#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

As the reporters file into the room, the cat is feeding posters into an industrial-size paper shredder. As the poster is fed in, bottom-first, there's just enough time to see a Paper Towel logo affixed to the top of the poster, but not enough time to identify the brand. The cat looks up, guiltily, and hops onto a desk at the front of the room.

"Wait, you all are back? Again?" He heaves a deep sigh. "So, last season saw us come up short of a title. Again."

Steve Duin of the Oregonian pipes up, "Mister Nosy, what was with that poster we just saw you shred that said 'Bounty' on top?"

The cat fidgets for a moment, then brightens. "Ah, you see, this year, we are proud to announce a new corporate sponsor. You may have heard them on my podcasts. This year the Portland BluntForceTraumaBlazers will be sponsored by Brazen Paper Towels! So of course, we, uh, had to make sure that all references to our old paper towel brand sponsor, Bounty, have been removed from the arena, and now they have been!

Duin responds, "why did the rest of the poster look like the Kansas City Kings' promotional poster?"

The cat snaps back, "that's a question for the Bounty Marketing Department, I just take their money and hang their stuff up. Does anyone ELSE have any questions?"

The room is silent. Wig flicks a switch on a projector and the room lights up…

[media] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHwVBir ... wAo7VqN5tD[/media]

As the film ends, the cat cuts the projector.

"So, we came up short last season. Then we watched top teams in the West panic in the offseason. Once we kneecapped the Warriors' backcourt by taking back what was rightfully ours - David Thompson - they traded away Moses Malone. The Kings were so traumatized by us breaking their... uh... 'will to win' in the playoffs that they shipped away their whole Big Three. The Lakers were scared of losing talent and are apparently trying to single-handedly contribute the entire GDP of the State of California to the Luxury Tax. The Jazz have been selling pieces off left and right since Kiki Vandeweghe left (not that I blame them). The Sonics traded Dennis Johnson for a song and brought in... as 27-year old almost-rookie. Clearly, the West is afflicted with a case of Wig Derangement Syndrome.

The East top teams didn't fare much better. Michael Cooper packed up and left Milwaukee. The Bulls traded away Alex English and George Gervin. The Bullets thought Tom Chambers was the answer (he's not). The Knicks... okay, they brought in Moses so they had a pretty good off-season. The Cavaliers weren't willing to pay Clemon Johnson.

"All of this is our way of saying we feel pretty good about bringing back more or less the same squad that went to the Finals last season. Training Camp wasn't kind to James Worthy, but we insured him so hopefully the damage is mitigated. So I ask again... does anyone ELSE have any questions?"

GWR: What do you think you need to do to be a top 10 defense?

JNR wrote: Sun Aug 03, 2025 8:08 am GWR: What do you think you need to do to be a top 10 defense?

Considering we finished #7 in Defensive Efficiency last season, I think the answer is “more defensive slides in practice.”

Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: You talk a lot about the deficiencies of other teams, but I am curious if you think there are any in yours that you will need to strengthen somehow in season.


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AngryBanana wrote: Sun Aug 03, 2025 3:38 pm Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: You talk a lot about the deficiencies of other teams, but I am curious if you think there are any in yours that you will need to strengthen somehow in season.


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This is a good question. What our squad has lacked consistently is the ability to lock down a single transcendent star. Trades can sometimes solve this… and also manage a heart transplants, since we clearly need to be nastier and strike fear into our opponents. We will always be looking for ways to improve, and I think a single lockdown defender with a mean streak would be a good start. Anyone who wants to call me has my number.

You made some very saavy pickups in UFA.
Is your intention to maximize on the impact of Hubbard, Thompson, and Spanarkel, or try to flip them for another star?

Mike Lowry wrote: Sun Aug 03, 2025 6:11 pm You made some very saavy pickups in UFA.
Is your intention to maximize on the impact of Hubbard, Thompson, and Spanarkel, or try to flip them for another star?

We're becoming well-known for our "whole team" approach, where we look to wear teams down thanks to our depth. While we would always welcome the opportunity to upgrade our roster with additional star power, depth - especially at modest contracts - is, we feel, an underrated commodity and one we hope to take advantage of.

Rumor has that your player have been training with world class Brazilian Ju Jitsu fighters this offseason. Will there be a different form of blunt force this season?

Picks Emmington of the SLOE Gazette,

While you had another great season, and in the toughest division, what will be the message to the team after coming up short for the second time in 4 seasons? How do you see this team crossing that threshold to greatness?

Eazy P wrote: Mon Aug 04, 2025 12:13 pm Rumor has that your player have been training with world class Brazilian Ju Jitsu fighters this offseason. Will there be a different form of blunt force this season?

That's the hope.

BigDaddyd8720 wrote: Mon Aug 04, 2025 12:32 pm Picks Emmington of the SLOE Gazette,

While you had another great season, and in the toughest division, what will be the message to the team after coming up short for the second time in 4 seasons? How do you see this team crossing that threshold to greatness?

The message? Keep improving. We're a young team and should continue to grow from within.

How will we cross the threshold to greatness? If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

No question just more of a statement.

Stop hurting people.

That is all.

Darth Vegito wrote: Mon Aug 04, 2025 2:22 pm No question just more of a statement.

Stop hurting people.

That is all.

No.

Was it always the plan to have such a bruising, enforcing, physical type of team?

RPF wrote: Mon Aug 04, 2025 2:37 pm Was it always the plan to have such a bruising, enforcing, physical type of team?

Prior to the creation draft, I felt there were several archetypes I could focus on drafting and that the Portland Trailblazers existed in a state of quantum superposition where all of these possibilities were equally likley. As the draft moved on, it became clear based on who was available that the BluntForceTraumaBlazers iteration of the team was the one that was going to be available. So, no, it wasn't always the plan; the creation draft, however, kind of caused the team's wave function to collapse into what you now observe.

Do you think "magic" of the Lakers are going to finally catch up with your "blunt force trauma" blazers?

LazyTitanSmash wrote: Mon Aug 04, 2025 3:53 pm Do you think "magic" of the Lakers are going to finally catch up with your "blunt force trauma" blazers?

My brain says "yes" but my heart says "no."