Utah Jazz S66 Press Conference
Posted: Mon Oct 02, 2023 10:37 am
UTAH JAZZ PRESS CONFERENCE: S66
As he rubs his eyes and sits upright in bed, Utah Jazz GM digiskunk fights through his hangover to prepare himself for his upcoming press conference.
Unfortunately for him, a large crowd has already amassed at Taco Bell and is anxiously awaiting his arrival—and they aren't being patient. As the crowd begins to boo and throw objects onto the stage, digi takes his first few steps toward the microphone and is immediately greeted with expletives from the so-called fans. Undeterred, the artist formerly known as digi grabs the mic to address his many haters.
A group of angry fans quickly rush toward the stage, pencils in hand, hoping to "take out" the beloved Utah general manager. Fortunately, they were stopped before they reached the stage and were promptly euthanized on the spot.
digiskunk: As I was saying, last season was a forgettable one: And expectedly so. Did you really think that I would try my hardest for wins, knowing that it'd only hurt my spot in the draft? With that said, everything went according to plan—almost. We won the games that we needed to win—to prove the doubters wrong—and we lost the games that we deemed meaningless. Don't get me wrong, we could've easily won those games; we just chose to take it easy and let the other kids have fun. That's what basketball is all about, right?
The crowd was completely silent—disappointed, in fact.
digiskunk: Honestly, last season was pretty fun. Not only did we get to see Booger Smith play as little as possible, but we also witnessed one of the worst teams in league history take to the court and play as awkwardly as possible. And that is what I love: Creativity on the court. So many teams emphasize the importance of distribution from the primary ball-handler, otherwise known as the Point Guard—but on the Utah Jazz, everybody is a Star. And you know why? Because we're using performance enhancing dr-- I mean, we're training hard. That's what we're doing: We're training hard. Definitely no PEDs to be seen here. Just jumpin' jacks.
Last season, we compiled 9 victories and 73 losses—hardly impressive. However, players such as Booger Smith showed us what he had to offer. The other players, despite their successes, are absolutely meaningless to us now—perhaps even dead—since I'll likely never see their names again (rightfully so, given they played for the Utah Jazz).
But then, I saw Scottie "Snotty" Sanders—a player whose ability was as strong as his ability to shoot snot out of his nostrils like a rocket. In a way, he as a person reflected everything our team was: Snotty, dirty, and without respect. We arethe Utah Jazz... And he was the Utah Jazz—it was destiny. Love at first sight. Let me tell you, Snotty has the potential to be the next big thing in the game. If you ask me, he's a definite future All-Star. Everybody else is probably salivating at the thought of having him—but too bad! Because Big Daddy Digi has him now.
digiskunk: Aside from our draft selection, free agency was a forgettable one: We failed to get any high-ranking free agents, but that was sorta by design given my financial situation and how, down the road, I'm going to need the funds to lock up key players like Snotty Sanders to a long-term deal. (Assuming everything goes to play)
Booger Smith had some setbacks but he has informed me that he's more than ready to rise to the occasion and prove the doubters wrong. So suck it.
In the past, I used to try and cover as many questions as possible in my pressers, but now I'm gonna let you guys ask the big questions (like my favorite color). With that said, I'll now be answering questions!