#SLOE: People's Basketball Sim League

*flash*

Wilbon: Wha…what happened? Where are we?

Kornheiser: I don’t know, but whoever is responsible is going to have to pay for this. My hairpiece is out of place.

Wilbon: Here, I see a desk with a couple of cameras in front of it. Are we on television? Is this live?

Kornheiser: I hope not. Where are we? The colors are faded. Last I remember we were somewhere in the mid 2040s. I shouldn’t have been alive but somehow was. Is that a newspaper, Wilbon?

Wilbon: Yes…it says the day is…October 8, 1981?! Partner, we’re back in the 80s!

Kornheiser: Wow! Back before ESPN hired us. Back when we were just journalists and not personalities! I wonder if we are our younger selves…we are! I don’t need my hairpiece after all!

Wilbon: But it just looked so real, Tony. Is that a notebook on the desk? What does it say?

Kornheiser: It says…do a reaction of the NPBSL creation draft. More instructions to come.

Wilbon: NPBSL? We only cover the PBSL!

Kornheiser: Well we did, like once every fifteen years or so.

Wilbon: It just takes that long for hair and makeup.

Kornheiser: How? You don’t have any hair!

Wilbon: Neither do you.

Kornheiser: That was future Tony. I’m 80s Tony now, and I look good.

Wilbon: Well I guess we’re doing a draft reaction for the new creation draft. Look tony! The teams are just like they were in the 80s when the NBA was still a thing!

Kornheiser: Good, so we won’t sound like total idiots when we give our reactions. Think we should talk to the camera now?

Wilbon: Good idea. Pardon the Interruption but I’m Mike Wilbon and we’re going to do what this mysterious paper told us to do.

Kornheiser: Pardon the Interruption but I’m Tony Kornheiser, and don’t get too excited because we will probably only do the first round, creation drafts are insanely long.

Wilbon: Stay tuned to this channel for reactions to the NPBSL Creation Draft!

Wilbon: First pick we got the Suns taking Magic Johnson. Pretty nothingburger to react to, Tony.

Kornheiser: Nothingburger? You must be eating those thin patties from McDonalds. This is a dynamite pick, the only one he could’ve made.

Wilbon: Exactly! So you want him to get a medal for doing what he’s supposed to do? Let’s start giving people awards for breathing next.

Kornheiser: My partner is feeling woozy from the time travel. This is a great pick for Phoenix and Magic is going to be the best player in the league next year. Book it!

Kornheiser: All right Mike, the next pick was the Houston Rockets picking Larry Bird. Another obvious pick, another great pick.

Wilbon: Wake me up when someone grabs Henry Bibby in the second round. It’s all chalk right now, and will continue to be for a while. Larry is going to be Magic’s rival for years, and it’s good they’re in the same conference. Larry will be the best three point shooter by far.

Kornheiser: Yeah he may even take two shots a game too.

Kornheiser: Moving on we have the third pick from the Warriors, they picked 26 year old Moses Malone.

Wilbon: The actual best player of the year next year, Tony. Did you forget it’s the 80s and it’s a big man’s league? Moses is an athletic beast who is already the best scorer inside in the league. Plus he can defend and rebound. The warriors will instantly be great with Moses at the middle.

Kornheiser: Yeah he’s a special player. Warriors got a dominant center and are poised to be a top team. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Wilbon: Okay with the 4th pick now we’re getting somewhere. Someone who wasn’t just the next available best player from the mock draft. The Seattle Sonics pick Robert Parish.

Kornheiser: Not the best available player? Parish is a beast!

Wilbon: From the mock draft, do you even listen?

Kornheiser: not when I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next. Listen. We are in the age of big men. And parish is athletic, he is strong, he is an amazing defender and rebounder. He’s going to take the Sonics places.

Wilbon: Yeah for the next three years. He’s 28 Tony. And even going back in time, we know what happens to 31 year olds. He’s a good player, but it’s now very important for the rest of the Sonics build that they make a focus on older talent or else they will have some questions to answer in a few years.

