#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

A cracking portrait, the fondling of the trophies
The null of losing, can you afford that luxury?
A sore winner, but I'll just keep my mouth shut
It shouldn't bother me, but it does

Owner:

Glad to see you sons of bitches have learned to at least hide any smirks you have. We said we were serious about making the playoffs, and we did. Nerdo did what it took, I spent what it took, and that blockhead coach figured out some things that worked finally.

Coach:

We just need to put the ball in that hole. When it comes out, we need to get the ball again.

Owner:

Jesus Frye.

At any rate, we've talked about the plan, and we're going to keep pushing as is for the most part . . . until we don't. We know we can't win a title, and that's not the goal, at least in the short term. We're not deluded like most of the chimps you are used to interviewing. We're losers, we know. But, just like we helped ruin the Hawks last season, exactly like we said would despite the best efforts of the enablers of the league, we may take a shot at a contended this season, too, just to be dicks. Or, we may gift a dark horse some of our best players, again, just to be dicks.

I don't know when we'll push reset, but when we do, buckle the Frye up, because

WE

ARE

GOING

TO

TANK

And we are going to do it in a spectacular fashion. You will have never seen anything like it. You will have outcry for intervention, but you won't get it. Personally, I can't wait.

In conclusion, Frye you all, suck my dick, and your wife already did. Oh, did I forget to point to whose? Awwww...

Pencildick, take over.

GM:

As always, thank you, sir, for allowing us to operate this team in the manner we do.

To, uhhhh, clarify the plan, many of you have noticed that we have not really engaged in much trading. We've set our time table, and only special deals will cause us to change that. It's been the same from the beginning. We'll reset during or just after this season. When depends on the deals and the . . . strategic insight . . . of ownership.

Our goals this season, aside from the overarching time table, include winning as much as possible and upsetting the competitive structure of the League. Our team employs principles of economics, science, philosophy, and game theory in our operations. Some simple and overlooked ideas are to only play games, or to at least bet more, when the odds are in your favor to win. The League is a number of simultaneous games, and only focusing on one leads to poor results, or at best inconsistent good results. We were not able to beat the top teams in the League on the court, but we were able to help hand the Title to the Raptors by weakening the Hawks. This and the Hawks' in ability to actually manage a roster, something we have spend great resources on, had as much to with the Title as the bona fide talent on and off the court in the Commonwealth. Congratulations to the Raptors and Soundwave and "You're welcome."

We will continue this. The dissolution of our team will consist in bestowing our assets on teams that prove their work, and they'll get the assets at a discount. Similarly, we'll take on bad assets from otherwise promising teams in a effort to break up the logjam in the League.

This is not entirely to serve the end of chaos, though management insists that order be destroyed, but it will create inefficiencies for us to exploit in our rebuild. These inefficiencies are what we I really want, and we are prepared to wait for them while we sit on our war chest.

And so begins the season.

And so begins the contest to win our best players and our cap space.

And so begins the questioning.

What if there's no more fun to have?
And all I've got is what I had?
What if I have forgotten how?
Cut my losses and get out now?

Random Reporter: Are you having fun yet? Because it sure sounds like you're enjoying things.

Does tanking mean Latrell Sprewell is on the move?

Xist2Inspire wrote:Random Reporter: Are you having fun yet? Because it sure sounds like you're enjoying things.

Owner:

You ain't seen nothing yet, bitch.

Are you the hero we dont deserve, but the hero we need?

Sent via Morse code

WigNosy wrote:Does tanking mean Latrell Sprewell is on the move?

GM:

To answer your question fairly, I need to give some background. Bear in mind that ownership requires long answers to include some berating of other teams, so excuse the asides as they simply can not be helped.

We unintentionally learned just how to have good players and be bad thanks our coach in our inaugural season. So, we feel like we can hold on to some on court assets and still tank. Mr. Sprewell is a talented player, and the Sonics showed that when players are old enough and on a swiss cheese roster, the players simply can not out play their lack of stamina and teammates.

Also, it's very clear that tanking is misunderstood by the League. It's narrowly and simply construed, which ownership tells us is to be expected. Normally, the idea is that tanking has the aim of maximizing draft lottery outcome, which is not completely determined by team performance. Then, the the player has to develop properly with few set backs and perhaps have additional training to pay off. This has to happen multiple times, with each step forward for the player being a step back for the team trying to continue to maximize in the draft.

We view tanking much more broadly, and in a way that is completely immune to prosecution by the League. We also feel that the strategy is so obvious that it should be readily apprehended by any who consider the problem. As it has not been tried, we feel no danger in actually disclosing it completely, just as we have all our plans, since our considerations will simply be dismissed if understood.

The idea is simply to replace the end goal of winning a title with building assets to be used over a specific period of time. Losing is a tool, just as draft picks are a tool. There are untapped resources in the League, and we intend to tap them. There are untried techniques, and intend to try them. Provided we move our measurement of success off the basketball court, we can better guarantee our goals. Then, if we hit the lottery . . . we can keep the pick or trade it for things we value more.

So, Mr. Sprewell is someone we feel that we can keep and a be bad, but also trade for the right package. In his case, however, we may just let him stay in Cleveland, then max him, just to ensure that does not end up in the wrong hands.

Next?

NOLa. wrote:Are you the hero we dont deserve, but the hero we need?

Sent via Morse code

Owner:

Sacramento, huh? I've been to Fairfield, which is closer than I ever want to be your cow pasture of a state capital. The Philly had roast beef, and the bread was toasted. Add mayo, that's you.

Dumbass.

GM:

Next?

42PhD wrote:

NOLa. wrote:Are you the hero we dont deserve, but the hero we need?

Sent via Morse code

Owner:

Sacramento, huh? I've been to Fairfield, which is closer than I ever want to be your cow pasture of a state capital. The Philly had roast beef, and the bread was toasted. Add mayo, that's you.

Dumbass.

GM:

Next?

Sent via Morse code

NOLa. wrote:

42PhD wrote:

NOLa. wrote:Are you the hero we dont deserve, but the hero we need?

Sent via Morse code

Owner:

Sacramento, huh? I've been to Fairfield, which is closer than I ever want to be your cow pasture of a state capital. The Philly had roast beef, and the bread was toasted. Add mayo, that's you.

Dumbass.

GM:

Next?

Sent via Morse code

GM:

We actually had a nice trade with Detroit last season where we acquired a raw Center with potential for a veteran point guard. We bear no ill will to our Great Lake brethren.

What expectations do you have for this team after last year's playoff run? You have a veteran starting lineup. Do you feel confident enough in this group to reach expectations?

Random Dallas reporter:

The Cavaliers have improved drastically over the last two seasons. Do you expect this trend to continue for the next two seasons?

Awarded 5 PTS!

78# wrote:What expectations do you have for this team after last year's playoff run? You have a veteran starting lineup. Do you feel confident enough in this group to reach expectations?

GM:

We expect to be a little above 0.500 unless we make moves. If we maintain or improve that should make the playoffs with a first or second round exit.

Our team is up for it. We will continue lineup experiments. We start the season more open than we did last season, and we have better roster overall to start this season, allowing us more permutations to try.

fearthebrow wrote:Random Dallas reporter:

The Cavaliers have improved drastically over the last two seasons. Do you expect this trend to continue for the next two seasons?

GM:

No. I know it won't because I will not let it, per ownership's plan, as we laid out from Day 1.

Next?

IamQuailman wrote:Awarded 5 PTS!

Owner:

What the Frye is a point?