdur-Rahim in Free Agency oh and they have 3 first round draft picks next year. Throw in a much improved Kirk Hinrich and defensive stud Tyson Chandler it’s hard to see how this team does not win 60 games.
Lowe: Thanks Bill it’s impossible to watch every minute of every NBA game (or read through each play by play and check the box scores) so I’ve compiled this list and gave each team a score rating from 0-10 in the following 5 categories:
PLAYOFF PICTURE: An estimate of every team’s place in the day-to-day NBA conversation, and where they sit in the playoff picture. Are you contending, are you fighting for a playoff spot, and is it fun to watch which seed a given team may end up with.
INDIVIDUAL PLAYER APPEAL: How often is there a post in the results thread that explodes with a stream of, “HOLY CRAP, LOOK AT THAT BOX SCORE IMMEDIATELY, PLAYER X HAS GONE INSANE!!!!!” Some 30-point games are more stylish than others.
GM / OWNER ENTERTAINMENT VALUE: My pet category — a measure of how a GM acts and sounds based off their teams performance during the season. When you see they posted a new thread or commented are you rushing to read what they wrote or preparing your eye roll emoji.
HOOPS STYLE / GAME PLANNING: A slow-it-down team cycling between motion 2 and motion 3 is less entertaining than, say, whatever it is Balls does. Coaching affects aesthetics! Even when you can’t see it!
UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY SCALE: Bill Simmons’s pet category, back when we did these rankings together. We’re serious about hoops, but lighthearted nonsense can pull you through a Wednesday night in January: “That’s another mid-range jumper from C-Webb, 78 is furiously typing out his resignation letter in the owners suite. And here come the pretzels!”
29. New York Knicks (15)
The Knicks have a bright young core with Yao and Carmelo. Which scored them pretty high on the individual player appeal scale, unfortunately they appear to have very little chance of making the playoffs, but could rank highly on the scale of comedy, watching the 7 and a half foot Yao try to dunk Carmelo for continuing to jack up 3’s despite his 28% average.
28. Phoenix Suns (16)
In a tough Western Conference the Suns stand very little chance of reaching the 8 seed, let alone making some noise in the playoffs. James Posey is a good to great player, but he doesn’t quite have the offensive ability to make you want to watch him night in and night out.
27. Seattle Supersonics (17)
The team is going to be pretty dreadful, but at least their GM Darth is going to be entertaining. Anderson Varejao may put up some numbers, simply for the lack of other options. I’m sure there will be some trades here, but nothing that’s going to make you want to watch double digit beatdowns on the reg from pacific rivals such as the Lakers and Kings.
26. Detroit Pistons (18)
Give this team two years and they should be on the opposite side of the list. #1 pick Dwight Howard got them some points on the individual player appeal scale, but this team is still a ways away from being competitive and have very little talent outside of the top two picks in this years draft.
25. Golden State Warriors (19)
Their GM is a robot, but Jalen Rose is enough reason to watch this team. He drug them to the playoffs last year and at the terrifying age of 31, this may be one of his last seasons playing at an elite level before TC has it’s way with him.
24. Cleveland Cavaliers (20)
The Cavs won 35 games last year led by Michael Redd, Spree, and AI. Spree and Redd are still there (for now) but Iverson and the rest of the supporting cast are gone and this team will be headed to the lotto not the playoffs. 42 will remain entertaining enough to keep an eye on, but the product on the court will be something to keep your eyes away from.
23. New Jersey Nets (22)
The Nets have a young talented squad. Kaman, Gooden, Maggette, Wallace, and rookie Jameer Nelson are all 24 or younger. It may take some time for them all to find their way in the NBA and there will be spots this season where it may get sloppy, but this will be a fun team to watch grow. We all know RPF has one of, if not the strongest GIF games in the league, scoring him high the Entertainment Value category.
22. LA Clippers (23)
The Clippers had a very strong team last year, but not bringing back Van Exel leaves point guard duties to rookie Beno Udrih which could make this team tough to watch. There is still a lot of talent with Magloire, Davis, and an aging Marshall so they should win some games and make some noise.
21. Denver Nuggets (23)
On the flip side I don’t know how many games the Nuggets will win this year, but the backcourt of Gilbert Arenas and Dwyane Wade will be damn fun to watch. Wade is only 22 and I’m expecting almost a double digit jump in his PPG. Arenas is on his 3rd team in 4 years, but is one of only 6 players with a perfect 100 QKN getting him and Wade to mesh may take some time, but I for one will be paying attention to see how it goes.
20. Boston Celtics (25)
You could draw a line chart that shows this GMs activity correlates with Alonzo Mournings production. Will a pair of young promising big men in Boozer/Hunter change that? The potential is there, but the lack of a true PG and a pair of scoring guards will take some creativity in the gameplanning department to make work. It may be worth watching to see if Alonzo Mourning can impart some of his wisdom to the younger guys.
19. Portland Trailblazers (25)
Portland has to have the largest budget for advanced metrics in the league. GM Kucoach has shown us the effects of tanking and offers up great info through advanced stats. His team now appears to be taking a page out of nOLA.s reset book while trying to rebuild while keeping his best player Dirk. The frontcourt of Dirk and Olowokandi is talented and a good fit, recent addition Demarr Johnson brings a championship caliber, should be a fun team to watch.
18. Milwaukee Bucks (26)
Amare is back, Artest got even better, Manu is going to be a great scorere, what could go wrong!?! Well apparently every other guard other than Manu took a giant shit in TC. The team will still be fun to watch and even under Quailman's watchful eye may win quite a few games. But they will need to find a PG (like many other teams) and let Amare continue to grow before they may be ready to compete.