Wilbon: Let’s move on to five. The San Diego Clippers picked Reggie Theus. Seemed like a reach to me, especially if you look at the mock draft and how far down Theus was.

Kornheiser: Mock shmock, I don’t care about what a mock says. I care about what my eyes see. And when I see Theus, do you know what I see?

Wilbon: Glorious hair you’ll never have?

Kornheiser: No, you stone throwing glass houser, I see a tall athletic guard who can run an offense and is only 23 years old.

Wilbon: He turns 24 before the season starts.

Kornheiser: What are you, a birth certificate expert? He’s still young and insanely talented. I think he can be a great player in this league. Great pick from the Clippers.

Wilbon: Bad pick. Bad!

Wilbon: Next up the Jazz selected Kiki Vandeweghe, a rookie who looks like a scoring fiend.

Kornheiser: Athletic too. Really good player. Just one problem I see with him, and that’s his one dimension. He’ll be an all time scorer, but what else can he do?

Wilbon: He can be 6 foot 8 and has the strength of an ox! Listen Tony. There are plenty of guys who can defend and rebound and pass. That’s what the GM is going to handle. And Kiki can handle scoring. It’s a fantastic pick and he’s going to only get better.

Kornheiser: Pick 7, the Kings picked Sikma. Fantastic pick, and he’s going to love Kansas City. Great town.

Wilbon: It’s not a town, it’s a city. It’s in the name!

Kornheiser: Kansas Town, it’s beautiful this time of year.

Wilbon: You’re an idiot, but you’re right about Sikma. He’s big, he’s talented, and he can score. He’s been working on his offensive rebounding, but when that kicks in, he’s going to be an unstoppable force in the middle.

Kornheiser: You can’t go wrong starting your team around a big man.

Kornheiser: After that we had the Cavaliers drafting Sidney Moncrief. Noticing anything Wilbon?

Wilbon: If you’re asking if I notice that most picks are PGs or big men, yes I’ve noticed. Kiki and Larry aside, it seems that most teams want to start their franchise with a big or a point, and I don’t blame them. Moncrief is an excellent choice.

Wilbon: Absolutely. I think my favorite thing about him is that he’s a good offensive rebounder for a point guard. He really follows the ball, and that includes defensively as well. He still has some room to grow into his inside scoring but I think he’s going to be an absolute star. He’s strong for a little guy too.

Kornheiser: Little guy? He’s a six foot four mountain of a man! How tall are you, Wilbon?

Wilbon: Relatively.

Kornheiser: Five eight?

Wilbon: RELATIVELY!

Wilbon: The Bullets selected next and they got Brad Davis. Davis is 25, another point guard. This guy was mocked to go in the second round, Tony. Any idea why he’d be projected that low?

Kornheiser: You’re trying to get me to say something that’ll get me in trouble. No I don’t know why the mocks don’t like him. He’s a great ball handler, decently athletic, can defend well. He’s not going to be your best scorer.

Wilbon: Unless you field a jump shooting team, because that thing is wet, Tony!

Kornheiser: It’s very wet.

Wilbon: Like a rainstorm! I think most teams are afraid of Magic Johnson, so they’re loading up on point guards who can to step up. I like this pick.

Wilbon: The Spurs select Kevin McHale. This may be the first player selected who isn’t already a monster. Smart pick because it shows they have a plan.

Kornheiser: Yeah, they don’t want to win right away, and I think that’s smart. Kevin is young. He may not be a monster yet but he’s a monster in training.

Wilbon: Assistant monster.

Kornheiser: The monster’s apprentice. I’m excited to see the rest of East’s vision here.

Wilbon: Then the Pacers grabbed Adrian Dantley, and if you were feeling anxious about Kiki’s one dimensional skillset, you must be having a full blown panic attack on this one!

Kornheiser: Do they sell anti anxiety medication yet? Yea, the fact that Dantley can only score is a bit worrying. He’s also incredibly athletic. Plus he’s got some offensive rebounding. So he will probably be fine. He’ll be a top five scorer for years.

