#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

I haven’t smelled this much tobacco smoke since going to a bar in Chicago in the future aughts. It’s amazing. Literally everyone is smoking, even the nonsmokers, because jfc there’s so much smoke in the air.

And a healthy concentration of tobacco smoke is flowing out of two red curtains parting on the stage, like a smoky sea, as Moses Malone steps out to the podium and grabs the microphone like it’s some puny reporter’s neck.

“Listen up you sons of bitches, you have just entered the Mo Zone of Moses Malone. I will change your life. I will make it worse. I will make it better if you live in the Bay Area, but if you live in Dallas, Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, Seattle, Los Angeles or Fidel Castro’s Cuba, I will make it worse. Somehow.”

“Mr. Moses-”

“Don’t you Mr. Moses me! I AM Moses! The one and only Moses. Do you know any other Moseses?”

“I-”

“YOU DON’T. NOW. It’s a new decade, a new game of play, a new basketball, and I’ve been defining this new decade for the last two decades that I’ve been alive. I am the past, present and future. I am your retribution. I don’t really know what that means but it sounded cool when someone else said it…probably in the future. <expletive deleted>, I will Make America Great Again.”

“But let’s talk basketball, okay? Cause we’re gonna play it. My teammates are gonna play it, and let me tell you something about my teammates. I have them. It may not seem like it sometimes, but they’re there. I couldn’t do any of this without them. They are some quality people who also play basketball. They don’t play basketball like me, but no one else plays basketball like me neither and no one WIL-”

Moses is interrupted. A tiny little guy with glasses runs up to moses at the podium and motions for Moses to lean over so he could speak quietly into his ear.

“WHAT?!” Moses yelled, pulling his head up. The tiny little guy with glasses said a few more inaudible words, shrugged his shoulders, and ran back off stage.

Moses looked out into the audience and pool of reporters. He looked like himself, still, but somehow, slightly…less.

“I don’t know what the hell that tiny little guy with glasses thinks he was talking about, but I’ll tell you this. The Golden State Warriors might not win any championships this year - not unless I have something to say about it - but Moses Malone WILL be the 1980 PBSL MVP. You can bet your asses on that. Now ask me some questions or less my ass. …KISS my ass. What the fu-”

Generic Wolves Reporter: You clearly have a team designed for inside scoring, but what do you think is the defensive profile of this team?

JNR wrote: Sat Dec 14, 2024 11:22 am Generic Wolves Reporter: You clearly have a team designed for inside scoring, but what do you think is the defensive profile of this team?

Fantastic question. The defensive profile is ME, Moses Malone. Don't anybody else on this team know how to play no middling defense at best. But for real man, I don't know. If we can just secure boards once shots are missed, we should stay afloat until some of our underdeveloped talent...well, develops. And I would have had a better answer to your question if Wes Unseld wasn't drafted a few picks before ours was up.

Steve Duin, the Oregonian: Mister Malone, sir, your GM drafted a young team to grow with you. What mentorship skills do you bring to the table? Do you feel either Mike Mitchell or James Bailey have the potential to shift positions from small forward to power forward to take some of the load off you when it comes to battling in the paint?

Also, can you speak to the rumors that it was the league's recent implementation of a drug-testing policy and the whispers that you had to change your training regimen in response, leading to the diminishment of your formidable abilities?

TikToc Influencer "Laker Hater" here, from "TikTok News" : How do plan on making sure the Lakers do not end the season ahead of the warriors in the west?

Follow up question, what are the chances you send the Lakers a trade offer this season?

Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: Mr. One and Only Moses sir, do you plan on parting the Soviet Red Sea that is the Seattle Sonics this season and working your way towards a title? If so do you think that Eddie Johnson and Mike Mitchell are enough to start that exodus out of mediocrity and into the promised land?


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Moses Malone looked great in the preseason, do you think he could have done better?

WigNosy wrote: Sat Dec 14, 2024 11:29 pm Steve Duin, the Oregonian: Mister Malone, sir, your GM drafted a young team to grow with you. What mentorship skills do you bring to the table? Do you feel either Mike Mitchell or James Bailey have the potential to shift positions from small forward to power forward to take some of the load off you when it comes to battling in the paint?

