BLUNTFORCETRAUMABLAZERS 1989 PRESSER
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2026 1:01 pm
Scene: The camera fades in on stock footage of confetti falling in San Antonio, with a close-up of James Donaldson shrugging as he walks off the court. The film (of course it's a reel-to-reel projector) holds up and stops short, and within a couple of seconds the hot light from the projector causes the celluloid to fade in color, then melt and rip open until there's only white light. No, wait that's not white light. It's the white-hot glare of a piercing, flaming eye.
The camera pulls back and we see the eye belongs to a hairless cat, and he's in the visitor's locker room in San Antonio. His gaze is locked on James Donaldson, who squirms uncomfortably in his chair.
"That was embarassing, James. You let Mike Gminski run roughshod over us. Michael Jordan and Isiah Thomas got to the basket at will, and didn't take a single flagrant foul. I'm not pleased, James. This organization does not tolerate failure. What do you have to say for yourself, James?"
Donaldson is visibly shaken. He starts to stammer out a reply before clutching his throat and gasping for air. The cat raises an eyebrow. Donaldson looks like he is almost lifted from his seat, stands choking for a moment, then collapses to the ground, motionless.
"Apology accepted, James. The rest of you are dismissed."
The rest of the team scrambles out of the locker room like cockroaches suddenly exposed when the lights come on in the kitchen. Within moments, the cat is left alone, perched on James' back. The cat reaches for a rotary phone and makes a few quick flicks of his paw. After a moment, his gravelly voice can be heard, "Nick Malone, my old friend, I hear you're looking for a big man ..."
(Fade to black)
(Fade in to the cat once again seated on a table, surrounded by reporters).
"So, as I was saying, last season was a CATastrophe. Any season that does not end in a championship is a failure. No excuses. We folded like a cheap tent against the Spurs. I hope I have excised the problem.
"James did a solid job for us, sure, but we don't want "solid" - we want "winning." We're happy to get Charles Smith into the fold, and trust he'll be able to finish around the basket when he gets the chance in clutch playoff moments. We have mostly the same players, so we'll try to run back mostly the same strategy... with a little less James and a little more Steve Stipanovich. The Portland Blunt Force Trauma Blazers are back and ready to bruise the league.
"As usual, the goal is simple: title or bust. Actually, no... demoralizing the league is the goal. We think we have the pieces in place to achieve that. We'll see. The signing of Buck Williams in the off-season was yet another step in assembling the all-goggle team. The Suns' StocktonToMalone combination looks dangerous. The Warriors have Tom Chambers... and don't have their own first, so they'll be pulling out all the stops to win. The Lakers brought in Joe Barry Carroll and drafted several young guards. The Sonics are young and hungry. The Clippers... well, the Clippers gonna Clip. Rod Strickland may be great one day but he doesn't scare us yet. This division should do us no favors and hopefully harden us for the playoffs.
"Grabbing Buck Williams was huge for two reasons - first of all, it allowed us to move on from A.C. Green before we had to pay him. Second, Buck was a guy we thought we had a deal for last season, but that fell through when the Pacers sent a huge offer Greg Kelser's way, preventing us from resigning him and including his salary in a sign-and-trade. We made a lot of moves to get younger... I think we are still a squad with growth potential from our youth. As usual, the Wig training regimen will be applied to our players to make sure they grow into my ideal vision of Blazers. We are planning to raise the next generation of Portland stars starting now.
"Can't wait to get the season started. Questions?"
The camera pulls back and we see the eye belongs to a hairless cat, and he's in the visitor's locker room in San Antonio. His gaze is locked on James Donaldson, who squirms uncomfortably in his chair.
"That was embarassing, James. You let Mike Gminski run roughshod over us. Michael Jordan and Isiah Thomas got to the basket at will, and didn't take a single flagrant foul. I'm not pleased, James. This organization does not tolerate failure. What do you have to say for yourself, James?"
Donaldson is visibly shaken. He starts to stammer out a reply before clutching his throat and gasping for air. The cat raises an eyebrow. Donaldson looks like he is almost lifted from his seat, stands choking for a moment, then collapses to the ground, motionless.
"Apology accepted, James. The rest of you are dismissed."
The rest of the team scrambles out of the locker room like cockroaches suddenly exposed when the lights come on in the kitchen. Within moments, the cat is left alone, perched on James' back. The cat reaches for a rotary phone and makes a few quick flicks of his paw. After a moment, his gravelly voice can be heard, "Nick Malone, my old friend, I hear you're looking for a big man ..."
(Fade to black)
(Fade in to the cat once again seated on a table, surrounded by reporters).
"So, as I was saying, last season was a CATastrophe. Any season that does not end in a championship is a failure. No excuses. We folded like a cheap tent against the Spurs. I hope I have excised the problem.
"James did a solid job for us, sure, but we don't want "solid" - we want "winning." We're happy to get Charles Smith into the fold, and trust he'll be able to finish around the basket when he gets the chance in clutch playoff moments. We have mostly the same players, so we'll try to run back mostly the same strategy... with a little less James and a little more Steve Stipanovich. The Portland Blunt Force Trauma Blazers are back and ready to bruise the league.
"As usual, the goal is simple: title or bust. Actually, no... demoralizing the league is the goal. We think we have the pieces in place to achieve that. We'll see. The signing of Buck Williams in the off-season was yet another step in assembling the all-goggle team. The Suns' StocktonToMalone combination looks dangerous. The Warriors have Tom Chambers... and don't have their own first, so they'll be pulling out all the stops to win. The Lakers brought in Joe Barry Carroll and drafted several young guards. The Sonics are young and hungry. The Clippers... well, the Clippers gonna Clip. Rod Strickland may be great one day but he doesn't scare us yet. This division should do us no favors and hopefully harden us for the playoffs.
"Grabbing Buck Williams was huge for two reasons - first of all, it allowed us to move on from A.C. Green before we had to pay him. Second, Buck was a guy we thought we had a deal for last season, but that fell through when the Pacers sent a huge offer Greg Kelser's way, preventing us from resigning him and including his salary in a sign-and-trade. We made a lot of moves to get younger... I think we are still a squad with growth potential from our youth. As usual, the Wig training regimen will be applied to our players to make sure they grow into my ideal vision of Blazers. We are planning to raise the next generation of Portland stars starting now.
"Can't wait to get the season started. Questions?"