Wilbon: Yep, and as long as Pauly can build around that with some other skilled players, I think it’ll be a dynamite pick.

Kornheiser: The twelfth pick saw Michael Cooper going to Chicago. Absolutely great pick. He’s a very skilled guard with room to grow and the potential to be a great defender.

Wilbon: It’s true. I think he has the potential to be the best shooting guard in the league. He isn’t fast enough to be a point guard, and he is probably the slowest guard drafted so far, but he will be skilled enough to more than make up for that.

Kornheiser: Speaking of Michael Cooper, I have sources that tell me that for the next pick, the Sixers thought they were drafting Cooper and drafted Mychal Thompson instead.

Wilbon: You have sources?

Kornheiser: I have sources.

Wilbon: You haven’t left this desk since we got sent here! You haven’t even gone to the bathroom! Are the sources in your head?

Kornheiser: They council me, they understand. Anyway, despite the snafu I think Thompson will be a good player.

Wilbon: Me too, Tony, but the problem is you don’t want just a good player with your first round pick. You want a star. Thompson is a decent rebounder and defender and should score a lot inside, but there’s a reason he was mocked to fall in the middle of the second round.

Kornheiser: You and these mocks! It’s a fine pick.

Wilbon: The fourteenth pick went to New Jersey.

Kornheiser: Back in New Jersey! Goodbye Brooklyn!

Wilbon: The Nets drafted Clifford Robinson, a 20 year old rookie who has a lot of potential.

Kornheiser: Lot of potential, lot of room to grow. He’s going to be good some day, but it clear that the Nets are focused on being lousy now.

Wilbon: Lousy?

Kornheiser: LOUSY. By the time the next draft pick comes to them, they probably won’t have a player who can make an impact this year. Which means they’re dedicated to being bad for the next few years. And from what we’ve heard about the next few drafts, maybe it’s a good thing.

Wilbon: You’ve got to have a plan, and RPF definitely does. And when he gets a good draft pick and Robinson turns into a stud, I’m going to be laughing all the way to the bank.

Kornheiser: The bank? Why, are you betting on the Nets to lose all their games? Because betting isn’t legal anymore since we came back to the 80s.

Wilbon: The Bucks picked Bill Laimbeer. Solid pick.

Kornheiser: You’re starting to see the quality of the players diminish slightly, and I only mean slightly. Laimbeer is good, will probably be great one day. But is he a centerpiece?

Wilbon: Are you drafting a team or are you making a Thanksgiving dinner? Who needs a centerpiece Tony? What I need is rebounding. What I need is scoring. A big man with a jump shot? That’s rare now. I like the pick and I trust Quailman to make it work.

Kornheiser: The Pistons picked Marques Johnson. A good scorer who has very impressive athleticism. I think he can be a top scorer in an inside focused offense.

Wilbon: Sure. He’s skilled. He is going to find it hard to be a defender at the 2 and 3 position with so many talented wings.

Kornheiser: I disagree. He’s so fast and strong that I think he can make up for whatever defensive shortcomings he may have. And his offensive prowess will more than make up for it.

Wilbon: The Lakers selected World B. Free with the 17th pick. God I love that name.

Kornheiser: Classic name, classic skillset. He's a good player. He's a little bit older than a lot of the earlier draft picks, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing because the Lakers will be up for their second pick sooner than some of those other teams. So they have the potential to grab another immediate contributor in the second round and set themselves up to be a good team right away.

Wilbon: World still has a ways to go defensively, but he's going to score, and that'll make the Lakers very dangerous. I give it a 8 out of 10 for the pick!

Kornheiser: What, we're doing ratings now? 17 picks in?

Wilbon: Forgive me, I'm still a little confused from being transported 60 years into the past.

Kornheiser: And then the Atlanta Hawks grabbed Dennis Johnson with the 18th pick, and here I get a little conflicted.

Wilbon: Dennis Johnson is a very good player.