Also, can you speak to the rumors that it was the league's recent implementation of a drug-testing policy and the whispers that you had to change your training regimen in response, leading to the diminishment of your formidable abilities?

what the heck?! I replied to this in a clever fashion already. Hmph. 2nd try incoming

WigNosy wrote: Sat Dec 14, 2024 11:29 pm Steve Duin, the Oregonian: Mister Malone, sir, your GM drafted a young team to grow with you. What mentorship skills do you bring to the table? Do you feel either Mike Mitchell or James Bailey have the potential to shift positions from small forward to power forward to take some of the load off you when it comes to battling in the paint?

I bring all the mentorship skills, along with my All Star and MVP caliber play. Our GM went the win later route, after drafting me (dumb), and there's nothing I can do about that. So I will help these undeveloped Warriors become champions. I will need a little extra help in the front court as time goes on, but for now, I have help from Bailey grabbing boards, at least. Mike Mitchell can focus on scoring...after me.

Also, can you speak to the rumors that it was the league's recent implementation of a drug-testing policy and the whispers that you had to change your training regimen in response, leading to the diminishment of your formidable abilities?

I'm no Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I am a monster. Ain't no additional or lack of Flinstone vitamins are changing that. But I WILL eat boneheads who challenge me in the paint thinking I'm half the man I used to be. And I. Am. Hungry.

LazyTitanSmash wrote: Sun Dec 15, 2024 5:14 pm TikToc Influencer "Laker Hater" here, from "TikTok News" : How do plan on making sure the Lakers do not end the season ahead of the warriors in the west?

Keep dreaming. You'll never beat me, at anything, ever, for all time.

Follow up question, what are the chances you send the Lakers a trade offer this season?

If I decide I want the Lakers to beat me, I will trade with the Lakers. Unrelated, you smell like SoCal. And Moses doesn't like that.

AngryBanana wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2024 8:07 am Chet Youbetcha, Dimmadome News: Mr. One and Only Moses sir, do you plan on parting the Soviet Red Sea that is the Seattle Sonics this season and working your way towards a title? If so do you think that Eddie Johnson and Mike Mitchell are enough to start that exodus out of mediocrity and into the promised land?


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Eddie Johnson and Mike Mitchell will have to be that for now. Whether or not they succeed depends on our Sim 1 matchups. We live in a division of killers, to be certain, and everyone has massive talent on their teams. All we have to look at right now are preseason results to make any determination how we stack up against them, but we have the same preseason record and only about 1pt difference in point differential. I reckon we'll be battling all the way into May, because we both are playoff bound teams.

Robert Parish will be a tough opponent either way. Let's get that right.

Eazy P wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2024 10:07 am Moses Malone looked great in the preseason, do you think he could have done better?

Of course I could have done better if the commissioner didn't implement new drug testing standards. What incomprehensible evil...! But hey, I will be sure to put up incredible numbers for the Bay Area faithful. We haven't won in 5 years, but I'm ready to bring a title here before I retire.

Mr. Malone!
Mr. Malone!
What HAPPENED at training camp?????

Mike Lowry wrote: Mon Dec 16, 2024 4:04 pm Mr. Malone!
Mr. Malone!
What HAPPENED at training camp?????

I think that's the problem! There was no training camp!!! What can I say, it took its toll on me. What goes up must come down, but I didn't think it would come down at the ripe age of 25.

To think it's all downhill from here... at 25... jesus...

Random Reporter: Mr. Prince of Egypt, you have the raw talent to duke it out with any big in the league. However, you'll be giving up at least 2 inches in size in every divisional game. How do you plan to stay fresh and motivated to duke it out with the giants in your division night in and night out?

Xist2Inspire wrote: Tue Dec 17, 2024 3:41 pm Random Reporter: Mr. Prince of Egypt, you have the raw talent to duke it out with any big in the league. However, you'll be giving up at least 2 inches in size in every divisional game. How do you plan to stay fresh and motivated to duke it out with the giants in your division night in and night out?

Well, I'd say I stay fresh by running every day. Yeah, that's something I do. You gotta keep your stamina up if you wanna bump around in this league. I might give up some inches but they might give up some fouls to try and stop me.