Chicago Bulls Preseason Press Conference: S72 Edition
Posted: Sat Oct 05, 2024 10:10 am
Hello and welcome to the Chicago Bulls Preseason Press Conference, the place where I write words that either imply that there's an actual press conference going on, you know, with podiums and shit...or it's just written like it's a press release because I don't have the energy to describe podiums. They're like these wooden boxes that speakers stand in front of. Usually, the side the audience can't see has a slanted surface where the speaker can put an outline or a bunch of notecards. There's probably a gooseneck microphone, especially since the event is presumably being filmed. Maybe not. Maybe this is just an oral history, passed down only through the stories of our ancestors, gaining a new twist with each retelling from generation to generation.
So, as legend has it, there's a podium, and maybe it gets assumed that this is all taking place at the United Center, but that would be a curious place for a press conference because unless there's a game scheduled, the Bulls probably don't hang out there. It's not like they all live there in box suites. Nah, the UC has other things going on. In reality, it probably takes place at a practice facility or some kind of corporate headquarters rather than wasting time at a stadium.
And maybe it'd make sense if there were twenty or so members of the press huddled in chairs set up to face this area where a man in a suit stands behind a relatively elegant podium made from cherrywood. Or it would make more sense if the twenty or so members of the press were all of the other PBSL GMs using pseudonyms and wearing thin disguises like thick-framed lensless glasses, tape on mustaches, and/or ill-fitting wigs.
Back to the man at the podium. This would traditionally be the owner or the General Manager. There are probably a lot of team personnel here. Maybe there's some sort of set up next to the podium: a panel behind a long, shallow folding table that's been spruced up with a thick tablecloth hanging over in team colors with the Bulls logo on it or the PBSL logo, whatever that happens to look like. Let's just go with the Bulls logo in case the PBSL logo is simply that cartoon Gary drew of two men shaking hands and shaking penises as if they were hands. Things like that happen. The league has a lot to do and not a deep administrative staff to do it, so that could well be an accurate depiction of the official logo that somehow snuck through and got approved in the same way that nobody Googles lotto pick renames so all sorts of names that would be vetoed by the letter of the law start sneaking in and playing basketball.
Let's just say, though, that on this particular day at that particular time, it was the General Manager at the podium. Other people probably spoke at the podium, too, and they probably each answered questions from the small crowd of GMs posing as sportswriters and such, but logistically, how would that even work. All of these take place over the same weekend, usually in multiple cities across the United States, and that would be a lot of travel for a GM to hit every press conference, dressed in costume at all but his own teams'. Even if we pretend that the sportswriters are legitimate individuals and not GMs cosplaying as media to earn the full 5 points for doing whatever this is, that's a lot of ground for the sportswriters to cover.
Let's scratch the idea, then, that this is even in some practice facility or other team office. It has to be in some kind of league headquarters where all the managers and owners gather at once. We can keep the tablecloth with the Bulls logo on it because that can be explained...they just have 26 tablecloths that they change out depending on who the speaker is. Better yet, there's one tablecloth, and it's no longer red, it's black, and each team simply has a table runner that they change out over the cloth. This is what's red. This is what has the Bulls log on it.
I feel as if perhaps I'm getting too fixated on these details though. I'm burying the lede. The real story here is that the Bulls general manager is here to talk about the things that happened on his team during the offseason and preview the upcoming season. He uses his time on the podium to convey excitement at new additions to the team while also commending the growth and characteristics of players who were on the team last season. He welcomes back some of the players who wore Bulls uniforms earlier their careers and have returned to fulfill veteran leadership roles, which the GM stresses are roles of the utmost importance even if those roles are more suited for the locker room than the hardwood.
The General Manager highlights the positive things he saw in preseason and outlines a vision of the season to come, complete with expectations and an analysis of the league, and his outlook is very optimistic.
"It's a tough league with a lot of competition," he says. "But we think we have as good a chance as anyone else out there to stop the Pistons from winning it all again for the 4th time in a row."
The press cheers, all but one man who suspiciously looks like Paul Giamatti is method acting for some film he's going to do where he portrays a sportswriter who gets into some undoubtedly preposterous situations. Scratch that. It IS Paul Giamatti, and either he's time traveled to the future, or he uses sick Hollywood cabal shit to look 30 years younger. Real dark, twisted stuff like using the blood, urine, and other such genetic material (some surgically obtained) of illegally trafficked children to maintain the appearance of a much younger man than his nearly 100 years on this earth would suggest.