17. Orlando Magic (26)
The Magic should make the playoffs in the still weakened Eastern Conference. They’ve got talented players in Van Horn, Miller, and Battier. The fun part will be watching CG, if they are good does he immediately blow the team up. If they are bad will he trade two future draft picks for a 29 year old expiring? Oh wait..
16. Chicago Bulls (26)
The Bulls have to have the most talent so far on this list. How well that talent meshes has yet to be seen. The Bulls trade block is probably where most of the entertainment value will come from. Every Chicago player has spent time there, but PrepP has refused to trade anyone so far. Regardless Tim Thomas and Stephen Jackson are elite basketball players and we haven’t even started talking about Kobe yet.
15. Charlotte Hornets (27)
If you like watching old Point Guards this is your team. The Hornets were the 5 seed last year and made it to round 2, Zach Randolph is improving and should be developing nicely into a double double machine.
14. Miami Heat (27)
King James may have lost his purple potential in TC, but he is still an athletic freak capable of anything on the court. The Heat just missed out on the playoffs last year and didn’t bring back superstar Shandon Anderson or Bobby Jackson so making the push may be difficult. Regardless Lebron is reason enough to tune in for.
13. Utah Jazz (28)
The Jazz have Tim Duncan, the reigning scoring champ and MVP, and were the 8th seed last year. They drafted Andre Iguodala and return stud Bonzi Wells. It’s hard to say if this team will compete for the division this year, but there will be nights Duncan goes for 40 and 20.
12. Minnesota Timberwolves (28)
TC was unkind to the TWolves Centers, but Bosh is an emerging stud, put Rip and Joe Johnson on the wing and 3 competent PGs b/w Carter, Watson, and Jackson. This team will put up points and do it efficiently. Defense may be a struggle but I like what I’m seeing when I look at that roster.
11. Dallas Mavericks (28)
This team seems to go under the radar somewhat, but they have an incredibly solid foundation. All-Around great PG? Check. Ultra-talented scorer? Check. Defensive big man? Check. The problem here is those guys are 28-30. They need to get some role players around them now.
10. Houston Rockets (30)
The Rockets are going to be good, like really good. They have all-world PG Jason Kidd, who is going to want to live up to that 20 million a year contract. They also have 4 guys who can go off for 20 points easily on any given night, and they are no slouches on defense either. They may be getting up there in age, but it shouldn’t slow them down this season at least.
9. San Antonio Spurs (30)
The Spurs lose Abdur-Rahim, but replace him with a rookie Josh Smith. Smith may not be able to contribute right away at Shareefs level, but in time will grow into a fantastic player. Caron Butler was revived in TC and the Spurs want to get back to the conference finals, almost as bad as he’ll want to embarrass RPF on a regular basis.
8. Indiana Pacers (30)
If the rules suddenly changed and we started playing strictly 2v2 the Pacers would be dominant. Pierce is an elite player and they added the original OP, Shawn Kemp. Those two alone are worth a near perfect score in the individual player appeal category. Plus we all know PaulyP gets the most out of his players. He consistently wins games and I don’t think this year will be much different.
7. Philadelphia 76ers (32)
What a difference a year can make, or just a new GM. Balls is back and has already made some moves. Baron Davis is one of the best PGs in the league, and Tayshaun Prince appears to be ready as a 3 and D wing. While he may have to wait on the time capsule that is Luis Scola, Mr. SoHard will have this team ready to win games in a hurry.
6. LA Lakers (32)
How fitting right above BallSoHards new team is his old one. Reigning Champs and all. Inner moved Van Horn and Jason Kidd in the offseason, but still has one of the best players in the league with Kevin Garnett and Mr. Underrated himself Larry Hughes. He may have removed himself from being a contender, but he got pretty great value for both players he moved. It’ll be interesting to watch if he does the same with KG or tries to add a piece to get himself back to the finals.
5. Washington Wizards (34)
The Wizards won their division last year and appear to have one of the most complete teams in the league. People question what a team featuring both Lamar Odom and Rashard Lewis would look like but Xist has made it work. Shaq is still dominate and Vlad Rad is another 6-10 wing player with versatility. It also doesn’t hurt
4. VanMemphis Grizzlies (34)
The Grizzlies have an outstanding starting 5, but not much outside of it due to being a resident of salary cap hell. This is another interesting team to see which direction they go. If they don’t sell off any pieces I think they’ll be a fun team to watch and if not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
3. Atlanta Hawks (35)
Yeah they may be old, yeah they may be slow, yeah their GM may be a hairless cat, or a robot I don’t think anyone truly knows. But they are still a damn good team. This may be the year they break down, but I think Wig knows what he’s doing. I believe they have one more run in them and they score high in the hoops style category b/c they will be disciplined and have the right gameplan.
2. Toronto Raptors (36)
Is it too early to start the MVP campaign for Chauncey Billups? He is going to be an absolute beast this year. Soundwave is always entertaining and he’s had a team the last few season that’s lived up to all the shit he’s talked. Elton Brand will still produce and Michael Finley may have dropped down to b/b but he is still an exceptional player.
1. Sacramento Kings (37)
It has been suggested (and rightfully) so, to just scrap the season and had the title to Sac-Town. I know we can’t do that, but what we can do is sit in awe and just watch this team win games. T-Mac is only 25 and might win the MVP award for the next 5 years. They added Luol Deng in the draft and Gugliotta and Abdur-Rahim in Free Agency oh and they have 3 first round draft picks next year. Throw in a much improved Kirk Hinrich and defensive stud Tyson Chandler it’s hard to see how this team does not win 60 games.
