Utah Jazz S70 Press Conference
Posted: Mon Jun 10, 2024 1:35 pm
UTAH JAZZ PRESS CONFERENCE: S70
As the long line of fans continued to pour into the Utah Jazz Recreational Center, general manager digiskunk stirred restlessly in his room, uncertain what to tell his dozens of fans of what he actually accomplished this off-season (albeit with some help). After 13 beers, he felt more than ready. "Lets get this show on the road," he proclaimed as he smashed his beer using his assistant coach's son's forehead.
Stumbling to the podium, the fans gasped in shock, for digiskunk had once arrived on time and actually had something worthwhile to discuss. The crowd quietly hushed as he began to slur his words into the microphone.
digiskunk: Greetings, friends, and welcome to Finney's Ale Hou]—I mean, the S70 Utah Jazz press conference.
We have a lot to cover and I'm pretty intoxicated, so I'm going to try and cover a lot of ground real quickly before I start ranting and raving about how all the television USA only plays re-runs of Law & Order: SVU every single day without even a moment's break. It's Fryeing ridiculoud. God forbid they switch it up and include a movie on weekends; it's beyond pathetic and has reminded me, once again, why television sucks.
Anyway, during the off-season we accomplished quite a lot for a change. First, let's start with the draft. During the draft we were in talks with a number of teams who were hungry to make a trade; however because of my inexperience as a good general manager, and my extensive experience as a good friend, I couldn't decide what to do. I made promises, I broke them; I left friends hanging and for that, I, too, should be hung. But the draft landed us Henry Caramelo, whose game is as smooth and delicious as caramel.
Afterwards, we made a series of trades to acquire some big men to slot alongside the quick youngsters like Snotty Sanders and Herschel Boughton, who I do not plan on playing much this upcoming season on the basis of him being a trashlete. We traded for Ross Finch, who will save us with his 4-inch (and unlike Hank Hill I won't "tell ya what"). He's tall as shit and his hands are bigger than my fat ass. He's going to be a force to be recknoned with this upcoming season. Next, we acquired Ebbe Clauer, a German pacifist from Papenburg. Because he & I are both bilingual, we plan on using this to our advantage during the season. After all, teams don't know what play you're going to run if they can't understand you (my own included). So when the ball is in his hand, you know it's his turn to score.
We acquired a few other players, but these are the most important. We also acquired Harvey Pimentel, which sounds like the fakest name I've heard in my life. If I could pay somebody to kick his ass, you bet your ass I would.
Now I'll be taking questions!