Anyway, this charade has gone on long enough. With 25 other teams to get through, the Bulls GM ends his presentation and opens up the floor to questions.
So, as legend has it, there's a podium, and maybe it gets assumed that this is all taking place at the United Center, but that would be a curious place for a press conference because unless there's a game scheduled, the Bulls probably don't hang out there. It's not like they all live there in box suites. Nah, the UC has other things going on. In reality, it probably takes place at a practice facility or some kind of corporate headquarters rather than wasting time at a stadium.
And maybe it'd make sense if there were twenty or so members of the press huddled in chairs set up to face this area where a man in a suit stands behind a relatively elegant podium made from cherrywood. Or it would make more sense if the twenty or so members of the press were all of the other PBSL GMs using pseudonyms and wearing thin disguises like thick-framed lensless glasses, tape on mustaches, and/or ill-fitting wigs.
Back to the man at the podium. This would traditionally be the owner or the General Manager. There are probably a lot of team personnel here. Maybe there's some sort of set up next to the podium: a panel behind a long, shallow folding table that's been spruced up with a thick tablecloth hanging over in team colors with the Bulls logo on it or the PBSL logo, whatever that happens to look like. Let's just go with the Bulls logo in case the PBSL logo is simply that cartoon Gary drew of two men shaking hands and shaking penises as if they were hands. Things like that happen. The league has a lot to do and not a deep administrative staff to do it, so that could well be an accurate depiction of the official logo that somehow snuck through and got approved in the same way that nobody Googles lotto pick renames so all sorts of names that would be vetoed by the letter of the law start sneaking in and playing basketball.
Let's just say, though, that on this particular day at that particular time, it was the General Manager at the podium. Other people probably spoke at the podium, too, and they probably each answered questions from the small crowd of GMs posing as sportswriters and such, but logistically, how would that even work. All of these take place over the same weekend, usually in multiple cities across the United States, and that would be a lot of travel for a GM to hit every press conference, dressed in costume at all but his own teams'. Even if we pretend that the sportswriters are legitimate individuals and not GMs cosplaying as media to earn the full 5 points for doing whatever this is, that's a lot of ground for the sportswriters to cover.
Let's scratch the idea, then, that this is even in some practice facility or other team office. It has to be in some kind of league headquarters where all the managers and owners gather at once. We can keep the tablecloth with the Bulls logo on it because that can be explained...they just have 26 tablecloths that they change out depending on who the speaker is. Better yet, there's one tablecloth, and it's no longer red, it's black, and each team simply has a table runner that they change out over the cloth. This is what's red. This is what has the Bulls log on it.
I feel as if perhaps I'm getting too fixated on these details though. I'm burying the lede. The real story here is that the Bulls general manager is here to talk about the things that happened on his team during the offseason and preview the upcoming season. He uses his time on the podium to convey excitement at new additions to the team while also commending the growth and characteristics of players who were on the team last season. He welcomes back some of the players who wore Bulls uniforms earlier their careers and have returned to fulfill veteran leadership roles, which the GM stresses are roles of the utmost importance even if those roles are more suited for the locker room than the hardwood.
The General Manager highlights the positive things he saw in preseason and outlines a vision of the season to come, complete with expectations and an analysis of the league, and his outlook is very optimistic.
"It's a tough league with a lot of competition," he says. "But we think we have as good a chance as anyone else out there to stop the Pistons from winning it all again for the 4th time in a row."
The press cheers, all but one man who suspiciously looks like Paul Giamatti is method acting for some film he's going to do where he portrays a sportswriter who gets into some undoubtedly preposterous situations. Scratch that. It IS Paul Giamatti, and either he's time traveled to the future, or he uses sick Hollywood cabal shit to look 30 years younger. Real dark, twisted stuff like using the blood, urine, and other such genetic material (some surgically obtained) of illegally trafficked children to maintain the appearance of a much younger man than his nearly 100 years on this earth would suggest.
Anyway, this charade has gone on long enough. With 25 other teams to get through, the Bulls GM ends his presentation and opens up the floor to questions.