Kornheiser: I'm not so sure. He's a great scorer and his speed and athleticism are off the charts, but I keep hearing about his defensive potential and his playmaking ability, and I've got to say I don't see it right now.

Wilbon: He'll grow into it.

Kornheiser: He's 27, he should be in his prime now. Waiting for those ratings to tick up as the death clock of Age 31 looms is a scary proposition. I'll be interested in seeing who they grab to pair with him, but mark me as unconvinced.

Wilbon: The Denver Nuggets select Alex English with the 19th pick. Didn't the NBA Nuggets have him too?

Kornheiser: Gosh, I can't remember, it was 60 years ago.

Wilbon: It's now, Tony! The 80s are now!

Kornheiser: I'm feeling a little vertigo, give me a minute. English is a good player. 27, so he doesn't have a ton of prime left, but he's a great scorer, a good athlete, and I really like that he can find the open man and clean up his teammates' misses. He's an interesting player.

Wilbon: I'm so confused, Tony. How did we get here? What's going on? What are these weird supreme overlords going to make us do next?

Kornheiser: Let's try to focus, Mike. Only a few more picks in the first round and then we can figure out the real world.

Wilbon: Okay fine. Let’s look at the Portland Trailblazers taking James Donaldson. Not much of a scorer, a good defender.

Kornheiser: You’re not going to catch me criticizing anything Wig does. That man built some very good teams in the PBSL and he made a dynasty during the creation draft with the 90s Oldlanta Hawks. Donaldson is young and can anchor a defense.

Wilbon: How do we know that? How do we know that he had a team in the 90s when this is the 80s?

Kornheiser: Pull up Mike.

Wilbon: How does any of this make sense?

Kornheiser: Pull up! Stop the tailspin!

Kornheiser: Let’s move onto the Celtics, who pick up Maurice Cheeks. Mo!

Wilbon: He’s good.

Kornheiser: …That all you got for me?

Wilbon: kinda having an existential crisis here, Tone.

Kornheiser: Fine, Jesus and I will take the wheel. Cheeks rivals Magic as the best ball handler in the league, and be can dish it too. Big get for the final PBSL champions.

Wilbon: How do we know that Tony?

Kornheiser: What?

Wilbon: The year is 1981! There hasn’t been a season yet! What are we doing?

Kornheiser: Maybe we should take a break.

Wilbon: ALL OF THESE GMs ARE 18! HOW DO THEY HAVE DECADES OF EXPERIENCE?

Kornheiser: Let’s power through this since I’m apparently riding solo here. The Mavericks drafted George Gervin, who the mock drafts said was a top ten pick.

Wilbon: …

Kornheiser: Oh come on, I teed it up for you. You’re supposed to make fun of me for listening to mock drafts after smashing them this whole time.

Wilbon: …

Kornheiser: Anyway, Gervin is a great scorer. Might need to fill some holes elsewhere but you know he’s good enough to lead a team into the playoffs.

Wilbon: …grizzlies.

Kornheiser: What?

Wilbon: The VanMemphis Grizzlies! What were they? Why are they in my head? What does any of this MEAN?

Kornheiser: The Knicks drafted Julius Erving, the oldest player drafted. I think this is a clear sign that the Knicks either want to win now or accumulate win now assets for whoever makes a deep run. Erving has one or two years left of high productivity, and his athleticism is still good.

Wilbon: Nope.

Kornheiser: You don’t agree that Dr J has something left in the tank?

Wilbon: Not that. This. This weird time travel thing. Who is responsible for this? Why are we here? What are they going to do with us next?

Kornheiser: Let’s not worry man. It’s the 80s!

Wilbon: IT WAS JUST THE 2060s! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?

Kornheiser: Well my partner just ran off camera. I’ll go see if we can calm him down, but that was the first round and that’s all we’re contractually obligated to do.

Wilbon (off camera): WHAT CONTRACT?!

Kornheiser: We will be back later in the year to do our show about the season. Probably. Maybe. See yall then!

All right, that’s all I’m doing. It was fun but draining. Good job guys!

Thanks for this JNR, it was really good.